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Advice for son who didn't get in to fraternity

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Replies to: Advice for son who didn't get in to fraternity

  • carolinamom2boyscarolinamom2boys 6895 replies223 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    @mommission I have not written any posts regarding what goes on in a fraternity house. Clearly you have me mixed up with someone else.
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  • MommissionMommission 33 replies0 postsRegistered User Junior Member
    My son was heart broken and wanted so badly to be a part of a bigger group. I bought into the entire thing and was blinded by their promise of the brotherhood. it was the most cruel experience even I have ever had. A 2 hour tour with the president of the frat over the summer, I even saw the guys bathrooms. They hurt not only my son but a handful of others that I knew about that year (not just this frat but a couple of others and one sorority that devastated a girl) and when even this year other parents have contacted me (one the father of a kid that was president of his class at a local private school here) with devastated kids, I decided to start speaking out. I asked my son first, I would never put him at risk socially again. The playing field for him is way one sided for these organizations. He calls college High School 2. He doesn't feel anything for his school, has not been to one party or game. I promise you, there were girls who tried to get in to your organization and cried themselves to sleep the night of bids. I sense that you know this too. I have read all your posts and your empathy comes out on occasion. Is it really okay for even one kid to cry themselves to sleep so that others can have their social needs met in such an exclusionary way? Our school is 37% Greek. They permeate every single place. They take over, get voted in, have hordes of advantages on tests, internships are all but secured by alumni.

    I am not liking the fact that I have to tar them all but they are all exclusionary and as long as the process is designed to make some feel included and others feel excluded socially on our college campuses I will cry foul.
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  • EarlVanDornEarlVanDorn 1196 replies87 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    @Mommission A PNM is a female rushee.
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  • PizzagirlPizzagirl 40174 replies320 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    Can you share what campus this is? I think it's important for parents / students on CC to have a sense as to which Greek systems are particularly "harsh" (for lack of a better word). Again, my heart IS broken for your son, honest.
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  • prospect1prospect1 1391 replies41 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    We have threads on all sorts of aspects of colleges. I think it would be a good idea to have a thread re: which universities have disagreeable greek practices.

    Note, I'm not talking about a list of schools with "strong" greek systems; as someone above pointed out, it's not the percentage of greeks or even their presence on campus that's the issue in my opinion. I think it would be helpful for future applicants to know which colleges have systems that engage in harsh practices, as @pizzagirl put it.
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  • PizzagirlPizzagirl 40174 replies320 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    Right. Like, at least from a sorority perspective, Indiana is up there in my "wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole" list. Whatever their system is, the number of spots isn't predicated on the number of girls going through, so many, many girls are disappointed and get in nowhere.

    Frankly I think any sorority system in which recs are important isn't good, since it gives an inherent advantage to girls who a) have mothers in the first place, b) have American mothers, and c) have college educated mothers. Recs should be optional, not mandatory.

    Any sorority system in which it's necessary to "prepare" over the summer, or for which there are clinics held for high school girls, is one to avoid as well, IMO.

    I'll get yelled at for this, but (most) SEC-style rush is a whole different animal from (most) northern rush.
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  • carolinamom2boyscarolinamom2boys 6895 replies223 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    @Pizzagirl Have you ever rushed a SEC sorority?
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  • PizzagirlPizzagirl 40174 replies320 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    No, but I know at least a dozen girls who have (with varying levels of success).
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  • carolinamom2boyscarolinamom2boys 6895 replies223 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    I'm sure each school has varying practices .
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  • twoinanddonetwoinanddone 22407 replies14 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    I promise you, there were girls who tried to get in to your organization and cried themselves to sleep the night of bids. I sense that you know this too.

    If there were kids who wanted to join but didn't, it was NOT because we excluded them. I do know, I did see the lists and bids, and everyone invited to the final party got a bid in all the years I was active in the house. I'm sure there were kids who didn't join because they didn't have the money (even though it was not expensive), and I think there were a few whose parents didn't allow them to join in the end. One girl picked another house because it was closer to campus and she didn't want to walk up the hill. Nothing we could do about those who chose other houses. We actually had quite a few local members who didn't live in the house and I don't know if other houses had a live in requirement or not so they may have felt excluded by the other houses, but obviously picked ours. I do remember one extended discussion on whether to extend a bid to one girl. Someone really wanted her as a member, someone else had a big issue with her (I believe all 3 knew each other from the dorms or a class or maybe even high school). In the end, she received a bid AND she joined. It is the only discussion I remember about a PNM.

    Sororities are different than fraternities in the bid process. Sometimes I think the girls do it better with more rules and structure, sometimes the boys do with a relaxed rush process and more time. As I said earlier, my nephew's roommates (2 different ones) were not invited to join his house. They were disappointed, but moved on and joined other houses. Yep, they had to look at my nephew going to parties, wearing his sweatshirt, having his mother for the Mom's weekend, going away for the weekend to resorts and events. They could have stayed in their rooms being disappointed, but they decided to go out and join other groups. One of the roommates has been a friend since middle school. Still friends. At this school Greeks are only about 10% of undergrads so there is plenty of other things to do, but they wanted to join a fraternity so they did.

    My niece was roommates with her best friend from high school. They went through rush together and joined different houses after they were dropped or selected different invitations to second and third parties (roommate was definitely dropped from the house my niece joined). Continued to be roommates all through college. It worked out fine. My daughter is in the same sorority as someone she went to Kindergarten with, and she definitely DIDN'T want to be roommates with this girl. It's worked out great and they are now better friends than they ever thought they would be.
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