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Sad and disappointed: when to give up on a child's education?

Emsmom1Emsmom1 1008 replies80 threads Senior Member
DD has been on medical leave from a non-HYP Ivy since Dec 2017 for anxiety and depression (she also has ADHD). Since then, she's been through two intensive outpatient programs and is on her third therapist. She was working but was fired from her job (for giving shifts away too often when she just didn't feel like working). She was taking a class at the local community college until yesterday when she freaked out before a test and decided to drop the class-late, so there will be a W on her transcript. She wants desperately to return to her school, but I am starting to realize that may not happen. Now, though, she has a mess on her transcript from dropping classes at community college (this was not her first W). I don't know what to do. My husband says just let the clock run out-at her school she has five years to return without an issue; after that, she has to talk with a dean. But the thought of three more years of her trying (and probably failing) to get to a point at which the school will let her return sounds unbearably painful. Part of me wants to suggest she formally withdraw from the school so she doesn't have that pressure to return.
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Replies to: Sad and disappointed: when to give up on a child's education?

  • lookingforwardlookingforward 35868 replies404 threads Senior Member
    edited July 2019
    Just letting the clock run out is no help to her ADHD. It's something, afaiac (not a pro,) that's common in ADHD. Waiting, wishing, not changing, then ruing, and the cycle begins all over.

    And some kids are square pegs trying to fit into a round hole. Often, another path, letting go old old, is better. We don't know.

    Family counseling can help.
    edited July 2019
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  • Emsmom1Emsmom1 1008 replies80 threads Senior Member
    @Wellspring what is TMS?
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  • momocarlymomocarly 1066 replies12 threads Senior Member
    Our daughter has been going through the sign up for class, freak out either just before or after the class starts at CC and drop it mode the last 3 years. She has managed to finish 2 classes. She has tried trade school, dropped it. Had I don't know how many jobs and quit, got fired , or just left all of them because of depression or boy issues (leading to depression). This last time we had to tell her we were done. If she chooses to go to school she can work and pay for classes. Then if she starts showing success we will talk again. I don't think she will go back at least for 5 years.

    The good thing for you is that your daughter is getting therapy. I might try a family counseling session about college and reality. Ours refused to go to the doctor or take her meds so it doesn't work for us buy may for you since your daughter does want to return. Set up a plan on when to withdraw or what progress she needs to keep going and determine if it is a realistic idea to do it. Good luck!
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  • WellspringWellspring 1533 replies9 threads Senior Member
    Transcranial magnetic stimulation. An FDA approved treatment for depression. It made a big difference for my daughter.
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  • astute12astute12 675 replies9 threads Member
    Work on getting good, evidence-based, treatment for her anxiety and depression. CBT, DBT, and also look into TMS for depression, but first and foremost, get her mentally healthy! It is hard to let go of a path that has been a given for so long, but you never know what the future holds. Get her healthy.
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  • thumper1thumper1 79068 replies3570 threads Senior Member
    Has an inpatient program been considered...with a transition to outpatient? I do not even know if this is possible given your daughter’s situation, but you are saying...the outpatient programs have not helped.

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  • BelmontVABelmontVA 86 replies8 threads Junior Member
    Knowing nothing about depression, depending on medical and financial feasibility, you might consider to let her travel/live overseas to be in a different environment for sometime so that she can get away from academic and family/friends peer pressure and also gain different perspectives with exposure to different cultures. For example, teaching English in east Asia.
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  • Jon234Jon234 415 replies10 threads Member
    Brown seems like a terrific school. Do they have any mental health support services your daughter might benefit from? They offered her a place, they want her to succeed.
    Good luck to your family. Take as much time as it takes. If the clock runs out you can’t control that but I wouldn’t close any doors.
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  • cptofthehousecptofthehouse 30787 replies59 threads Senior Member
    It’s not a matter of giving up as much as refocusing the attention. Brown, or any college , should not be in the picture at all, IMO, when focusing on getting someone on their feet. It’s a distraction. It often takes every bit of effort and attention to working out the problems in life to make headway. To have something like a college deadline hanging over one’s head is no reward when things are dire but another thing to live up to. Of course, this can vary from person to person.
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  • Cardinal FangCardinal Fang 20245 replies164 threads Senior Member
    What would you differently if you let the clock run out, versus if you didn't?
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  • lookingforwardlookingforward 35868 replies404 threads Senior Member
    edited July 2019
    I truly think the first issue is the mental health, overall, and functioning successfully in whatever it is. Not perfection, but progress in managing life reasonably well.

    And that the question of holding open her return to a particular tippy top can seriously cloud things. Maybe stand in the way of learning new ways.

    Parent counseling can help identify where one feeds the beast vs establishing the right foundation to tackle today's needs.

    Imo, part of ADHD and then depression is about delaying decisions and responsibilities, (thus, delaying fulfillment,) always thinking you can pay that bill tomorrow, start another class later, or find another job, sometime. And then, no progress. "Oh well, I have x more years to get back to Brown."

    You may want to strip all the extra What Ifs out of this and just work on today, this week, this goal. And drop Brown out of the equation.
    edited July 2019
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  • DadTwoGirlsDadTwoGirls 6906 replies2 threads Senior Member
    I agree with the comment that you should not even be thinking about your daughter's education right now. You should be thinking about how to help her get well. Also, you should not be the doctor. You should provide her with a safe environment to live, and get her to the right doctors who should do their job.

    Is your daughter on medication? It takes a while, but the medical profession has gotten a lot better in dealing with depression and anxiety. Sometimes medication is needed. Sometimes the first medication does not work and they need to try a second or a third.

    It is not unusual for very smart students to have to deal with depression and anxiety. I don't want to go into details, but I am aware of cases that seemed similar to what you are dealing with where the student has over time with medical help gotten better, returned to school, and done exceptionally well. This takes time, and often takes medical help and some support from the family.

    Great universities will still be there whenever your daughter does get better.
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