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My roomate never leaves the house

liabartliabart 3 replies1 threads New Member
My roomate and I (both 19F) haven’t talked once since the day we moved in together 6 months ago (we are randomly assigned roomates). I haven’t even seen in her in months because she never leaves her room other than to go grab food from the kitchen, and she only goes in the kitchen when she knows I’m not in the common space. I honestly wouldn’t mind this at all but the thing is she never leaves the house !! She is literally home 24/7 rotting away in her bedroom. I don’t even think she goes to class anymore because there has literally not been a single time in the past 3-4 months that I have been home that she has not been home.

This is just so uncomfortable to me for the fact that we don’t talk at all because she hides from me and the world. I also don’t like bringing my friends and my boyfriend over because I feel like she listens to everything we say and do (its a small apartment with thin walls) I feel like I have no privacy to just talk and be myself. One time she left for a weekend (probably to her parents house) and it was the most comfortable I’ve ever felt in my home, i feel like I could breathe and talk without feeling like somebody was there listening to me.

She has no friends, no social life, no nothing. I’m not sure if she’s depressed or something but I don’t think it is normal for someone to rot away in their bedroom 24/7 for months and never seeing another human or going outside.
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Replies to: My roomate never leaves the house

  • momofsenior1momofsenior1 8687 replies82 threads Senior Member
    Do you have an RA you can speak to? I would be concerned about depression too.
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  • MAmom111MAmom111 239 replies12 threads Junior Member
    edited January 28
    What year are you in school? Where does the food in the kitchen come from if she never leaves?

    Agree with the above about talking to your RA if you have one. Also, have you tried to talk to her at all? Maybe just knock on her door and ask if you can talk to her? Ask her if she is okay? Is there anything you can do to help her?

    Otherwise, I would talk to the housing office. She may be seriously depressed and it may be time for parental or school intervention. I would not go on living this way.
    edited January 28
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  • CMB625CMB625 331 replies8 threads Member
    She obviously went to class sometime last semester or she probably would not have passed any of her classes and therefore would have been academically dismissed (at least that is what I think would happen). Definitely talk to your RA and see if they can intervene to make sure the roommate is okay. Maybe try to include her in some outdoor activity? Ask her if she would like to go to a sporting event on campus with you and your friends? She may be very lonely and doesn't know how to find new friends. As for feeling like you can't be comfortable in your home-why not? What could you and your friends be saying that you wouldn't want her to hear? Just live your life normally and don't worry about her hearing anything-maybe even ask her to join you and your friends to watch a movie or eat a meal. Most college freshman who are not leaving their room just want someone to reach out to them and be friendly. Maybe you can make a huge difference in this persons life by just making the first move and including her. Good luck!
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  • liabartliabart 3 replies1 threads New Member
    Do you have an RA you can speak to? I would be concerned about depression too.

    We don’t have an RA because we live in off campus apartments. However, I talked to my parents about it when I visited them and they told me to call the apartment office and tell them to go check on her, so I did. They never called me back or anything and she never asked me about it so I’m not really sure what happened. Nothing has changed since then and I don’t want to keep calling the apartment because I don’t want her to think I’m all up in her business, but I am concerned about her. I’m not sure what more I’m supposed to do as her roomate.
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  • MAmom111MAmom111 239 replies12 threads Junior Member
    Are you a freshman? Once again, how does she get food or is she even enrolled in school if she is never leaving the apartment? Again, why not just try to have a conversation with her?
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  • liabartliabart 3 replies1 threads New Member
    MAmom111 wrote: »
    Are you a freshman? Once again, how does she get food or is she even enrolled in school if she is never leaving the apartment? Again, why not just try to have a conversation with her?

    No, I am not a freshman. She probably goes grocery shopping sometimes but very rarely does she leave the house. And I’ve tried to. I’ve texted her a few times and have been ignored. In the beginning of the year when she used to leave the apartment, she would come home and see me in the common area and would run to her room and shut the door. Maybe she doesn’t like me or something but idk why if we don’t talk.

    I’m not sure how to deal with this. Last year I lived with 3 other girls (also all randomly assigned). We did everything together and got along great. The home felt like a home because we all became great friends and are still friends today. We don’t live together now because 1 of them got pregnant and dropped out and the other 2 moved into a house I didn’t like.
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  • liabartliabart 3 replies1 threads New Member
    I’m not asking to be best friends with her and hang out all the time but it would be nice to at least talk sometimes and not be so uncomfortable with eachother.
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  • SatanFlower69SatanFlower69 30 replies1 threads Junior Member
    I guess I'm not seeing what your actual problem is with the roommate. It doesn't really sound as if your coming from a sincere place of concern but more so that her behavior is bothersome. So how exactly is her always being in her own home, that she pays to rent just like you, an issue? She might be an extremely introverted type of person. And you assume she's listening to you but I'd be surprised if that was actually the case. A person who hides themselves from you and the world is doing so deliberately and likely not worried about anything involving you. Maybe its not that she doesn't like you as an individual she might just not feel the need to interact with you or anyone else much.

