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How do you deal with overnight guests when there is not room for all?

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Replies to: How do you deal with overnight guests when there is not room for all?

  • HoggirlHoggirl 1716 replies197 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    @soozievt - I’m sure he woudn’t have. It will be nice, however, for him not to have to share a bathroom with either us or MIL. Our bathrooms are small! Our whole place is small - 935 sq ft!

    @conmama - yes, it’s just that *I* don’t get what *I* want - lol. It won’t be this way forever. I hope that I am mindful of ds’s future family’s wishes and that we will be able to have open dialogue about expectations.
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  • conmamaconmama 4266 replies315 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    @Hoggirl , I know, I really do. I think I’m learning how to do things differently when I’m the MIL, by finding firsthand the imposition of our own parents staying with us. I told DH we will stay in hotels when visiting. I think by doing that, everyone will be happier and not groan privately like we did and still do when we know they are coming.

    I wouldn’t be happy in your situation either. I would want my son to be home with me in his own room.
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  • MarilynMarilyn 3709 replies124 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    If your son has his own place while visiting, that can give you the chance for some private time with him.
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  • sevmomsevmom 8396 replies55 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Yeah, my sister and I slept on a sofa, sectional combo when we visited my son recently. Took the back pillows off and it was fairly comfortable. No problem. And we're old!



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  • HoggirlHoggirl 1716 replies197 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    @conmama - I have said the same thing to dh about when ds marries. We will stay in hotels when we visit him and his family. Dh says, “We’ll see what the situation is when the time comes.” Some of it is his frugality. And, he never had to stay with my parents, so he really doesn’t understand what that’s like.
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  • conmamaconmama 4266 replies315 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    @Hoggirl , plus the older I get, the more I like my privacy. I never, ever want to feel like I’m underfoot. I really had a strong dislike to parents staying for visits, especially when I worked and the kids were little. The worst was when I would take a week of vacation at Xmas time and one or both would be here at varying times. My vacation days were precious and I just wanted to go on playmates with the kids and my friends, veg out on the sofa with them....not have anyone around. I really resented it. I don’t want to be that person.
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  • sevmomsevmom 8396 replies55 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I think it is great that the husband and son want a connection with the "family of origin" and want contact with the MIL. Many sons/grandsons do want to stay close to their families. The OP does not have any living parents or siblings, so her frame of reference may be different than her husband and son's. It is modeling very loving behavior to the son in terms of treating the MIL well ( which sounds like the OP does). The son (and any future DIL) will hopefully remain close to the OP as she ages.
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  • gardenstategalgardenstategal 5727 replies10 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I might rent an AirBnB and move the whole show, including you and your spouse, there. It can be nearby if it's easier to cook at home or whatever, but nobody should be the odd man out. We have been through versions of this in our family. Our parents like to join us for the holidays, so another time doesn't work.
    Personally, I live for my kid's return to the nest. Nobody likes the sleeper sofa, btw.

    Travel plans over the holiday for the group are also an alternative if folks are up to it. Rather than a compromised traditional celebration, do something totally different.

    A choice between the generations will leave feelings of hurt, resentment, guilt, and whatever else you want in your misery cocktail. You can't win.
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  • eyemamomeyemamom 5428 replies79 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I totally get wanting your son to yourself a few days. I also have a family who would never go to a hotel. I do agree it’s the early mornings drinking coffee on the back porch or late night chats that makes a visit. The key is being aware of others, helping yourself and not needing to be entertained. I’d be in your camp of understanding the issue but being frustrated as well.
    I’m guessing your son won’t be nearly as upset as you. A major reason why we haven’t downsized is because of how large my extended family is and how often I’m the host.
    I’ve also vowed any place I buy will always have space for my children.
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  • HoggirlHoggirl 1716 replies197 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    edited July 19
    @gardenstategal - I shouldn’t have let the decorator and husband gang up on me about the sleeper sofa. Decorator did not like the aesthetic of a Murphy bed, which was what I wanted. However, we have to have the space available to use for other things when we do not have guests. I exercise, practice music, etc in that room. I will say, the sleeper sofa was very expensive, is new-fangled, and has no bar in it. Mil knows that is what we have to offer. She slept on it last year during her TG visit. She can always opt to make other arrangements if it doesn’t meet her needs. In addition to the 11 sets of company who have stayed with us over the last 16 months, we have had two other sets of visitors who opted NOT to stay with us because all we have is a sleeper sofa. I totally get that, and it doesn’t hurt my feelings if some choose to stay elsewhere. She would never pay to stay elsewhere. Dh won’t offer to pay for her to say elsewhere as he fears this would hurt her feelings. Sleeper sofa it is - take it or leave it.

