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please grade my essay

simonchandlersimonchandler Registered User Posts: 6 New Member
edited June 2006 in SAT Preparation
The saying "No pain, no gain underscores the idea that progress is not possible without sacrifice. From our world around us and through the recent advances in history, we can see that every example of progress came with a price tag named sacrifice.

The twentieth century was an era of many inventions and advancements. However, these did not come freely to humanity. A famous author once said, "I often think there is a man behind the counter who controls our progress. When we make progress, we are forced to return something back to this man. For example, you may have airplanes to help you move faster, but the birds will lose their wonder, and your skies will smell of gasoline." It is evident that although the airplane was a huge leap forward in terms of human progress, we were forced to sacrifice much to obtain it.

Another example of sacrifice linked with progress can be seen clearly in the school system - a system that encourages students to succeed. However, for this progress to be made, students must sacrifice much time and effort into reviewing notes, studying for tests, etc. The end result of this sacrifice is, unsurprisingly, progress. Each year, thousands of high school students graduate, with many moving on into college and successful careers. Contrasting this with the student who refuses to sacrifice effort, drops out of school, and subsequently working at minimum wage for the rest of his/her life, we see again how sacrifice is essential for progress.

All around us, we see examples of progress - proud high school graduates, airplanes in the sky, etc. However, it is important to note that without signifant sacrifice, these examples of progress would never have occured.

its 287 words, i know its short, but I have trouble with length in 25 minutes. Thanks.
Post edited by simonchandler on

Replies to: please grade my essay

  • backfirebackfire Registered User Posts: 1,155 Senior Member
    hmmm not very organized and doesnt make a clear point. 7
  • thecomisarthecomisar Registered User Posts: 2,125 Senior Member
    "Contrasting this with the student who refuses to sacrifice effort, drops out of school, and subsequently working at minimum wage"

    Works, not working.

    I suck at grading essays... but 8? I don't know.
  • FutureUSAFApilotFutureUSAFApilot . Posts: 342 Member
    solid 8........
  • miss independentmiss independent Registered User Posts: 409 Member
    I don't really know how to grade these things so I won't try but...

    I think your first arguement was better written but the second, about education, proved your point more. You showed that by sacrificing something progress is made, and it was essential for that to happen. In the first you stated that sacrifices were made, but I think it leaves the reader with a sort of, "ok, who cares?" attitude because you didn't really say much aside from using the quote to support it. Yes, birds lost their wonder...and... you know?

    I like the price tag kind of metaphor you used in your opening, I think that was well written. I usually tend to write a long introduction, assuming if that's well written and they have to read it quickly, they get a good feel for the essay, but I know some people advice you to get right to the point and prove it in your body paragraphs.
This discussion has been closed.