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Eloping -- would you care?

Youdon'tsayYoudon'tsay 19249 replies459 threads Senior Member
DS1 is in a serious relationship of about a year. She relocated with him for grad school, and when he is done he expects to relocate for her for law school. I was with him this weekend, and he told me that when they marry they plan to elope. Now, he knows that I am not about a big church wedding (despite the other thread I just started about my niece!) so "eloping" truly doesn't bother me at all. But then I started thinking ... while I don't care that there isn't a big church wedding, part of me wants to be at the courthouse or the mountaintop or wherever. We have a close family so it's not like he thinks there would be fireworks or anything uncomfortable at the ceremony.

So my question is ... do I tell him that? Also, just curious whether y'all would care.
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Replies to: Eloping -- would you care?

  • TatinGTatinG 6472 replies114 threads Senior Member
    edited October 16
    Yes. You should tell him and yes, I would care if my son eloped. In fact, I did tell my son's girlfriend this just this weekend. We were at a wedding and talking about weddings and I said that I was afraid that someday she and my son would run off to Las Vegas and get married and tell us about it later. She then told me that they were going to be there on Valentine's Day and she saw the look on my face! But she assured me that they would not do that. So I am relieved.
    It was a pleasant, semi-joking, semi-serious sort of conversation. No hard feelings nor did she think I was butting in. I think her parents would also feel left out and cheated of a major life experience if they eloped to Vegas.
    edited October 16
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  • deb922deb922 5697 replies191 threads Senior Member
    I’ve told my D, who is the one not married, that I don’t care what kind of wedding she has, but that I want to be there.

    It’s your kid, yes I would tell him. How is supposed to know if you don’t say how you feel? He can whatever you want but deserves to know how his parents feel
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  • gosmomgosmom 1924 replies56 threads Senior Member
    I'd be crushed if I was not able to see my kids get married.

    I totally understand if they did not want big wedding. But a marriage is not only about two committing to each other, but it is also a merging of families/welcoming one into our family. And this Mom dreamed of seeing my kids marry since they were in diapers. Courthouse, Vegas, beach...don't care where ....just want to witness.

    Yeah, I'd be crushed.....
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  • abasketabasket 19517 replies868 threads Senior Member
    As close as our family is - our immediate family - I can't imagine that any of our three would want to elope. Small, yes. I would share your feelings. It doesn't have to be an "invite me or else" conversation but let them know you desire to be able to witness the occasion - even if it's a courthouse ceremony.
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  • Youdon'tsayYoudon'tsay 19249 replies459 threads Senior Member
    The issue came up because his cousin got married two weeks ago in a park (from the looks of the pictures), and his mom and dad weren't happy there wasn't a big church wedding. None of us was invited, which is fine with me. They'd been engaged for a while, and we learned about the wedding when my SIL texted the extended family pics. And another of ds's friends got married a couple of months ago on a mountaintop to his longtime gf with the only two witnesses being the bff who got ordained to do the wedding and his gf. That mom, I'm told, also was not happy.

    I don't think it's imminent. I think this was a bit of a trial balloon to see my reaction. We actually talked about a lot of things in that conversation so I was a bit on my heels processing it all. But now that I'm home I've had time to think about it. The kids were asking about how dh and I got together and the gf was taken aback that we were engaged after only eight months. I don't think she's quite there. lol But, clearly, they are planning their lives around each other. :)
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  • bajammbajamm 1660 replies19 threads Senior Member
    I always agree with open communication so if something is important to you then let the other person know!

    Having said that, it would not bother me if either of my kids eloped. My D did get married last year. When I knew they were getting serious I told her that I did not care if they eloped, that I just wanted the respect of being told about it before it was posted on social media. I have heard of people finding out about their kids weddings by seeing it on FB and I did not want to be that person. I do not care how it happens as long as I know about it before the rest of the world knows.

    And, fwiw, my d had a very small wedding, about 20 in attendance including her parents, his parents, all siblings, a few (but not all) aunts/uncles, one set of grandparents, a couple of friends, the musicians and photographer.
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  • HouseChatteHouseChatte 749 replies1 threads Member
    edited October 16
    DS2 and DIL had a city hall wedding and invited both sets of parents and DS1 (the only sibling on either side).

    When he started talking particulars with me, I told him we wanted to support them with whatever they wanted -- we'd love to be there, or we'd love for them to have the them-only ceremony they chose. They're very quiet, and having those of us who were there felt like a crowd to them!

    ETA to qualify that we'd felt a nice relationship with DIL by then. The context of their decision was that of an already-existing loving and cordial climate with us.
    edited October 16
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  • MaineLonghornMaineLonghorn 38767 replies2127 threads Super Moderator
    I told my kids they should elope.
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  • TatinGTatinG 6472 replies114 threads Senior Member
    To be clear, I don't care if my son goes for the big, elaborate wedding. I just want to be there. If it's a wedding chapel in Vegas with just parents and siblings, that would be fine with me. But I want to be there.
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  • cshell2cshell2 660 replies8 threads Member
    edited October 16
    It would not bother me one bit, but I'm not big on ceremonies...even small ones.

    Since it does bother you, then yes, I think you should tell them, but then be done with it. If they decide to elope anyhow let it go. My ex-MIL to this day still brings up her older son eloping and he's been married for 30 years now!

    (btw, I had a big church wedding with her younger son and we only lasted a few years so....)
    edited October 16
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  • Youdon'tsayYoudon'tsay 19249 replies459 threads Senior Member
    @cshell2 , to be clear, I absolutely don't care that they wouldn't have a big wedding. I think I care that I be at whatever small thing they have.

    But now, I'm waffling about it. I like what @bajamm said ... I don't want to find out on social media! Maybe that's what's bothering me ... that I don't want to find out via text with everyone else. Maybe I don't need to be there, but I want a heads up at least.
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  • ChedvaChedva 18875 replies11658 threads Super Moderator
    My D already knows that I want to be there - we would watch Say Yes to the Dress together when she was in HS and it would come up in conversation. I'm in the same boat as many of you. I don't care if it's just parents, or if it's 250 people, I want to be there. I've been there for her other major milestones, and I want to be there for that one, too.
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  • cshell2cshell2 660 replies8 threads Member
    edited October 16
    I think requesting to at least be the first to know is reasonable. You're right, it's not something you should find out about on social media. I would let him know that you would be really hurt if that were to happen. It could be that he's just not thinking of things like that. I know sometimes I point stuff out to my son that seems obvious to me, but he genuinely never considered.
    edited October 16
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  • kjofkwkjofkw 779 replies93 threads Member
    I'm not set on a church wedding for my children. But I do think it adds meaning to share it with your community (whomever your community consists of), with some type of ceremony or gathering. Today, with such mobile societies, we're losing the sense of community, or at least one with a history. They change as our lives change. I think that's sad.
    I also think the enormous wedding expenses are a total waste.
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  • Leigh22Leigh22 684 replies9 threads Member
    I eloped almost 20 years ago. We got married then went on our planned vacation. The mistake? We mailed postcards announcing the nuptials and mailed them all at the same time. Needless to say my mom didn’t get hers first and got a call from my SIL. She tried to make a big stink about it but my dad told her to “get over it”. No regrets!
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  • cinnamon1212cinnamon1212 513 replies6 threads Member
    My brother eloped, and my parents were very hurt.

    Obviously each couple is different and I'm sure people can elope and have happy marriages and good family relationships. In my sister in law's case, however, it was a harbinger of her terrible relationships with family, both her own and my brother's. And the marriage ended very bitterly in divorce years later.

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