    @eyemamom - It took me awhile to get on board with the major downsize. However, dh did not want to maintain a bunch of space we use at most twice a year. We don’t have a large family. Thus far, our downsize has been only an issue once a year.
    edited July 19
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  • sevmomsevmom 8396 replies55 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Since your MIL knows what you have to offer (a sleeper sofa that she has slept on) and still wants to stay with you, might say something about your hospitality . As a widow, she may just want time with family at the holiday. It is great that you are willing to include her, despite wanting more individual time with your son. Perhaps you can carve out some time just with him (an outing, lunch, etc.) Good luck with figuring this out. In law /family stuff certainly can get interesting!
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  • oregon101oregon101 5505 replies136 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    edited July 19
    You are doing the right thing putting your MIL first for the sleeper.
    I don't agree with your H (mine has said similar things, his reasoning being that to discuss anything that could hurt his mother is not ok with him).
    Your son sounds close enough that he will tell you if he feels displaced.
    For my very own self, not H, I have vowed to never ever stay with anyone again if I can afford not to. I agree the late night chats are at risk and that is sad. I just need alone time (always have). As far as folks staying here I am great for 4 nights. Then I need them to go to the beach or mountain for 1-2 nights and then come back. I love hosting and especially feeding guests. I have finally! learned my personal limits. I could not survive even the best person staying with me "as long as they want". I could try but would fail.
    edited July 19
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  • HoggirlHoggirl 1716 replies197 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    @sevmom - thank you. We will get some individual time with ds in between Christmas and New Year’s. We’ll be with mil, sil, her family, extended family on Christmas, but then the three of us will return to the area of our prior state where ds was raised. We’ll just have to wait until then for our nuclear family time.
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  • Nrdsb4Nrdsb4 16947 replies159 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Unless it's mandated by finances, I am just not enthusiastic about such major downsizing. I like my space and also like to have room for guests, which we still have, much more often than once or twice a year.

    To each his own though. I"m sure it's liberating to not have so much maintenance, but I'm still young enough that I either don't mind doing it, or I hire others to do things which I can't or don't like to do.

    Maybe I'll feel differently some day. But I still think my future dream house is a spacious one story with a couple of bedrooms for guests, all with ensuite bathrooms, in a configuration that can be shut down from an AC/Heat perspective when not in use (well, not shut down totally, but turned up or down enough to save on utilities). I will never want to live in less than 2000 feet. I love DH, but I'm an introvert and need space of my own.
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  • oldfortoldfort 22956 replies290 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I also thought maybe I can downsize to a one bedroom because I am by myself now, but I do enjoy the extra bedroom/bath and it gives me an option to have people stay over if necessary. I only stay with people who wouldn't mind me going off to my room early to have some quiet time.
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  • eyemamomeyemamom 5428 replies79 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I hope if I’m ever in mil shoes my kids aren’t dreading my arrival. Right now I’m so overwhelmed with an endless parade of company I’m having a hard time feeling gracious. I had a dream last night my neediest sister called to tell me she was coming. My birthday is next weekend and we’re going to our mountain house location, but staying at the resort. I can’t wait to have a few days to myself.
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