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parents' money, not mine


Replies to: parents' money, not mine

  • woogzmamawoogzmama Registered User Posts: 3,850 Senior Member
    You shouldn't have any trouble finding your own way at college, and finding fellow students who are traveling along similar roads with similar challenges in reconciling their own aspirations with their parents'. American Muslims are very well represented on most college campuses, as they are one of the highest-achieving demographic groups, along with other Asian immigrant populations. A college like Emory probably has Muslim student organizations where you can meet other students and faculty members for guidance. Good luck!
  • mom2collegekidsmom2collegekids Forum Champion Financial Aid, Forum Champion Alabama Posts: 84,628 Forum Champion
    My parents drive 4 hours back & forth (8 hrs total) on a weekend, without any hotel stay, to see me lol, so 2 hrs really isn't much. As long as they're only there for a day though, OP should be fine.

    Wow....8 hours driving in one day for a short visit with you? How often do they do this?

    Do they come to see if you're "up to no good"? lol

    I think that is this student's concern....her parents are going to come and look for evidence of misbehavior.


  • intparentintparent Registered User Posts: 36,033 Senior Member
    Their is no real perspective from any of the opinions you are getting here because at some point or another, it is very likely that the posters here have tried to set rules and the like for their children while away at college.

    Not necessarily... my parents were quite controlling. Not quite as bad as OP's parents, but in their own way. I know from experience that once you are living on campus, you can usually do what you want and they will not know. And I have not tried to control my kids' own activities in college, They picked their own majors, made their own decisions on summer work and activities, etc. The only "controlling" thing I have done is voice some disapproval of my youngest's freeline skate acquisition (I suggested that if she must get them, she wear a helmet, but she is having none of it...). I certainly can't ban them, but YES, she did fall off them and break her arm on campus this summer. :( $900 in doctor's bills later... But she could have not told me she even had them (I only know because she told me), and made up some other excuse for the arm injury.
  • Lilliana330Lilliana330 Registered User Posts: 1,610 Senior Member
    edited January 2015
    @mom2collegekids LOL not at all. They miss me, plain and simple (& so do I, despite not picking up the phone sometimes). :P They've only come 3-4 times, not counting picking me up for breaks. Half the time I've asked them to come...It's not a big deal. CA driving time = scaled differently. They drive the same distance when we go to Six Flags MM, so they figure why not do it to see their child lol. I enjoy these visits, as they often entail eating out & shopping for stuff that's a car ride away/not accessible by metro. :)
  • viewthroughkohl0viewthroughkohl0 Registered User Posts: 173 Junior Member
    Woogzmama: hopefully, when we visited there were many Muslims there and girls wearing the hijab. It was pretty diverse on both campuses
    Well I guess I'm just going to have to lay out all the options and see if things are different/better come April. Just have to make sure to meet all the deadlines for safeties until then
  • SOSConcernSOSConcern Registered User Posts: 3,784 Senior Member
    Outside of wearing the hijab (or can you wear a head scarf?) - do you have any relatives that can help support what you are looking for with school? - you may be assuming the worst out of your parents and how much 'control' they will exert from a distance. What do you want to major in? Do your parents expect you to have an arranged marriage? Do the campuses all have an all women's dorm that you can live in? Rather than confront them about things, just look for ways that will give them the 'surface comfort' they are looking for. Hopefully you can have the college experiences you desire. Once at school, keep giving them positive messages in your time frame may hold them off from frequent visiting. My college was only 100 miles away from home, but parents only surprised me one time when they came up for a business conference - and I was in a chemistry lab (so I came out to the hall to talk to them a bit). After that, they arranged ahead so I would meet them in evening for dinner - I would either meet them at restaurant or they would come and get me to drive to restaurant. My parents were very controlling when I was in HS (they were on all the daughters; double standard for their sons). They liked my college boyfriend (now husband of 35 years) - they always considered him their best SIL..
  • sumobatssumobats Registered User Posts: 436 Member
    OP, reading this I can't help but think that at least you'll be out of the house. Even with weekly visits, how much can your parents control you when you're not living under the same roof? My sister is a senior in college and lives at home and she still has to ask permission every time she goes out. Half the time, my parents will say no. There's nothing she can do about it. Once you get out of the house you'll realize how much freedom you have.
  • Lilliana330Lilliana330 Registered User Posts: 1,610 Senior Member
    edited January 2015
    @viewthroughkohl0 Also make sure they don't make you get one of those tracking apps! :|
  • viewthroughkohl0viewthroughkohl0 Registered User Posts: 173 Junior Member
    I don't actually wear the hijab (though they want me to) and my closest relatives are in California, so not so great on that part. I wanted to double in International Studies and Cognitive Behavior/Neuroscience, but they're not particularly concerned about that. Dorming worries them, and neither State nor Emory have womens' dorms (though Tech does if I'm not mistaken). So @SOSConcern‌ , they backed off a bit after you and your sisters graduated? I'm hoping that a lot of their claims are just bluffs but..
    Sumoboats: I have some arab friends who dormed and a few that didn't, and while the ones who did had a lot more wiggle room their parents still had a tight grip on them, and out of them mine are the strictest.
    Liliana: my dad actually suggested that just the other day haha, but I don't think he'd go through with that and even if he did it would only make a big difference here in the hometown and not in a different city already. Or just get a different cheap phone to use for practical purposes and leave that one for them
  • Lilliana330Lilliana330 Registered User Posts: 1,610 Senior Member
    edited January 2015
    @viewthroughkohl0 Lol hopefully he doesn't. I understand where you're coming from; my parents used to be pretty strict too, coming from a conservative cultural/religious background as well. Took me longer than my peers to be allowed to have a phone/go out w/friends by myself/wear makeup/blahblahblah. However, with time, they began to slowly let loose.

