Hi so I'm not doing okay. I'm finishing my freshman year of college next week and nothing is better. I've never really had friends or fit in with anyone, but I don't know why. I'm weird sure but not in a visible way, I just try to fit in with everyone quietly. I dress normal, I act normal, I talk and listen to the same types of music. I don't understand.
I have a boyfriend of four and half years, and we had some problems last semester but we are getting better. He doesn't even try to make friends and makes them instantly.
I have been trying all year to make friends, I live in dorms and I haven't had a roommate. I just feel hopeless at this point, I'm depressed, lonely, and it has just been incredibly hard. I don't want to drink and party but it'd be nice to go once in a while and not drink just be DD or be high, that way maybe I could make friends or just feel less alone.
I even started going to a therapist provided by the wellness center on campus but it's almost summer.
He diagnosed me as mild to moderate depressive disorder and social anxiety.
Basically, it's already extremely hard to talk to people, make eye contact, etc. But I have been trying.
At this point I just get high almost every night just to feel happy and less alone. It's not my boyfriends or anyones fault I just don't know what's wrong with me. Don't get me wrong getting high is fun and all but it's not what I use it for. I just use it because when I'm high, I'm happy and it's like I have my own bubble. No one can hurt me, my feelings, and I can just be me and not stress and feel a constant anxiety. I do sleep more now or not at all. But the not sleeping was due to nightmares having to do with my relationship problems from last semester. I just need a girl best friend who is willing to go eat with me at the dining hall and shop and get high to watch goofy movies. Just you know, what you imagine as having a girl best friend.
I am thinking about living off campus in a small apartment next year with my guinea pig. But I'm worried, that i'll just be as depressed and lonely as before.
Do you have any tips on making friends or just dealing better in college?
I know it's a long post and I'm sorry if it's a ramble but help please?:(