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parents' money, not mine

viewthroughkohl0viewthroughkohl0 Registered User Posts: 173 Junior Member
My parents are wealthy, but at 18 I'm not. They have very strict guidelines on what they desire from me come college, which includes frequent visits and me essentially keeping anything non-Muslim frantically hidden from them, this being after 18 years and some serious valleys and plateaus. Point being, should I just forgo their funding and go to my state school, which is still pretty nice but almost feels wasteful after how hard I've worked in high school, or use their money and go to my dream school, yet still be tied to their legs?
Sorry it's so long.
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Replies to: parents' money, not mine

  • proudterrierproudterrier Registered User Posts: 676 Member
    Take their money and go to the nicest possible school you can get into. It's only four more years--you can do it! On the negative side, they'll hold it over your head for the foreseeable future (my mom STILL talks about how she bought a laptop for me... in 2006)... but sad truth is the caliber of your university education matters, the best schools are expensive (and rarely free), and student loan debt is TERRIBLE. It's tanking an entire generation and will have long term repercussions on the economy and our social progress.

    Go as far away as they will let you--it makes cutting the apron strings easier. If you go to state school you'll actually be closer to them and closer to their sphere of influence, while acquiring debt. You can creatively get involved in things on campus that mean you have to stay there and can't come home as often--you can be strategic in picking things they'll approve of.
  • viewthroughkohl0viewthroughkohl0 Registered User Posts: 173 Junior Member
    Well the issue is the school that they are WILLING to pay for is about the same distance away as the state school, so that's not great. But I visited and fell on lust. And the state school would actually end up free because of the scholarship they've offered - I was considering going there for 2 years, saving up and perhaps going somewhere a bit better on my own bill? Just don't want to damage future prospects, but the idea of their control for another few years is terrifying.
  • prospect1prospect1 Registered User Posts: 1,432 Senior Member
    OP, I am speaking as a parent here. Believe me when I tell you that your parents act the way they do not because they want to hurt you, but because they love you. Truly. They believe that when you step outside of their comfort zone, you could hurt yourself. You may disagree with them (heck, I may disagree with them), but at the end of the day they are your parents. However you feel about them now at 18 could very well change over the next decade.

    What you are proposing to do would not only take you away from your dream school, but could also severely damage your relationship with your parents. This may seem OK to you now, but it may not seek OK someday.

    What's more, going to the state school will not permit you to cut the apron strings. A full scholarship is unlikely to give you complete freedom from your parents. How will you live in the summer? What if you have a health crisis? The list goes on and on.

    Suck it up and go to your dream school. Then get an amazing job and - if you still dislike your parents' control, you will have the means to take care of yourself.
  • viewthroughkohl0viewthroughkohl0 Registered User Posts: 173 Junior Member
    Trust me - no one knows better than I do that they truly believe that what they are doing is right, thanks to their respective single-sex, Palestinian enclaved, rigorous educations in Kuwait, circa 1975. They have a certain conviction in their hearts, and have repeatedly acknowledged that though they mess up for me quite often, at least that raised their chances of getting it right for my two younger sisters (all under the assumption that I'd be okay). But I can't be like this anymore. I've deteriorated so much in the past few years and it's only accelerated in the last 4 months. Previously, I was on the fast track to graduating so I could move out sooner but eventually decided not to take the opportunity and jeopardize my college prospects. At this point though, it's not even about my resentment towards their negligence or weight. It's about my mental and physical health, as well as possibility to actually breathe without fear of doing so "sinfully."
    Sorry if this comes off as some sort of rant.
  • prospect1prospect1 Registered User Posts: 1,432 Senior Member
    I do feel for you, OP. Is there another adult in your life you could discuss these things with? Financial independence is difficult to achieve and financial support is difficult to live without at 18. May I suggest that, once you are away at school, the control will necessarily lessen? I know you said the school is not far, but surely they would not be able to monitor your every step. You are close to the finish line here.
  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus Registered User Posts: 73,771 Senior Member
    edited December 2014
    In another thread, you mention a 4.0 GPA and a 2190 SAT.

    http://automaticfulltuition.yolasite.com/ suggests that there are several schools where you can get a full ride merit scholarship based on your stats (though many consider CR+M for the SAT) so that you won't need your parents' money during the school year.

