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Essay (be brutally honest)

myoliewufan1995myoliewufan1995 Registered User Posts: 209 Junior Member
edited November 2012 in High School Life
So I rewrote my synthesis essay for AP Lang. Followed teacher's feedbacks and added some things to it. I also kind of copied (in my own wording) some of the things from my classmates such as the scenario in the beginning. The result, as I read it to myself, sounds more like a news article rather than a synthesis essay. So I really need you to be honest and be brutal with me so that I can get better at writing. And yes I know I have bad grammar

Imagine your child in a cold dark basement, glaring at his computer screen, never seeing the light of the day. You call him out for dinner. But he continues to stare into the screen. He forgets everything--his families, his friends, his life--because he is sucked into his own virtual world--a world in which his only goal is to slay dragons and raise to the next level.

Your child is one of many other children who are, according to nationalhealth.gov, "enticed by latest fad in the twentyfirst century"--video games. What makes this new source of entertainment so attracting? With it's compatibility to Television, computers, and hand held devices, videos games are becoming increasingly available to children at any time. "Children are playing it at home, at a doctor's appointment, and even at school!" says Cindy Walters, a mom of three boys age 5 and 8. Worried about her son's future, the concern mom adds, "it is interfering with their academics. They barely have time to care about homework anymore."
Having been a child once, I can truthfully testify to the evils of playing video games. Rushing home from school, I would throw all my homework aside, never giving it a moment's glance. I logged onto MapleStory, a fun virtual game where one can fight creatures, buy weapons, and compete with players from all around the world. I was completely mesmerized by my computer screen. As if the dancing characters on my screen were more than just pixels. I had become a mindless zombie isolated from the rest of the world. At school, I lost friendships and my teacher's admiration. At home, I ignored my family, shutting them all out from my life.

The drawbacks of playing video games are not only a social problem. We also see the effects of video games in a child's deteriorating health. "I start getting severe headaches and eye strain" ,states Raymond, a sophomore in high school, "if I wanted to see again, I had to get glasses". Raymond is an intelligent young man with a 4.0 GPA and plays sports at Central High School. But ever since his parents bought him Call Of Duty:Black Ops last Christmas, his vision started blurring. Having blurry vision was a big hassle for him. He could not see when copying down notes and homework assignments. Similarly, he could not shoot a basketball with as much accuracy and swiftness as before.

Video games are like a drug. Once you take a hit, you're immediately hooked. Likewise,the consequences of video games are far from harmless. And you, as a figure your child looks up to; as a guardian who cares for the well being of your child; as a parent and also as a teacher, shouldn't YOU do something about your child's addiction?

Have a nice day
Post edited by myoliewufan1995 on

Replies to: Essay (be brutally honest)

  • myoliewufan1995myoliewufan1995 Registered User Posts: 209 Junior Member
    Edit: btw the names are fake and the website is fake too. Everything on this essay is made up lol

    Have a nice day
  • WeekndWeeknd Registered User Posts: 998 Member
    I'm not in AP Lang so i'm not sure about the whole essay and if it has issues but in the conclusion you say "hit" which is used in a way that is slang and a ap reader or your teacher will have no idea what it means.
  • CE527MCE527M Registered User Posts: 4,989 Senior Member
    Yes, it really sounds like something you`d read in a newspaper. Which I don`t think an AP Lang teacher would like...but I wouldn`t know.
  • WiseGuyWiseGuy Registered User Posts: 346 Member
    I like the content in the intro a lot -- it is a good technique to start with some extreme situation like that.

    You may wish to improve organization by circling back to that to idea at the end. Also, try to look at the general content you have at the moment. You pose a question in the second paragraph ("What makes this new source of entertainment so attracting?") but never fully answer it. I would also expand a little more in each paragraph, and be sure you have references to the sources of these documents.

    Hope that helps!
  • halcyonheatherhalcyonheather Registered User Posts: 8,987 Senior Member
    My teacher wouldn't like the use of first/second person or rhetorical questions.
    There are some grammar/spelling mistakes, too, but you could get someone to proofread.
  • myoliewufan1995myoliewufan1995 Registered User Posts: 209 Junior Member
    Thanks ppl and wise guy I will try to improve

    Have a nice day
  • Niquii77Niquii77 Registered User Posts: 10,104 Senior Member
    Hahah I got a good laugh at Raymond and his disappearing eyesight. "If I wanted to see again, I had to get glasses."
  • MutaRiSCMutaRiSC Registered User Posts: 1,248 Senior Member
    How can Cindy Walters have three boys aged 5 and 8?
  • preamble1776preamble1776 Registered User Posts: 4,731 Senior Member
    My AP English teacher would have heart palpitations if he read second person in a synthesis essay. Or any essay. He told us that we can basically do anything we want in an essay, even cuss, so long as we did it in a meaningful and skilled manner - but NEVER second person. Second person has a tendency to sound like you're lecturing your audience.
  • WeekndWeeknd Registered User Posts: 998 Member
    ^ oh yeah, i was going to say that as thats what i was told for my AICE General Paper class (10th grade) but i wasn't sure if in this "synthesis" essay this was allowed. My teacher says to always use 3rd person unless the prompt specifically states YOU in it.
  • goodnoodlegoodnoodle Registered User Posts: 1,532 Senior Member
    It really sounds like an article or something that'd be used as a reading comprehension passage.
This discussion has been closed.