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IgloooIglooo Registered User Posts: 7,614 Senior Member
edited February 7 in Parent Cafe
How do you/your kids approach the date site? Specifically how do you filter out potential dates? Can you limit the location, vocation, age group, etc?
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Replies to: ok cupid

  • JHSJHS Registered User Posts: 17,585 Senior Member
    I think yes to all of those.

    My daughter met her absolutely wonderful fiance via OK Cupid. They are exactly the same age, very similar interests and educational background, lived (at the time) near different stops on a single subway line in the same Borough of New York City. I have always assumed all of that was part of the screening, or at least close to part of it. (E.g., Brooklyn was probably part of the screening, G-line was probably luck.)

    Now, she never told me how many frogs she found online before a prince showed up (or, for that matter, how many other princes there may have been that didn't work out for one or another reason). But it couldn't have been that many, because she was working full time AND going to graduate school with a full-time load at the same time. She had very little time for dating. I was pretty impressed with OK Cupid.
  • IgloooIglooo Registered User Posts: 7,614 Senior Member
    How do you filter it out? Are there options that click or do you specify it on your profile? Any apps to screen out frogs?
  • Classof2015Classof2015 Registered User Posts: 4,313 Senior Member
    edited February 7
    I found my second husband on Match. Friends told me their filtering system which I pretty much adopted: if they don't post a photo, don't respond (probably married); only respond to emails (not "winks" or "favorites"); if you "get along" via email, set up a phone call; if the phone call goes well; set up a date. I don't know if this would work for someone in their 20s who is used to communicating via text.
  • momsquadmomsquad Registered User Posts: 1,042 Senior Member
    It’s simple to create a dummy account to better understand the process. Just upload a blank image for profile photo so everyone knows it’s a dummy account, vs “catfishing “ where people upload someone else’s photo to lure in suitors. SNL had a funny skit about this last week. I checked it out because my daughter has begun using it and I was worried who she might encounter. She’s a bit fragile after a rough year so I was being overly protective perhaps.

    People fill out a few basic questions about political leanings, smoking, debt, messiness, alcohol and drug use, religion and then set age and distance parameters. At this point they can look at “matches” with others who answered questions and the profiles are shown in order of decreasing percentage compatibility. Periodically it’s possible to answer many more detailed questions to fine tune the matches. Unlike Tinder, people can message each other independent of whether they have liked each other’s profile, however only the mutual likes result in a notification.

    My brief test of the app indicates that some men are VERY indiscriminate, as my blank profile with no information received hundreds of “likes” and many messages within a few days. My daughter has enjoyed messaging a few people but hasn’t pursued a meet-up yet. Considering that each person is probably messaging 5 or more others it complicates the natural progression of dating, which ideally involves a single suitor. It feels too much like shopping to me, but clearly has become the best way for people to find a partner.

    NPR has been featuring stories about online dating and one expert advocated sites like Tinder over OK Cupid. He felt that meeting the most number of people was important vs doing too much pre-selection. Sometimes compatibility can’t be predicted by with algorithms. I’m curious how compatible my husband and I would appear on OK Cupid, low percentage I suspect!
  • HannaHanna Registered User Posts: 14,529 Senior Member
    "meeting the most number of people was important vs doing too much pre-selection"

    This is generally true. If you have niche needs -- like you need to find a spouse who shares your commitment to Beanite Quakerism -- screen for that.
  • HImomHImom Registered User Posts: 31,003 Senior Member
    My relative met her BF on Tinder. They were a happily dating couple for over 1.5 years, so it was definitely NOT a hook up or one-night-stand relationship.
  • deb922deb922 Registered User Posts: 5,042 Senior Member
    My D met her absolutely wonderful (to borrow from @JHS) boyfriend on bumble.

    She had tried tinder briefly before but stuck with bumble this time. For her, it was work. She matched and talked with a number of men. Had dates with a few, more than 5, probably less than 10. She was picky about who she met. Some were fine, none she met were terrible. But it was work, talking to a number of people and setting up dates with those she wanted to meet. Because of course it’s easy for some people, D was the first and only girl her bf met.

