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My daughter moved in 3 days ago and is now freaking out, am i handling this the right way?

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Replies to: My daughter moved in 3 days ago and is now freaking out, am i handling this the right way?

  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 4234 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    @blossom to the rescue. I wish I can find my post on this. It's the manic call from your kid. We have all been there. The littlest things are "huge" problems for them. So... My daughters small Lac to my son University of Michigan all suggest the same thing..... JUST LISTEN.... Then offer suggestions just as blossom suggests. When my son couldn't get into a class it was like this high stat, high GPA kid couldn't figure out he had an advisor.. Lol.. So we just said.... Doesn't your advisor know about these things?... A few days later he just mentioned that it all worked out and his advisor suggested to talk to the professor.. Yada Yada....
    Then the next "crisis" happened... Again... Isn't there a department that handles that kind of thing?
    Doesn't your school have learning services? Don't you have peer to peer tutoring sessions? Isn't there a computer store on campus for x, y,z?? Isn't there a club /activity for that??
    Well you get the idea... She needs to go to clubs and activities..
    Then she won't call you so much.... You know she's doing well when no texting /calls for days to weeks... "sorry Dad, just to busy to text right now" that's my signal that things are OK... Sometimes we just send a "are you alive" text.... Usually get a quick response back..... But can't talk now..... Trust me I am OK with that.
    Also.... She's gone.. Start doing things yourself and don't be sooooo.. Available for her.
    Once my son left for college he texted me so see how "I" was doing.... Code for I am more homesick then I thought I would be at all. We were empty nesters at that point and went to a Cubs game, went to a play, had friends over for dinner /drinks, etc etc and that was the first few days.... We told him were "managing" without him.. Lol.. Once he got the hint he started becoming very active and started doing things and now very active on campus.
    Remind her everyone is in the same boat. Say hi to everyone at classes, getting meals etc and ask questions about "them". My son met a kid at the bus stop and they go to almost every football game together.. You meet kids like everywhere.....
    Also if not a health crisis or something really important when she calls in panic try not being to avaliable.. It's hard to do but like "hi, sorry going into a meeting, movie, whatever.... Let's talk later, tomorrow etc and let me know how it all turned out"
    It's hard but trust me it all works out. Now my kids don't tell me anything. When they have a "crisis" they actually work it out and fix their own issues... Imagine that 😉👍.
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  • LindagafLindagaf 9234 replies495 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Please have your daughter read this pinned post, all of it. You should read it too. https://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/2016222-to-those-who-feel-lonely-homesick-friendless-think-they-chose-the-wrong-school-etc-p1.html

    I wrote this after going through a similar experience with my own daughter, who had a horrendous time settling in at college. It was two months of hell, for all of us. Endless texts of doom and tearful phone calls. But she got through it and is a senior this year at a school she loves. They need to get through it, and we can’t rescue them all the time.

    I offer this advice, which someone gave me. Ask her what SHE wants to do about whatever issue she is having. That was incredibly helpful, because what she really wants to do is vent. I guarantee you that as soon as she is finished texting you or taking to you, she’s behaving perfectly fine, and is probably talking with people, etc...

    Set some boundaries. Tell her that she can transfer, leave, etc...after sticking it out for a semester, but she will have to do the work to get it all in place. That gives her some control, and makes it feel as though it isn’t an endless waiting game. You’ll be there for parents weekend. She’ll be home soon for Thanksgiving, etc...

