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My daughter moved in 3 days ago and is now freaking out, am i handling this the right way?

RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
SO my daughter decided she wanted to go to college 3 hours away. She is an only child but had always said as long as I can remember that she wanted to go away to school. She is a very smart child, great student, received great scholarships and is a hard worker in school and out. Overall good kid but reality is hitting her hard right now and she is freaking out. She had a bad start as her roommate literally lasted less than 24 hrs and now she feels alone in her room, her suite mates aren't clicking with her, she's regretting her decision and has called me a few times now and is an emotional wreck!! We have put so much time, energy and preparation into this that I just can't tell her to give up even though I have given her several options to choose from and I've suggested clubs, social events etc but she has a negative outlook on anything I suggest!!
Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated as I am a complete mess with this situation!
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Replies to: My daughter moved in 3 days ago and is now freaking out, am i handling this the right way?

  • Groundwork2022Groundwork2022 2233 replies38 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Don't let her give up so quickly!! Ask her to visit the school's advisors or whatever other resources are offered. It is a HUGE adjustment. It can take weeks or even a few months for everything to click. Your advice to her about clubs and social events is right on, and hopefully it will sink in to her soon. Reassure her that you know that, while it is a difficult adjustment, you think she can handle this, that she shouldn't give up too easily. This is part of life, and it does go smoother for some than others, but we all get there sooner or later, right?
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  • cptofthehousecptofthehouse 29422 replies58 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    It happens a lot. Not mine. They never looked back. But I saw a lot of bawling, clinging, red eyed women there at the schools. Most of the time it works out over time.
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    Thanks so much blossom, it really helps hearing from someone else that what you've been thinking is ok. I appreciate the feedback!
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  • momofsenior1momofsenior1 7267 replies56 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Everything that Blossom said!
    The transition can be hard for many many students. Your D is not alone but she needs to find her people, which takes time.
    I would also back off from calls where she is able to wallow and ruminate. She needs to get out of her comfort zone and go to the lounge, join clubs, etc.... The message should be "it takes time and you've got this!".

    I will also add, do not go visit and do not let her come home for at least a few weeks.
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  • momofsenior1momofsenior1 7267 replies56 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Don't think I can post the link but google "Cornell freshman's video on loneliness of college".
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    Thanks to all of you for the advice. I have pretty much told her all of the above but she of course doesn't want to reason right now andt thinks she's the only one to ever go thru this. She also has brought up possibly needing anxiety meds but we'll make that a last resort hopefully. But yes, I know I need to leave the phone alone. She has everything she needs there...food , water, bed and bath so it's not like she's thrown out into the wild! Hopefully this too shall pass! momofsenior1, I will def check out that video! Thanks to all! It's been a tough few days!
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    Thanks again blossom, def makes me feel better and hopefully her too eventually. Hopefully she'll get a new roommate after the 2 week freeze that will click with her.
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  • TS0104TS0104 890 replies26 threadsRegistered User Member
    edited August 27
    Agree 100% with Blossom. The fact that your D doesn't have a roommate right now actually gives her more privacy to call you...she wouldn't be doing that if someone was in the room! So try to limit that phone time. ( I know my D was using me as a "crutch" to walk to class...she would call me so that she wouldn't have to smile or say hi to people.) Also, it sounds a little bit like a pattern..D vents, you give solutions, she turns them all down...so just break the cycle by changing your responses and being less available. She could invite the suitemates over if they ever need a little space, since she has some now. Hang in there !
    edited August 27
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    Thank you TSO104. Just had short texts yesterday initiated by her and no phone call. She did tell me she talked to a girl who had gone thru the same roommate experience her freshmen year so I was glad to hear that. Her classes start this morning so I hope that will help. Right now her thing is she can't eat. I tried to explain it's just nerves but nope, she has the attitude of she's the only person that this has ever happened to...please keep us in your prayers!!
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  • RiversiderRiversider 844 replies101 threadsRegistered User Member
    Don’t worry. More than likely its going to get resolved on its own. Give her time and positive support.
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    Thanks Riversider! Trying to stay positive!
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  • RiversiderRiversider 844 replies101 threadsRegistered User Member
    edited August 28
    It’s tough when your baby is trying to make it on her own but you gotta be strong for her.
    edited August 28
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  • MaineLonghornMaineLonghorn 38435 replies2105 threadsSuper Moderator Super Moderator
    My daughter, a college senior, has been diagnosed with anxiety. But even with her, a week after she's mentioned some crisis and I ask her about it, she always replies, "Oh, it turned out fine." I've finally learned not to stress out when she calls to vent.
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  • RayB78RayB78 17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    Thanks MaineLonghorn! I'm so glad I found this forum! Has eased my mind a lot!
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  • NJWrestlingmomNJWrestlingmom 1228 replies2 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I feel for you! S17 had a smooth transition, but I remember his best friend’s mom calling me in tears. He was miserable! He’s in Boston - it was hot, too loud, roommate wasn’t clicking. She would wake up in the morning to 3am texts asking to come home!! Fast forward 2 years....he didn’t even come home this summer! Loves it, great friends with roommate from freshman year. Sometimes it takes awhile!! Hang in there! Sounds like she’s already adjusting!
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  • NorthernMom61NorthernMom61 4179 replies30 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Read @Lindagaf's pinned thread above. Maybe even PM her. Her daughter went through this type of thing big first term. She had a thread about it and some of the ideas there might also be helpful. You are not alone. Neither is your daughter. But, hearing your daughter in pain and panic is painful.
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