    They don't necessarily do this cause they don't trust us, they just don't trust "the rest of the world." They mean well, as tough as it may be to accept. The key is to take small steps. Smaller steps lead to bigger ones. Neither distancing oneself completely nor "forcing" (for lack of a better term) of our ideas right away works. You have to slowly convince them to accept that there's no harm in healthy fun, and that takes patience/time. Play nice as mentioned earlier, and you'll start to see small changes in the way they see things, which could possibly lead to bigger changes.
  • viewthroughkohl0viewthroughkohl0 Registered User Posts: 173 Junior Member
    Guess it's all going to take patience and effort - but you're right, and I suppose there's not much to lose
  • MYOS1634MYOS1634 Registered User Posts: 39,652 Senior Member
    Apply to lots of colleges :) - once all admissions are in, who knows?
    I mean, if you got into a college that makes the community proud, would they keep you from going so that you can be 2 hours from them?
    Have you applied to Emory's Oxford campus?
    If Emory doesn't have women-only dorms, check whether they have women-only floors or corridors, or whether they have substance-free dorms, or quiet dorms. (Quiet dorms would be my pick, since substance-free may not just mean religious kids, but also recovering kids. Quiet dorms are just...quieter than the others.)
    At all the universities you considered, regardless of how far they are, email the Muslim student association and the Muslim chaplain/university imam. Ask many questions, placing yourself in your parents' shoes. Think about the answers they'd like to hear and ask the appropriate question.
    If they don't require a hijab but have a dress code, carry a long skirt in your bag at all times, then wear short-shorts and flip flops if you wish... ;-) Don't ever mention boys. When they visit, make sure you have to put in hours in the library, have a study group, etc, but set time aside to go eat dinner with them and have them visit your dorm room (which will not be filled with piles of ketchup-stained tee shirts, dirty underwear, and empty beer bottles, of course, but pristine thanks to intensive cleaning. Ergo, buy the cleaning supplies ahead of time!!) If they track your phone, buy another one that you'll use with your friends, and keep the official phone in a library cubby (see if you can get one, do that very early during orientation) or carry it to lunch, then drop it in your dorm room right after dinner say at 7pm, where it'll leave for class promptly then spend the day in its library cubby. What a studious daughter, working so hard!
    In a nutshell: Once you're on campus, you'll have your own life.

    Can you apply to Mount Holyoke? What about Scripps (it's in CA, so... same State as your relatives...)?

  • northwoodiannorthwoodian Registered User Posts: 66 Junior Member
    I'm going to put my own two cents here...

    First off, I think it might be smarter to have your parents pay for your dream school. Speaking as a Muslim-turned atheist high school senior, I know how Arab families can be. While I wouldn't recommend being deceptive as @MYOS1634‌ suggests, I think you should be up front with your parents and either express your concerns, or if you can't, seek outside help from either a friend, therapist, or some sort of mentor- I'm sure many colleges offer support.

    Also, at the end of the day, I'm sure your parents only want the best for you- if you can prove that you can handle the responsibilities of college by maintaining a high GPA and surrounding yourself by decent people, I think that most parents (yes, even Arab parents...) would be open to possibly giving you a longer leash and freedom.

    Best of luck, and if you need anyone to talk to, feel free to PM me :)
  • staceyneilstaceyneil Registered User Posts: 1,234 Senior Member
    @viewthroughkohl0 Have you looked into all-women's colleges? You could get a tremendously great education and your parents might be well pleased with the all-female aspect. My D attends Mount Holyoke and has a couple of friends who are neuro majors; it's also well-known for its international studies. The student body is extremely diverse, with many internationals and strong communities of various ethnic and religious backgrounds. It's a wonderful, very supportive and collaborative and intellectual environment. In addition (your parents don't need to know this part!) it's easy to socialize with men, if you so desire, because it's part of the 5-college consortium with Amherst College, UMass, Hampshire, as well as Smith. There is also, though, a strong LGBTQ community on campus, if that is what you were implying with one of your earlier comments.
    All in all, I've been extremely impressed with my D's experience there so far, and recommend it highly.
  • bopperbopper Forum Champion CWRU Posts: 12,468 Forum Champion
    What I would suggest is to apply to your dream schools and apply to the state school.
    If you get into the dream school, try to "sell" it to them. Maybe you stay in a all women dorm or all women floor. You highlight the muslim student association, show them where the nearest mosque is and the Halal food plan.
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