    Seems like your a lot more critical of her behavior than necessary just because it makes you uncomfortable and isn't living up to your ideal housing environment. Welcome to adulting. Sometimes roommates are just that, not acquaintances or friends.
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  • 3sonsmom3sonsmom 317 replies0 threads Member
    @liabart I disagree with @SatanFlower69 above. “Critical of behavior?” And I don’t think many adults have roommates with zero communication. This sounds like an uncomfortable living situation. I wish I had some advice but sympathize. Hope this is only until May and something improves.
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  • SatanFlower69SatanFlower69 30 replies1 threads Junior Member
    You are free to disagree but I stand by my statement based on the information provided. If the roomate were acting in ways that disrupted the household - not paying her share, leaving the house a mess, eating all the food, playing loud music disrupting sleep schedules etc., I would understand the issue better.

    But this is a person, who from what I can see, is being judged for keeping to herself and not wanting to engage? I get that it might be uncomfortable for OP but perhaps interactions with others are uncomfortable for the roommate.
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  • CTCapeCTCape 167 replies8 threads Junior Member
    Is it possible for you to move? Maybe someone has dropped out or graduated early and there’s another apt with an opening? I agree that this is very uncomfortable. She could be depressed or just highly introverted—bottom line is you are uncomfortable in your living situation, and if you have other options, you are doing nothing wrong by exploring them.

    In term of helping her, you were right to follow your parents’ advice and call the management office. If you are very concerned and you have her info, you could maybe call her parents? But that doesn’t mean you have to stay. You can be concerned and also take care of yourself. Both things can be true at once.
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  • EmpireappleEmpireapple 1973 replies27 threads Senior Member
    Do what you need to do this semester in terms of classes and hey, at least your living environment is quiet and you can have your friends over. It's odd but it could be worse.

    Focus on finding roommates you know for next year. Good luck!
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  • NYMom122NYMom122 3 replies0 threads New Member
    I agree with SatanFlower. That is certainly how the posts sounded to me.
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 5392 replies24 threads Senior Member
    So my son did blind roommates for 3 years. Likes the variability and knows living with friends is the best way not to be friends anymore.. Lol. He rarely saw his roommates. Just different schedules. It's not ideal, of course.

    She most likely has a mental issue of some sort. Knock on her bedroom door and if she responds tell her you got some ice cream and want to see if she wants some. See what happens.

    I don't know how you get her parents phone but maybe your parents can call and maybe get a better understanding of what's up with her. Depending on what she's studying many kids watch lecture videos and then take the tests live.

    All you can do is try to be an understanding and a good friend.

    You could reach out to your advisor or the mental health clinic at school and ask for advice.
    .
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  • CheddarcheeseMNCheddarcheeseMN 3549 replies11 threads Senior Member
    ^ Yes, I was going to suggest knocking on her door as well - to share ice cream, say you are going to order a pizza and want to know if she wants some, tell her that your friends are coming over to watch Netflix or whatever and see if she wants to join you. I would start doing this regularly to see what happens!
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  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff 5392 replies24 threads Senior Member
    Well don't ask if she wants pizza. Ask her what she wants on it. Tell her your buying it....

    Even though you roomed blind... Did you talk with her prior to rooming.. Like what she's bringing or any communication?
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  • gardenstategalgardenstategal 6252 replies10 threads Senior Member
    I think you should reach out to her. I like the idea of buying a pizza and asking what she wants on it.

    Suggest making dinner together. Go to the supermarket together. Watch a movie. Make pancakes on a Sunday morning and invite her to breakfast. (If she says no, you will have breakfast for a few days. They reheat perfectly in the microwave. )

    It sounds like you find the lack of connection awkward. I would too. Reach out to fix it!

    She may be so deep into her pattern that she can't break out. Whether she is happy with it is a mystery. It's up to you to fix the dynamic.
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  • scikitscikit 24 replies0 threads Junior Member
    Let us know what you do and the outcome!
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  • bopperbopper 14291 replies101 threadsForum Champion CWRU Forum Champion
    1) I know it is weird and uncomfortable, but she has the right to be in her room as much as she wants. Turn on some music to cover any noise you make.
    2) I would worry more about the never going to school...my daughter had a roommate in quasi-on campus apartments who was supposed to be attending classes but really had dropped out.
    3) One thing you could do is talk to the Dean of Students...say that you have a roommate that as far as you know was enrolled in classes but does not seem to ever leave the apartment anymore...you are worried if she is depressed and don't know who to talk to about it.
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