    Your other threads indicate that you do not have any safeties on your list, so you need to find one, just in case you do not get into any of your dream schools (the automatic full ride schools would count as safeties, of course).
  • proudterrierproudterrier Registered User Posts: 676 Member
    Just an additional suggestion... I still think you should take their money and go to a good school. But once you're at school, go to student health services and see if you can see a therapist. It might be enormously helpful for you--it sounds like you're super stressed, which is very understandable. If it's not covered at school, get a part time job and then find a therapist who charges on a sliding scale.

    It'll be okay! Even if it seems dire, I'm positive being away at college will alleviate a lot of your stress. It's a magical thing being away from restrictive parents. I'm sorry you're going through all this stress :(
  • viewthroughkohl0viewthroughkohl0 Registered User Posts: 173 Junior Member
    It's about 2 hours away.. not really bad but enough to at least have ideas of weekly visits.

    Thanks so much for the list.. I'm looking at it now!
  • Lilliana330Lilliana330 Registered User Posts: 1,610 Senior Member
    edited December 2014
    @viewthroughkohl0 Weekly visits might sound like a bit much, but you still won't see each other everyday (like you do now). Go to your dream school. Once you're there you'll be able to gain some independence/breathing room, at least 6/7 days. Don't complain to them about the visits. When they visit you, agree w/everything they say/etc. They'll see that you're not "deviating from their values" and will gradually calm down. Less tension = improved relationships = more trust from them in the long run = possibly decreased visits/greater independence for yourself = repeat. & also keep in mind that they do love you, and I'm sure you love them as well despite disliking their rules lol. Hang in there!
  • prospect1prospect1 Registered User Posts: 1,432 Senior Member
    With your school two hours away, and younger children still at home, you will not be seeing them very much. Once a week sounds ambitious. Even if they do visit every week, these visits would not be for long periods of time. As Lilliana330 suggests, "play nice" with them during these visits and they will dissipate. Perhaps try to line up summer jobs away from home that sound enough like internships/opportunities that they would support.

    I fear that if you try to cut all financial ties, you could be buying yourself a whole different set of anxieties. Trading one set of problems for another. Trying to support yourself all through school is not an easy thing these days.

  • viewthroughkohl0viewthroughkohl0 Registered User Posts: 173 Junior Member
    Ucbalumnus: Well my original safety was Georgia State University, which is a full ride also.. but yes, the other ones are also good ideas>.>
    Proudterrier: That would probably be a huge help.. and thanks for the support!
    Lilliana: One can only hope:p But you have a point. If that's what they need to hear then delivering anything else probably won't be beneficial. .
  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus Registered User Posts: 73,771 Senior Member
    edited December 2014
    keeping anything non-Muslim frantically hidden from them

    What do you mean by this? Lots of things (including most subjects you might learn in school, such as math, economics, literature, history, physics, etc.) are not specifically Muslim, but not opposed either. Most Muslims (and people of any religion) whom I have encountered do things other than religious activities most of the time.
  • viewthroughkohl0viewthroughkohl0 Registered User Posts: 173 Junior Member
    Prospect: I hope you are right about the visits being ambitious. It's not necessarily that they want me around, but like you said, it's within their comfort zone. And yes, I have a few jobs and summer classes waiting during the off-semesters.
  • proudterrierproudterrier Registered User Posts: 676 Member
    Oh, are you in Georgia? Man, don't go to GA State! Not if the school they are willing to pay for is Emory, or Tech, or even UGA. With love to my friends who went to GA State (I went to HS there, so plenty), you'll get a much, much better education and foundation for your career pretty much anywhere but there, considering the relative merits of Georgia schools.
  • viewthroughkohl0viewthroughkohl0 Registered User Posts: 173 Junior Member
    Ucbalumnus: Yes and that is how it should be. There is also a quote in the Quran that states, "There is no compulsion in religion," but that is not always adhered to either. Of course I wouldn't have to hide all my coursework or even my reading material (even if they dislike it) but anything socially, ideologically or religiously deviant. For instance, if I actually didn't agree with their Islam. Or my sexual orientation (or even its existence) was not towards educated Muslim men. Or if I had nonMuslim friends (not just colleagues). Or if I chose to show my calves in front of them. Or be out after sunset in a "dangerous" city. And so on.
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