I hope this isn't an inappropriate place to post satire, but receiving a Nigerian scam letter gave me inspiration to vent my frustrations.
Dear anxious high school senior:
Warmest salutations to you as you proceed through your college application journey. You probably have been waiting for a letter like this for a long time -- well, here is our decision. As you may know, our institution
receives many extremely well-qualified application requests
, and we unfortunately we do not have room to accommodate every applicant
. It is with our deepest regret that we inform you that we are unable to accept this state of affairs without first moving some money around. Factors for this decision included the hardworking
nature of our subordinates, the sheer size of our President's gold-plated pool, and the presence of certain rivals
We are sorry that we did not have the pleasure of knowing your inclination earlier, but this offer is urgent and confidential by virtue of its nature. We are writing to implore your assistance in a transfer of 2,850,000,000,000,000,000,000 x 10^29 SOCKs (soft currency kroners ; STILL A HECK A LOT OF MONEY AND NO NON-CENTS) into any account of your choice. These funds are in excess of our official "profit" for the last fiscal year, and we do not wish to be directly connected to this money.
We know you are a student faced with rather dire financial circumstances and the possibility that any award will be far from sufficient, given that though your family has had no real income from 2004 to 2007, your single mother's recent acquisition of a fairly decent position at some Naval shipyard deceivingly makes your family look middle class, though nearly all of the income is being siphoned by angry creditors. Furthermore, we know schools are being rather insensitive about their continued demands for a non-custodial report from your father, even though the family courts have prohibited any unsupervised interaction between him and you. Thus we hope you will not turn us down on our offer. We are prepared offer 5% commission for this transaction; after adjusting for currency conversion, this translates to approximately $160,000. Conveniently, we realise this covers your tuition for whatever dreadfully costly institution you get into for the next four years. Please do not unwisely seek the services of a loanshark as an alternative. We are even prepared to offer a second assignment
for your living costs!
If you are interested, please provide your bank account number, social security number, CSS ID and your soul to the contact address listed below.
We appreciate your timely response.
Plurally signed in the Royal We,
Ministry of Interior for Sumisland
Comrade of Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro
Former professor, School of the Americas