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My daughter moved in 3 days ago and is now freaking out, am i handling this the right way?

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Replies to: My daughter moved in 3 days ago and is now freaking out, am i handling this the right way?

  • Rivet2000Rivet2000 1080 replies2 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Good to hear a positive outcome.
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  • collegemom3717collegemom3717 6701 replies57 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Wonderful, @RayB78 !! One of the better features of CC is the support. Thanks for coming back with an update- we all want the fledglings to succeed :-)
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 4214 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Very nice. Well, rest easy for now since the next freak out session will be upon you. Just listen and hopefully you can direct her to people that can help. It will be a graded writing assignment or a quiz/test but it's coming..😉.

    She sounds like she's adjusting well and have her take advantage of any opportunities that come her way.

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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    @Knowsstuff ....yeahhh there are many highs and lows, as right now she is back at a low bc it's the weekend and she has nothing to do and no one wants to go to the football game and she is being used for transportation by some of the girls...blah blah blahhhhhhh.....so as always I listen and wait for the next High!! She can be such a hard a$%!!
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 4214 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Just tell her to go to the game by herself. It's OK to do that! She will most likely meet people right next to her at the game. Schools Facebook will have people /groups /clubs of people going. Have her go with them. Kids gotta love them.
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  • momocarlymomocarly 890 replies11 threadsRegistered User Member
    Tell her to just get ready for the game walk down to the lobby and look for a "group of people going. Ask is they mind if she tags along since her friends flaked out on her. It will work. My son ended up getting his gf by just walking up to her at the club fair first week of school and saying "Hi, how've you been?" Just like he knew her. She thought he was cute and they started talking and now have been dating for 2 years.

    My best friend just heard someone say something mean to me and walk away and she came and sat at the table where I was then alone and we have been best friends ever since. Spontaneous just talking to someone often works!

    She will be ok. My S got sick a lot his Freshman year too. I think the change and lots of new illnesses he hadn't had before. Second year a little better and this year nothing yet! (Good thing the kid is so busy he can't even breathe.)

    Soon she will be like mine. I wonder if he will ever come home. He loves school so much he stays there most of the time, even on breaks. Then you will want her to come home!
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 4214 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Do this ^
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    @Knowsstuff @momocarly Thanks guys, I've preached this to her, all I can do....she seems to be ok until the weekend rolls around.
    She went to a party Fri night and loved it but then Saturday and Sunday she was all woe is me, I'm bored..blah blah blahhhh...as always I suggested things only to get shut down about everything! And so another week starts....almost a month in!
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  • collegemom3717collegemom3717 6701 replies57 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    pro tip: avoid giving solutions (same as when they were 'bored' in late primary school).

    But mostly- hang tight. It really does sound as if it is coming along. Guessing parents weekend is in the next 2-3 weeks?
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    @collegemom3717 , You're right, I guess I should just listen and change subject to something positive , not school related! Family weekend is this weekend actually...we plan to go to a football game, soccer game and choir performance..full day on Saturday!
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 4214 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Kids these days need stimulation constantly it seems. She doesn't need to have an activity everyday but it seems that is what she wants. She needs to do somethings for herself. First off her short term goal is to meet one person a day. Say hi or something. I don't know what college this is but that should be attainable. She can fill her time by working out and find someone her age to be on the treadmill next to kinda thing. Every college I have been on campus has tons of flyers everywhere about a lecture, music performance, theater performance, etc. Again Facebook groups are out there for most this stuff.

    When she went to the party did she meet /talk to anyone? Good time to get someone's number right. What my daughter did when transferring to a new Lac, which she only knew one 2 people was to get people's phones numbers. When she wanted to hang with someone she would group text a bunch of people like "heh, I am going to do x, anyone want to join me"

    She would get several or all those people to show up..... Your daughter needs to know everyone's is in her shoes. They aren't going to come running to her. She needs to put herself out there a bit.

    Plus not everyday is going to be filled with fun things to do. Saturday my son was in his dorm working on multiple projects and doing homework.. That is a typical Saturday when there is not a football game going on at Michigan.. Not every weekend is filled with amazing experiences. The law library (where lots of kids study) is filled most weekends.. Lol.

    Has she researched clubs and activities? When she is bored is a great time to pre plan and check out something new.. Like anything.

    Even just going for walk and meeting people around campus. Trust me, they are there bored also looking for people to do something with!
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    @Knowsstuff I completely agree on all!
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  • LindagafLindagaf 9226 replies495 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    edited September 16
    The best advice I was given when I went through this with my daughter was, I believe from @doschicos, who said basically the same as @collegemom3717 . Don’t give suggestions. Ask her what SHE wants to do about the problems she mentions. That’s a much better approach. You will find that she is venting. I promise that once she dumps on you, she goes right back to having a dandy time.

    During that awful time with my daughter, she texted while I was at an evening party. I foolishly looked at my phone and was met with several Texts Of Doom: “this is not the school for me, I can leave now and you’ll get your money back, these aren’t my people, etc..”.. I was really upset and asked my husband to call her, because I would cry if I called. So he left for ten minutes, came back and said “she’s fine. She’s going to eat with some other kids, then she’s going to the dance.” I wanted to get right in the car and drive five hours so I could strangle her.

    Anyway, just listen. She is going to be okay.
    edited September 16
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 4214 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    @Lindagaf. Exactly. It's what I said on #21.

    Your story is so typical. My daughter would call my wife in panic. When my wife answered the phone right away it turned into a vent session. But then my wife wouldn't take the call right away or respond to the text right away. She would about an hour or longer later.. My wife would ask what's the issue and by that time my daughter had it resolved and not a big issue anymore.

