Right now, I go to a very small northeastern catholic private university about 3 hours from home. I will be a sophomore this fall. I loved my first year- it's a beautiful school in a resort town, and I found it very easy to be successful and generally flourish here. Finished out the year with a 4.0, have a part-time job, have a job as a tour guide, and I'm an officer of two different clubs on campus. But I just started having worries and doubts about two weeks ago.
My secret is that I have extremely bad anxiety and have had it since I was virtually in Kindergarten. It was so bad that my parents had to buy an apartment in this resort town and come up every so often so that I felt comfortable staying here on my own. Growing up I had severe issues with separation anxiety and they still exist to some extent, I guess. (Embarrassingly enough)
For my sophomore year, my parents won't have the apartment anymore. They've seen how much I've grown and how happy I was and they think I'm totally fine and ready to do this on my own. But I'm not. As sophomore year gets closer I find myself becoming more and more anxious and uneasy.
I hate the idea of being so far from home (I know three hours isn't far to most, but to me it is). I hate the idea of being alone (family-wise) here except for my boyfriend and friends.
I don't know if I can do it and the temptation to try and transfer Fairfield University (which is A LOT closer to home and very similar to my current school) is hard to ignore. I don't want to leave my friends, my boyfriend (who attends another university about twenty minutes from me), the clubs, my part time job, or my tour guide job, but I also don't want to be miserable and anxious every single day.
Ideally I would just like to be able to suck it up and appreciate my current school but I'm so afraid that my anxiety will take over.
I've already tried medications (SSRIs and benzos, both made me worse) and I've been in and out of therapy for the greater part of 12 years.
I'd really appreciate any advice. This is stressing me out so much, I've been feeling physically sick most days because of how stressed I'm getting about this. My parents (or anyone for that matter, except my boyfriend) know nothing of this because I'm so scared to let them down or become problematic.