    This is soooo common. Three days is in no way enough time for her to find her place at college. She will find it, but she does need to be respectful of whatever suggestion you might make about how many times a day she can text or call. That was a big mistake on my part, because it just allowed her to feed the monster. When she texts, etc... don’t respond every single time. Wait a bit, and try to stay neutral. I suggest you stop offering suggestions of things for her to do and just listen to her venting. My kid was the same, and it was almost worse when I tried to offer helpful ideas.
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  • MaineLonghornMaineLonghorn 38435 replies2105 threadsSuper Moderator Super Moderator
    My daughter is a senior now, also. And it IS amazing how much they grow during these four years. She used to be almost paralyzed to make phone calls, now she makes them with ease. Any kind of decision freaked her out, but now she's figuring out everything on her own. She is nervous about graduating as a photography major, but in a healthy way. I have to say I'm relieved!
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 4234 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    There is also a reason that in 6-7 weeks is like parents weekend. If you can go then go.. Studies show that this is about the time the new kids "need" to be with someone from home. Also you will see her talking to people and see she made it so far.
    Well, I am leaving soon to take my son back to school. These journeys now are actually fun.. No pressure.. No doom /gloom. He even hugs me "in front" of people to say goodbye. Imagine that!!!?
    😉
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    Thank you all soo soo much! I will say that yesterday was prob her best day so far as classes have started and she's met a group of girls. Her fear this morning which is certainly nothing major is that she doesn't "think" that these girls like to watch college football on the weekends....lol!! I gave my suggestion and then asked about Chemistry class ....my only fear right now is that she's gonna come home this weekend...we're like a little over 2.5 hours away. I just don't want that visit to hinder the progress she's made so far. We have been firm that she has to at least finish the semester.
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  • collegemom3717collegemom3717 6715 replies57 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Good plan for her to stay put until parent's weekend: this is when she starts to bed down into her new community. And @Knowsstuff is right about parent's weekend: it is a nice boost for the student- and now the tables have turned, and they are the expert on their school. Showing you around, introducing you to people, showing you their new life helps them realize for themselves how far they have come.
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  • LindagafLindagaf 9234 replies495 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    And for context, my D was five hours away from home and she had no car. There was no escape. We didn’t visit until the second week in October. It was the best thing for her, even though it was awful to hear her so upset. By the time we visited at parents’ weekend, she was through the worst of it.
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 4234 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Of course I am right.. Lol😉 Done this with two kids.
    There is NO reason for her to come home now. Tell her your going somewhere for the weekend. Lie if you have to. Once she sees you adjusting she will do so as well...

    Got it?
    Plenty of girls watch football. People go in groups from the dormst
    Tell her to find out about that. Doesn't have to be with her roommates. School Facebook will have things posted. Hint!
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  • blossomblossom 9828 replies9 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Knowsstuff- I was starting to think I was the only parent who told a freshman "you can't come home this weekend, we're going to be away". Bad, bad parent. But it worked and the kids get through the first few awkward weekends!

    Your D is going to have the same social ups and downs as every human being. Your first few days at a new job- yikes. Someone asks you to lunch which is so fantastic- and then you discover you have nothing in common except the job. oh well. Someone stops by your desk to tell you that they're all going out for a drink after works and do you want to join- and then you realize they've been a tight group for five years and you're an interloper.

    These things take time. She WILL find her peeps, just not on day one (or day five) and she's likely not going to find her "forever BFF" first semester. But it happens!!!
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 4234 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    There you go. Honestly, even once a month is a lot but I get it. My daughter goes to a college 1.5 hours away. Once in a while we go to the farmers market on Saturday morning, go to eat then come home. It's really great for a quick few hours to get together and catch up.
    But don't give her a crutch per se. Maybe if she comes home if allowed she will bring a friend. My daughter would come home with friends that have never been to Chicago before so that is fun. But then we really don't see her much 😔.
    She's already adjusted well. Now it's time for you to adjust without her. Go do something nice for yourself.
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  • gardenstategalgardenstategal 5724 replies10 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    @RayB78 , sounds like she is on her way!
    There will inevitably be bumps in the road ahead -- that's life! -- so remember this time. It can help when you remind her that she had this concern and worked through it on her own. (And the "on her own" part is important, even though she was consulting with you.) Glad you can have a nice long weekend!
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  • SammoJSammoJ 41 replies0 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    @RayB78 Sounds like you have gotten great advice already. My S19 has not had a good start with his roommate, either, and not really clicking w suitemates (not bad kids, just very different interests and lifestyles). I keep reminding him that he only has to live peacefully within the suite, he doesn't need his best friends there, and there is a whole world outside those walls. The dorm (I suggested eating in the dining hall in his dorm so he sees the same faces every day and study in the common room sometimes), his classes (grab coffee with a classmate after class), the rec center (chat with the person on the machine next to you).