    It's so interesting and funny to me that these kids want all this freedom to make their own decisions and have all this time to do stuff and many struggle with it. It's all part of growing up and figuring it out.
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    @Lindagaf @Knowsstuff ...ok guys, at what point should I get her help that she is saying she needs now...here's how last night went...

    she cried to me in an over an hour long conversation on 3 different calls in a complete panic attack as it sounded!! She says she's settled, always has people asking her to hang out and do things but she just doesn't want to do anything. She says she likes her classes and professors. She doesn't want to be home. Bottom line is she says she wants to feel happy but just can't be happy. She says she's not eating or sleeping, can't focus on her school work, is always just thinking the same things over and over in her head.

    I mean she struggled with the up and down happiness thing at home before she left but I just thought it was the last year of high school, college prep, teenage, freak out time. I'm just wondering now, as she has pointed out, that maybe she's dealing with depression. Of course we struggle with getting a Dr appt, asking about meds, therapy etc... She refuses to go to wellness center so I've just said ok maybe you need a Dr opinion... I of course don't want her to be dependent on meds but at the same time I'm like if it will help her then maybe it's ok?? I know millions struggle with depression and are on meds...I'm just so torn as I have the Dr website in front of me right now! Hardest thing everrrr!
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  • LindagafLindagaf 9226 replies495 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    edited September 17
    I forced my D to go to the campus counseling center. She said it didn’t help, but I think it did, because she got through it. Depression doesn’t just happen overnight. If she sees a counselor at her college, they can determine if she’s depressed, or is more likely just struggling with settling in. Btw, the counselors there ARE fully qualified psychologists and social workers who are able to determine if someone is depressed. The counseling center is busy with kids like your daughter. They are there for exactly this reason.

    My D was super unhappy. Calling us “outside her dorm, crying on a Saturday morning at 8 am” unhappy. I said she had to show me that she was taking responsibility for herself by making every effort possible to find ways to adjust. I did finally resort to saying that if she refused to go to counseling, I would talk to the head of Res Life and ask her to check in with my D. I even emailed her the “email” I would send to Res Life, and asked her to look it over and see if I was missing anything important. (Of course, I wouldn’t have actually done it, but it had the desired effect. Yeah, probably not cool, but desperate times called for desperate measures.)

    Can I just say though, your D sounds a bit dramatic, and by letting her cry to you for an hour, you are feeding the “monster.” Listen to her cry for fifteen minutes, and then you have to go. Trust me, it is very distressing, but a girl who has friends, doesn’t want to come home, and likes her classes is going to be okay, in all likelihood. Tell her that if she wants you to listen to her crying and panicking for an hour, she has to hold up her side of the bargain, which is to see a counselor or a doctor. They can determine if she needs meds. I am no doctor, but as I said, depression doesn’t just happen in a few weeks at college.

    Make her have some responsibility in owning the process. Less than a week ago, you posted that she was doing a lot better and had made friends. Last night she was upset and you are talking about meds. Don’t be quite so available.

    Another good thing I did for BOTH of us was to insist that instead of telling me about how unhappy she was, she had to tell me at least three or more good things that had happened that day, and that I wouldn’t listen to anything else until I’d heard about the good things. I’m telling you, you are the garbage can, and she dumps on you.

    If I were to do it over again, I’d have made myself less available. Or I would have responded less and listened more. You need to be calm. Ask her what she wants to do about her troubles, and just listen. And when she stops talking, it’s time to say goodnight. Seriously, listen more, talk less.

    Also, if you’re paying, you get to call some shots. Use that privilege. Be a little more hard-hearted: “I’m paying for you to be at college, and I expect you do whatever is needed to succeed for at least this semester. That includes taking care of your mind, so go to the counseling center.”

    Remind her that she’s going to be home soon for Tgiving and Xmas. We told our D that at worst, she’d have a few crappy months and then the semester would be over. If she wanted to move back home and go to community college or transfer after the first semester, no problem. We also said go ahead and complete the transfer app. Give HER ways to control HER situation. Her having some control is super helpful.

    I am totally guessing that a psychologist would say that your D is subconsciously manipulating you and you are letting it happen. I was in that same position. They know we love them no matter what, and they take advantage of that. You should know, however, that it’s ok to set limits, and that doing so won’t hurt her and may be much healthier for you.

    edited September 17
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  • dadof4kidsdadof4kids 650 replies63 threadsRegistered User Member
    S19 had gotten multiple emails from his school already this semester offering up counseling. I'm guessing that's typical, both with regards to availability and need.

    His older brother got "forced" into counseling during HS. He insisted at the time it didn't help, even though it seemed to me it was helping. Just last week he admitted to me that it helped. And he only went a few times, but for him that was all it took to help him figure it out on his own. He just needed a bit of bump steering, and it needed to come from someone other than me.
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    Thanks @Lindagaf and @dadof4kids . I know that I'm most likely being manipulated and I've pretty much talked myself out of a Dr appt for her. She was showing some signs before college but again I just figured it was stress. I'm just going to stress to her the wellness visit and try being a hard ass. And yes the RA email is a good idea also!
    I feel like a broken record and yes I just posted that great post last week but as @Knowsstuff predicted, here is the next freak out session! Motrin is my good friend this past month!
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 4214 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    @RayB78. If her emotions were up and down senior year then that was the clue. If you can go a day earlier and call and schedule an appointment with both of you at their mental health facility/counseling center. . She is giving you the clues that people are asking to go out and she doesn't want to. She wants to be happy but can't. Mood swings. She is not mulipulating you. She has an issue and is telling you she needs help. The clues were there senior year and with the pressure of college they are just manifestating themselves.

    Call the counseling center today and speak to someone today and see what course of action they suggest.

    I am sorry your dealing with this.

    This is not just adjusting to college. I would do this together and not her alone.
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