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Am I the one being a bad roommate or is she?

mountainmama19mountainmama19 100 replies4 threads Junior Member
So my roommate and I have different sleep schedules and we also don't get along very well. She's very passive aggressive and ignores me most of the time. Anyways, I know she likes her alone time and she goes to bed before me so I always leave the room to do homework elsewhere usually hours before she goes to bed. Then, I sneak in and get straight in bed later. I've been doing this all semester, and it's never really been a problem. Her bed is right by the door though, so sometimes the light and sound of the door wakes her up. I always feel really bad when that happens but there's literally nothing I can do about it. I always am careful about the bathroom light as well and I close the bathroom door very slowly so it's not loud. I really try my best to be quiet. I've actually been annoyed at my roommate all semester because she wakes up earlier than me and practically slams doors many times, waking me up and keeping me awake until she leaves.
Fast forward to today- I had an exam at 8am and was up late studying for it. Came in late as usual, and she woke up when I opened the door. I quickly got ready and then went to bed. I admit, I made noise, but there's only so much I can do to limit it (ex. toilet flushing, brushing teeth, etc). Then, I had to wake up around 7, and again, I tried to be as quiet as possible. My roommate was talking on the phone to her mom with earbuds in just now, which she always does in the room, and I heard her say that she should not be this exhausted and she's very irritated and stuff like that which made me pretty sure she was talking about me and how I woke her up. First of all, isn't that terrible that she would have that conversation in front of me that was obviously about me? And am I doing anything wrong? I genuinely don't know what to do.
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Replies to: Am I the one being a bad roommate or is she?

  • PublisherPublisher 9095 replies110 threads Senior Member
    Based on your post, you seem to be mature & respectful.
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  • AboutTheSameAboutTheSame 3150 replies47 threads Senior Member
    "isn't that terrible that she would have that conversation in front of me that was obviously about me?" No. You are assuming it was about you; it might just have been about being exhausted. It sounds as though she may have been on the phone when you entered the room. Maybe it would have been nicer for her to make sure you were nowhere around, but I would let this one go.

    "am I doing anything wrong?" I don't think so, but have the two of you talked about this? Have you talked to your RA [I assume there is one] about whether there might be another morning/night mismatch?
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  • PublisherPublisher 9095 replies110 threads Senior Member
    I think OP's point is that her roommate has passive/aggressive tendencies toward her. If so, this is a real concern, in my opinion.
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  • mountainmama19mountainmama19 100 replies4 threads Junior Member
    I cannot be certain the phone call was about me, but there were some other things she said that made it seem very unlikely that it could be about anything else. Also, she has done the same thing before on the phone so it's very possible it was about me. I haven't talked to her about it because it is almost Christmas break and our schedules will change next semester so I don't think its worth it but I'm afraid I will have the same problems again when we get back. She is very stubborn and her best friend has even told me not to bother confronting her about anything because she will never admit to doing anything wrong and it will just make things worse.
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  • inthegardeninthegarden 1409 replies26 threads Senior Member
    edited December 2019
    Sounds really uncomfortable. Other than keeping her exact same sleep schedule (and few college students go to bed very early, I think) I don't know what you could do to be more thoughtful than you are already doing. After all, you could be doing homework or watching movies after she goes to bed, but instead you have given up your room in the evening to study elsewhere.

    Just because her friend says she is stubborn doesn't mean you have to do everything her way. The potential threat of "something worse" is not reason enough to leave things unsaid. In fact, some definate expression of anger on her part might actually be a relief to both of you if it clarifies the situation.

    If I were you I would say something like this (as politely as possible):

    "I couldn't help overhearing you on the phone yesterday, and I'm wondering if you were saying you were upset about something I did. Do you want to talk about anything? Because if there's something wrong, the only way to try to work it out is to talk about it. I really don't like tiptoeing around a problem that I'm not sure is a problem."

    If she says no, there's nothing to talk about, say "Great! ;) I've been studying outside of the room so that you can go to sleep early. Well, let me know if anything I do bothers you" ... and don't pay any attention to pouty passive-aggressive manipulations (unless, of course she does something destructive). Put the onus on her to be direct if she wants a change. And try to find out if you can change rooms to a more compatible situation next semester.

    If she does complain, ask her if she has any specific ways she thinks you can be a little quieter that might help. For example, would you be willing to switch sides of the room so that your bed is closer to the door? Don't know if that would actually help but at least it's showing a willingness.

    What time do each of you go to bed and get up, BTW? What time do you usually enter the room after studying?
    edited December 2019
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  • twoinanddonetwoinanddone 23682 replies17 threads Senior Member
    It's the end of the semester. Everyone is tense. Just get through the semester and don't worry about it. If you have more early exams coming up, just tell her 'I have to get up early tomorrow as I have an exam at 8. I'll try to be quiet but I'm so nervous. I apologize in advance if I drop a book or something. Good luck on your exams, too."

    I don't think either of you are at fault. Different schedules are tough.
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  • collboy23collboy23 17 replies2 threads Junior Member
    You seem like the “bad” roommates. I think her making noise in the morning so probably just getting back at you. Why stay out of the room are super late and wake her up? If you really need to stay out and open the door with the light in her face why not switch beds with her so when you come in it’s not shining on anyone?
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  • juilletjuillet 12715 replies162 threads Super Moderator
    I don't think you even need to mention the phone call. The problem, OP, is that you and your roommate are privately stewing and assuming things rather than just talking, like adults. You don't have to be best friends, but in order to live together, you should be able to have a calm discussion about room expectations.

    I'd wait for a time when neither of you are stewing over perceived slights, then sit down and talk to your roommate about concerns and potential issues with when you come in. Do you all want to put some ground rules about how early and late people can turn on the overhead lights or come in the door, or how often? Can you talk to each other about what makes you annoyed, so you can decrease the tension?

    Also, I noticed that you didn't mention what time you come in the room. It's one thing if you're coming in at 11 pm every night, but if you are frequently studying until and coming in at 3 am, that's more of an issue. Most people would be annoyed at getting woken up at 3 am every night.
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  • Helen13Helen13 93 replies3 threads Junior Member
    Involve your resident advisor. He or she is paid and has training to resolve these issues.
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