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How do you politely ask "best" friends whats wrong when they ditch you

coyote77coyote77 Registered User Posts: 92 Junior Member
edited June 2009 in College Life
I have this problem with some of my friends, especially with one who was my best friend including his roommate with me last year. He seems to ignore me, but will not say whats wrong. I have even went above and beyond sent a gift card to his house for his birthday, and I gave him one week later a call to see if he got it. He did not call back.

I will of course go ahead and make move with new friends, but this little bit hurts and I won't forget because with them it was like a brotherhood. I hanged out with those guys almost every Friday night or weekends. Now that new year began, they moved out, they got own apartment. I have tried to keep in touch via email, facebook, call. His roommate occasionally keeps in touch with me (and he had birthday 4 days earlier, sent him the same stuff and once he received he thanked me for that). Its very unlike that I will see him in person at school, once the winter break ends, because my school is very big. Any good idea on how to find out why my friend won't talk?
Post edited by coyote77 on

Replies to: How do you politely ask "best" friends whats wrong when they ditch you

  • dramakitty92428dramakitty92428 Registered User Posts: 676 Member
    You're a guy and I"m a girl, so the rules of BFF's are a little different. But lots is still the same. So I'll do my best.

    First off, don't be clingy in any way, shape or form. No matter how much it hurts, it will only make the situation worse and won't make him want to hang out with you any more. I've had experiences with annoying clingy exes before and it sucks. Remember that. Be strong.

    Now...try telling him in a cool way that you miss him. I don't know how guys talk one on one with their BFF's, maybe something like "Hey bro, we used to hang out all the time, I kind of miss you now! We should hang out ______" and let it go from there.

    How long were you guys best friends? That can make a difference. Some people you know for years and you know it's a brotherhood/sisterhood, but other people you're BFF"s with for a few months and they turn out to be a flake.

    Good luck! PM me anytime and let me know how it goes!
  • GoldShadowGoldShadow Registered User Posts: 6,160 Senior Member
    The only time I ignore someone is if they are annoying. There are definitely many other reasons they may be giving you the cold shoulder, but I'm just throwing that out there.
  • SBRSBR Registered User Posts: 2,780 Senior Member
    I'd give him a call, if he's not there, leave a voicemail and just ask him what's up with him. Be casual though, say something like "Yo bro, we haven't hung out in a long time, we should get together and catch up before we leave/after we come back, blah blah blah." If he doesn't respond then ditch him and find some better friends.
  • coyote77coyote77 Registered User Posts: 92 Junior Member
    Well, if he never respond to me back, then I guess when I run into him in school, I'll ask him "Hey bro, what's wrong? Don't you wanna be friends with me anymore? ...". I think it will be very mature to handle this. Anyway I would prefer to confront him face to face and have him hear my voice and look into eyes, that try to do that by phone or emails which he can easily ignore. At least he'll give me a reason. Whats little bit odd is that I have no major communication problems with his roomate. So maybe I should call him to hang out and then I'll have a change to talk to the other guy.
  • coyote77coyote77 Registered User Posts: 92 Junior Member
    SBR, I think I was not causal with him recently because I have already sent him a universal gift card with $40 value for his birthday. Which he had last week.
  • bigreddawgiebigreddawgie Registered User Posts: 2,157 Senior Member
    maybe he has a crush on you and is avoiding you
  • Euler321Euler321 Registered User Posts: 597 Member
    Why are you giving your friends 40 dollar gifts? Some people just grow in different directions. Just stop calling him or talking to him, he'll call you when he wants to hang out. You can't force a friendship, and confronting him will only make him have to lie to you. He'll tell you he has been really busy, and that he is focused on school and hasn't hung out a lot lately or other BS.
  • coyote77coyote77 Registered User Posts: 92 Junior Member
    bigreddawgie, you hit a sensitive spot. I remember when he got drunk, he led on my shoulder and asked me about going to NY with him while I watched with another 2 guys a tv show. I got shy and embarresed, when some guy commented its akward and then he responded to me"You say, you are not gay as**ole". I believe he is a closet case, he talks about girls and he is politically conservative and belongs to a fraternity, but one time in a party, when a cute girl refused to dance, he told don't worry she is ugly. He once told me that he has a girlfriend but another day when I asked about her he did not know what I was talking about and I could see from his reaction. Another day, when he was sober, I was accidentally little too close to his him when he was sitting and he little got scared asked me if I am trying to kiss him. I said no, and then he, "ohhh thats good".
  • SBRSBR Registered User Posts: 2,780 Senior Member
    like I said, I prefer to keep things casual between friends. Whatever happens, just run with it. If he can't even be bothered to respond to a call or voicemail, then maybe he just doesn't want the contact. Can't really force someone to hang out with you.
  • SwissArmyKnifeSwissArmyKnife Registered User Posts: 73 Junior Member
    Friends come and go. Just move on.
  • pds004pds004 Registered User Posts: 34 Junior Member
    Did he join a fraternity? Did he join a fraternity in the south?
  • coyote77coyote77 Registered User Posts: 92 Junior Member
    I do not wanna force someone to hang out with me. I just wanna make sure there are no any misunderstanding. We used to hang out all the time last year and suddenly he no go with no words? Even when I find new friends that become my best friends and will replace those old, how can I be sure that they won't ditch me again after hanging out with them for months?

