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Could someone be too immature for college?

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Replies to: Could someone be too immature for college?

  • lookingforwardlookingforward Registered User Posts: 32,396 Senior Member
    edited September 2014
    First, Mom, I'm sorry you're going through this, but do try to take a breath. These things are hard- as someone said, it's a speed bump. Sometimes, no matter how we tried to steer them or be good parents, things happen. We can only try to do the best we can, at each moment. This is a new phase- breathe, set expectations- and know we're with you. Please know, we all walk on eggshells, at times.

    D2 wasn't emotionally ready. The ups and downs she put us through were an extension of some hs issues and it just took time and her own astute counselor to help her tread water as she grew. (Aim for a counselor for her who specializes in older teens and college age- often you can get a rec from a local college. These counselors can be golden. A different sort benefits family therapy.) At one point, she wanted to drop out to be with the then S.O. When they broke up, she crashed. She didn't really 'wake up' (ie, wasn't ready for college challenges) til the beginning of junior year- none of us can do much of the hindsight thing.

    Nor was my brother ready, but that's another tale. It took a few false starts before he got his wheels on track- but the point is, he did get them on track, eventually.


    I want to say that she can't find the perfect major based on hs courses, which are limited- she needs to get to that college buffet of choices. (And remember they don't even declare til late 2nd year, so the expectation of knowing now is unrealistic.) Community college is one way- people talk about issues later reapplying to a 4-year, but it would put her in the academic scene, learning, it's something productive. Maybe she can audit.

    Or she works- either work or classes become the commitment, a condition of staying home. A responsible job, not necessarily what earned her spending money in hs. If possible, as many hours as possible, learning the real world expectations we all face. If you can't afford to pay for cc, then it's a job. And, maybe the requirement she makes a contribution to you for her living costs.

    I know this is hard for you. Agree you shouldn't blame yourself and your own counseling may help sort that out. I hope none of this sounds harsh. My heart is with you.
  • DiffMomDiffMom Registered User Posts: 161 Junior Member
    edited September 2014
    "Fact is, she was ruthless to us last year. She always demanded of us, was completely unreasonable, and was mean."
    Could this be caused by unstable hormone levels? Have her checked out by an adolescent doctor, make sure the behavior is not related to a hidden physical illness. Therapy can help. Does she have another adult with whom she can talk?
  • HannaHanna Registered User Posts: 14,905 Senior Member
    "Now that she is home, I would insist on her getting a job and start paying her way."

    Yup. Work out some reasonable rules with your husband and present them as a united front. Job, chores, and treating other members of the family decently. Children of the family get to live at home even if they are ruthless and mean. Adult members of the family do not.

    These rules worked on me after I flunked out of high school. Can't live at home unless I'm working. Parents will not pay for car, etc. I grew up a lot in those two years working and living at home.
  • HarvestMoon1HarvestMoon1 Registered User Posts: 6,228 Senior Member
    Living full time on a college campus and dorm life is not for everyone. Many, many students in the U.S. do not sign up for the "full college experience" and do just fine. There are costs issues here and perhaps there is a suitable 4 year college within an hour of your home that might work for your D. She is probably beyond community college as I think her stats were very good, so look elsewhere closer to home while she figures all this out.
  • DrGoogleDrGoogle Registered User Posts: 11,047 Senior Member
    I wouldn't beat yourselves up. I have one slightly immature kid and I'm glad she is only 1 hour away. She did some stupid things last year and now expressed regrets, but at least she learned never to do it again. Going to nearby or local seems to be good option for your daughter.
  • ConsolationConsolation Registered User Posts: 23,020 Senior Member
    And frankly, it is pretty gross to have one closet for two people - two people who do not know each other at all.

    Seriously?
  • lookingforwardlookingforward Registered User Posts: 32,396 Senior Member
    Just saying: both of mine had doubles that had been converted to quads- a desk/sitting room and a small BR with bunk beds, but one measly closet for four girls.
  • PizzagirlPizzagirl Registered User Posts: 40,488 Senior Member
    Yeah, I don't get that either. It's just clothing hanging in a closet. It doesn't have cooties. I can appreciate that it may be small, but it's not gross.
  • ekdad212ekdad212 Registered User Posts: 171 Junior Member
    I didn't read every post but it sounds like, in summary: OP's daughter got into the same college (honors) as her BF but it was too costly, so she went to a less expensive school and now she dropped out, came home and wants to go to BF's school to pursue her "passion"?

    It sounds like OP's daughter is acting out in order to get what she wanted all along: attending school with her BF.

    That sounds like a insolant behavior. I read somewhere that a child is mature when she comes to the realization that her mother was right all along. That rings true to me.
  • oldfortoldfort Registered User Posts: 23,005 Senior Member
    It maybe kind of gross if the other person doesn't wash their clothes as often as you do. I don't think I would like to share a closet with someone I don't know too well.
  • oldmom4896oldmom4896 Registered User Posts: 4,066 Senior Member
    If the OP's daughter is indeed immature, for sure she will be more mature in a year. But if she wants to apply anew for fall 2015 admission, she should start working on that soon!
  • rhandcorhandco Registered User Posts: 4,292 Senior Member
    Yes, seriously. Some people do not have the same idea of neat and clean as you. And if one or both expected their own closet, space is an issue.

    I didn't even like having HS lockers right next to each other. The kid next to me had the WORST BO in the world, yeah I know it wasn't his fault but I literally thought I was going to pass out.

    Call me cranky.

  • j814wongj814wong Registered User Posts: 427 Member
    Yes. The kid that goes to college then parties day and night and graduates with a poor GPA because they did not spend proper time studying is wasting his (or likely his parent's) money and is obviously too immature for college.

    Unless a person is aiming to go to college with the primary goal of learning, they are wasting their tiime.
  • MommaJMommaJ Registered User Posts: 5,756 Senior Member
    It sounds like OP's daughter is acting out in order to get what she wanted all along: attending school with her BF.
    Ding ding ding! I believe we have a winner. It's the absurd "oh my God, someone was smoking a cigarette and I couldn't bear it" story that convinces me that this girl is a master manipulator. As if there aren't tons of smokers at every college!

    There's been lots of great advice on this thread (excepting that provided by the know-it-all kid). I'd add that mom and dad should remove themselves from any decision by the daughter about choosing a major. It's really not their business, and it sounds like this family hardly needs one more bone of contention. Looking forward, if the daughter has not gotten herself situated in another (affordable) school full-time by next fall, it's time to move her out of the parental home to whatever she can afford on her own--a room in a shared house, a nanny job with room and board, etc. If college isn't on her agenda (an unaffordable college doesn't count), she'll have to start living on her own as the adult she is.
  • lmkh70lmkh70 Registered User Posts: 976 Member
    I think I would perhaps buy this. She is not planning a wedding for next summer and says she will do it, with, or without me. I suspect she never wanted to go off to college in the first place. And her boyfriend says he will transfer to where ever she goes.
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