    Best wishes!
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 4234 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    edited August 30
    @SammoJ. Yep. Roommates just need to cohabitate together. But it's sad also from our prospective and maybe theirs. Lots of kids have these pictures in their mind of colleges roomates. In reality it can be quite different.
    My son is a junior now at a Big Ten university. Not really knowing anyone, his freshman year... His roommate freshman year, had lots of high school friends. They both met and had lunch before college even started and talked about who was bringing what... But when the first day through first week happened my son just naturally thought they would do "stuff" together. Well, this kid would go out with his high school friends and my son was left alone. The kid never thought to ask my son to join them. It was so sad. My son would never say "heh, can I join you". Broke our hearts. But they made a pact to go to the football games together but that was about it. But they were respectful of each other. Maybe a blessing in disguise since this forced my lonely son to become active on campus, started a club with another kid and that turned into a goldmine of activity and resume building for him.
    So year two, selects blind again
    (think he likes the ease of it and like "let's see what I get aspect to it"). He doesn't even really speak to his roommate. Took like weeks to figure out what he was majoring in. Nice guy just stayed to himself until he was like never there. He was gone like every weekend the entire year and both of their schedules were like polar opposite. When I questioned if he had a girlfriend he said yes and deducted he was going there all the time.
    So this year is the third roommate. He is a senior to my junior son. My son moved in yesterday and the roommate was already moved in but not there till Monday since he lives close to school and has been there done that. My son's not expecting anything but just to be respectful of each other
    He went to a house party last night. He's good 🏡😉🍻!
    edited August 30
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    @SammoJ, hope things get better with your son as well. I swear I'd take 4 yr old melt downs and 8yr old storm anxiety over this phase any day but I know it will eventually pass.
    My D def did better the last couple of days but bless her, now she is sick with a stomach bug already!! I just hope this doesn't set her back. Of course I'm giving the motherly sick advice and just hope that this is a 24hr bug.
    @Knowsstuff, I guess I thought it was harder for girls but I see that it can be just as trying for the guys. Hope your son has a great last couple of years at college and oh fun on the house party!
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  • SammoJSammoJ 41 replies0 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    @Knowsstuff Thanks for the perspective 2 years in. I know the roommate thing isn't a tragedy, but it is a bit sad. Like you said, it will force him to cast a wider net.
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  • MaineLonghornMaineLonghorn 38435 replies2105 threadsSuper Moderator Super Moderator
    I just remembered a story my mom told me. After dropping her off for her freshman year at UT-Austin, a huge school even then, her parents told her she couldn't come home until Thanksgiving. I'm not sure how much time elapsed, but at some point one of her friends was so worried about her that they contacted my grandparents and suggested they come visit her on campus!
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 4234 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    @RayB78. Some schools will send "chicken soup" to the sick kids. I know Michigan does this.
    @SammoJ. He's on automatic now. It's amazing how much he's changed for the better since being at college. He is very busy with a club he helped to start 2 years ago and has meetings with other things he's involved in. He couldn't wait to get back to school. He's layed back like me so the little things don't bother him anymore. Last year was almost like he had his own apartment...lol
    He realizes that the roommate isn't going to be the BFF. Just hope this kid is cordial and respectful. That's all we can ask for.
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  • NorthernMom61NorthernMom61 4179 replies30 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    It's important to keep sending the positive message that they can do this and that it is important to learn how to do this. If the student has new roommates each year and choses off campus live away jobs or internships over the summers are going to go through this over again. Then there's becoming roommates with people who may be strangers when they move to the new cost of living city for their new job after graduation. Getting through and coping with this initial transition is a big deal.
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