    I think the use of word force is little bit exaggeration. I would understand in case of new friends but the old one, that I met during my first year in dorms, first full college experience at that time when I felt I had finally made good friends. That su*ks!

    Here is the little story... I am polish and came to the u.s 4 years ago.

    1 year in college, MA, cool. met lot of polish friends and hung out a lot (but only with polish) - junior year
    2nd year moved to suburban school in Chicago. Failed to make any "good friends" there who would want to hang out. Americans were reluctant to become hanging out buddies. Did not meet many Poles there and the one I met were boors. not respecting anyone (calling random strange people fgs). very disappointing. senior year
    3rd year - attending first year in college and commuting. Not making any real friends, just meeting people in classes. Mainly due to long commute and not having time to participate on campus.
    4year (sophmore year). moved to dorms, became easily new friends with those who I describe. Not everyone else accepted me to open arms so much as them. I met a lot of friends but I only made a deep friendship (like brotherhood) with those who I describe now. I even had closer friendship with them than with my roommates.

    After 2 years of abstinence of friends, I was finally happy to have friends with whom I could hang out very often and have meaningful moments , and whats important not only Poles, but also Americans with whom I can talk in English. That improves language skills a lot. I also taught them some polish words. Over 4 years I think my English has improved a lot, but still I think I got to work on it, especially with my accent.

    I hope that now you who read this understand why I have attached a strong bond with them and now its hard for me to cut it or see them go away.
  • coyote77coyote77 Registered User Posts: 92 Junior Member
    To pds004. Yes he did join fraternity. I tried to join that fraternity too, but they got suspended and they can't recruit now.
  • GreensGreens Registered User Posts: 555 Member
    If they weren't talking to you, and you sent them a gift card or whatever, then there's one problem. Lay off a bit, give them time or whatever. I have no clue what's going on, but it's not something you can change my calling or sending in a b-day card.
    Seriously, if this is what's going on, then they just weren't mean to be. I look at a lot of things in life this way.
    You can compare this to girls as well. Think of some chick you've always wanted to be with, blah blah. You try and things are great and all, but you hit road bumps and things aren't so smooth. It's a sign saying get out while you can, because it's not something that was meant to be and it doesn't look like it would've lasted long anyways.
    Now when you look back at your buddies..it's sort of the same way. Just wasn't meant to be. Friends will stick around if they are truly your friends.
    So, don't worry about, find another group to hang with and let time fly by. Down the road you may accidentally bump into them, or give them a call asking if they want to hang since it's been a while.
  • coyote77coyote77 Registered User Posts: 92 Junior Member
    one of them was talking to me. Only one of them does not want to talk I think.

    Btw, Greens what you describe that is how exactly it goes with my family, my sister, my mother and especially my father.
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