    Things she looked for, a real profile. Not just a picture with little information. No mirror selfies. No half naked mirror selfies, lol! If she was talking to him and he sent a mirror selfie, stop talking to him. (It apparently happens a lot). Someone who made an effort to contact her and set up a real date. Meaning something not free, and he was willing to come to her town. She matched with people who would live up to an hour away.

    And no hook up. No inappropriate language. Anything not above board, was deleted.

    I heard that 1/3 of people today meet their SO through dating apps and the like.
  • IgloooIglooo Registered User Posts: 7,614 Senior Member
    edited February 7
    If you have niche needs -- like you need to find a spouse who shares your commitment to Beanite Quakerism -- screen for that.

    How do you screen for your need? Is there a sorting option?

    What is a mirror selfie?
  • HImomHImom Registered User Posts: 31,003 Senior Member
    I'm naïve--what's bad about a mirror selfie? It looks like most other selfies to me. Please clarify.
  • deb922deb922 Registered User Posts: 5,042 Senior Member
    Haha, a mirror selfie is a guy or girl who takes a picture of themselves in the mirror. Looking sexy or without shirt showing off his muscles. They can do other things or show off an outfit, but that’s basically what D wasn’t looking for.

    I know my daughter had preferences on what she was looking for on bumble. But she was matched to people who didn’t match what she was looking for. The biggest was location. She wanted to meet someone in her town but was matched to people up to an hour away.

    Funny thing is that when D was on tinder, she was matched with bf, I think they talked briefly but never met, she called him her tinder crush. D started dating someone else that she met on her own. But when she matched to her now bf, she called me all excited, “mom, I just got matched to my tinder crush”. It was so fortunate that they didn’t meet then because she wasn’t ready for a relationship then but a year later she was. They had never met before but they hung out in some of the same places and his sister literally lived around the block from her. Strange how things work out.

  • JHSJHS Registered User Posts: 17,585 Senior Member
    As I understand it, there isn't anything about Tinder that discourages people who are seeking a serious relationship from using it (or that discourage people not seeking a serious relationship from finding one anyway). It has the most number of people in its pool, and does the least screening for you. So it's the best place to go to identify the largest number of potential targets that you have to whittle down yourself through contact with them.

    As @deb922 observed, any of these programs require real work on the part of the people involved to get from identifying a potential whatever to actually meeting that person, and then to deciding whether to pursue whatever relationship is desired further. You could make it your full-time job, but most people can't devote all or most of their waking hours to arranging dates and dating. My daughter told me that, too -- the online services and apps make it really easy to identify people to meet, but they don't make it any easier to actually meet the people and to get to know them. As with pre-internet relationships, it takes some real commitment of time to do that.

    And it's certainly the case that the more screening you let the software do for you, the less likely it is you will find someone whose superficial qualities and interests are not what you imagined your partner's might be, but who turns out to be perfect for you. Many of us (me!) have partners like that. Of course, back in pre-history we met and became friends because we actually did have lots of important things in common. But we also had some serious differences, and neither of us would have told a computer program to sort for anyone like each other.
  • HImomHImom Registered User Posts: 31,003 Senior Member
    I think S met his current GF online, but am not sure which app. They've now been dating about a year and I'm not sure they would have ever met without the computer. We will see if/how things progress with them, but they're both happy and that's what's important. We like her but have only met her once.
  • runnersmomrunnersmom Registered User Posts: 1,932 Senior Member
    My S met his GF of a year on Bumble and my D met her last boyfriend (they were together for about 10 months before they broke up) on another dating app. I know she's "back in the game" now, and using Bumble and, I think, OK Cupid. Other than at work, I think meeting people these days is really hard, especially in a big city. My H has been skeptical, but so far the site filters and my kids' personal filters seem to have worked. Not every meeting is successful, but nothing seems to have been horrible.
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