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She got engaged?!

toomanyteenstoomanyteens 1168 replies70 threads Senior Member
My 19 year old sophomore in college (well to be fair she is about to become a junior with one more final) got engaged to her boyfriend who is going into the Marines apparently in a week -- I say apparently because it has been postponed 3 times already.

She is a nursing student and is doing very well academically. I have so many concerns about being engaged and so tied down already and I do believe she may live to regret what she lost in her last two years of college.

Thankfully (and I hope she means it) she SWEARS she is finishing her BSN despite this engagement. I voiced my concerns and told her I am here to support her even if I don't think the decision to be engaged right now is in her best interest.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart -- the two of them are both 19 good glory! Can anyone talk me down from the ledge here?
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Replies to: She got engaged?!

  • toomanyteenstoomanyteens 1168 replies70 threads Senior Member
    ACK - I want her to finish her BSN, she is doing SO WELL! She is a kid for goodness sake. I am glad it worked out for you though.
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  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus 83458 replies741 threads Senior Member
    It seems like you fear that she will drop out of school because of the engagement or marriage, rather than complete her BSN before joining her SO or spouse wherever he is stationed? Obviously, with a BSN, she would have an easier time finding a job wherever that is...
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  • SybyllaSybylla 4932 replies59 threads Senior Member
    I would ignore it, the only way it gains traction is if you behave as if it has value. State once how you feel and leave it at that. I would caution her against getting married though, just because this BF is joining up, this smells of this more being the BFs idea than hers. Does she come from a military family?
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  • SybyllaSybylla 4932 replies59 threads Senior Member
    Because at 19, getting engaged is just another instragrammable moment. Unless they are in Utah.
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  • happymomof1happymomof1 30768 replies197 threads Senior Member
    My ex-Marine nephew was engaged before boot camp, and married in his full dress uniform after boot camp. He would be more than happy to tell you that the best move he ever made was picking the wife he has. So try to trust this young man's judgment about your daughter's character. She plans to finish her education, that is what matters. The only risk I see here is that she'd get bored with her fiance/spouse on deployment, and decide to enlist herself as my niece-in-law did.
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  • momofsenior1momofsenior1 10203 replies119 threads Senior Member
    Mine D is the same the age. I agree that I wouldn't be thrilled if she got engage now. Also agree that you don't want to drive a wedge in your relationship, especially since she's committed to finishing her degree. As long as she does that, she'll be ok no matter what.

    When are they talking about actually getting married? I would encourage her to have a long engagement and plan the wedding AFTER she graduates.

    FWIW, I was engaged at a year older than your D. We had a long engagement and delayed the wedding until after grad school. Happily married now for almost 27 years.
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  • cshell2cshell2 1093 replies11 threads Senior Member
    Sybylla wrote: »
    Because at 19, getting engaged is just another instragrammable moment. Unless they are in Utah.

    I don't know. I certainly know of 19 year olds getting married especially if one is headed off to the military. I don't think I'd completely blow it off, but going the other way and trying to forbid it probably not a great idea either.

    I think I'd just remind her how valuable a BSN is for a military spouse so she sticks with school.
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  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus 83458 replies741 threads Senior Member
    The only risk I see here is that she'd get bored with her fiance/spouse on deployment, and decide to enlist herself as my niece-in-law did.

    The military needs nurses. If she went into the military as a nurse, she may outrank her enlisted spouse. But then she and he may be assigned different locations.

    https://www.navy.com/careers/nursing
    https://nurse.org/resources/military-army-nurse/
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  • MaineLonghornMaineLonghorn 42067 replies2271 threads Super Moderator
    I got engaged at 19. Dumped at 20.
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  • ClassicMom98ClassicMom98 534 replies1 threads Member
    FWIW I got engaged just after I turned 20. I had just started my junior year of college. H had graduated the winter before I met him. He was finishing out his lease when we met spring of my sophomore year. We dated 6 weeks before he moved back home and we got engaged within 7 months.

    I was adamant that I finish my degree, and we set the date in June after my expected graduated date. I don’t recall anyone being negative about our situation. Everything turned out fine. We will hit 26 years next month.

    I know it’s harder when it’s your kid. Older S is now older than when I got married. Looking back at it now, I guess I was a baby, but it didn’t feel that way. Breathe and be happy and supportive (assuming he’s a good guy). Good luck!!!
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  • Darcy123Darcy123 449 replies7 threads Member
    I met my husband at 19, were engaged at 20 (he had graduated, I was a junior) and just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary. I never dreamed I'd marry young - or really marry at all - but sometimes you actually do find your partner for life young. I think it's fine to discuss her plans for completing her degree, but I'd leave the whole you're too young to tie yourself down unsaid.
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  • 2plustrio2plustrio 362 replies7 threads Member
    I too got engaged in college (but yes I finished and we were married 6 years before having kids). I did divorce after many years together. We turned into different people and wanted different things in life.

    I understand the worry. I have the utmost respect for those in military but I dont want any of my kids to enter in and I would prefer they dont marry a fulltime enlisted military person either.

    Just continue to counsel her on her options in the future and try to make sure shes using her head and making decisions for the right reasons.
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  • myrna97myrna97 176 replies14 threads Junior Member
    I got engaged in college, married right after graduating with a BA, went back later for my BSN. We're still together after a couple of decades. One set of parents supported us and unfortunately one spent the next decade trying to break us up, until we cut them off. (I'm sure you wouldn't do that. And I'd be nervous, too, if it was my kid, especially a daughter.)

    I think the best thing to do is congratulate her, support them, make her feel comfortable in case she needs your help later - whether it works out or not. And do what you can to encourage her to finish her BSN so she can have an independent income.
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  • toomanyteenstoomanyteens 1168 replies70 threads Senior Member
    Sybylla wrote: »
    I would ignore it, the only way it gains traction is if you behave as if it has value. State once how you feel and leave it at that. I would caution her against getting married though, just because this BF is joining up, this smells of this more being the BFs idea than hers. Does she come from a military family?

    Agreed -- they are a family that all marry young. And mostly they are military or other jobs that don't require much education. And yes he proposed to her in front of everyone! I did state once how I felt, and I am now trying hard to leave it at that.
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  • toomanyteenstoomanyteens 1168 replies70 threads Senior Member
    Mine D is the same the age. I agree that I wouldn't be thrilled if she got engage now. Also agree that you don't want to drive a wedge in your relationship, especially since she's committed to finishing her degree. As long as she does that, she'll be ok no matter what.

    When are they talking about actually getting married? I would encourage her to have a long engagement and plan the wedding AFTER she graduates.

    FWIW, I was engaged at a year older than your D. We had a long engagement and delayed the wedding until after grad school. Happily married now for almost 27 years.

    She is saying there is no immediate plan to marry - but she is super smart and yet somehow super stubborn and has made some oddly bonehead decisions in a stubborn moment in the past.
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  • toomanyteenstoomanyteens 1168 replies70 threads Senior Member
    I got engaged at 19. Dumped at 20.

    Awww -- believe me this boy won't dump her, his family sees her value as does he -- if anything she will do the dumping but for reasons I don't understand she seems to think this boy is the best thing and he is fairly unambitious. I am hoping the military changes that.
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  • toomanyteenstoomanyteens 1168 replies70 threads Senior Member
    myrna97 wrote: »
    I got engaged in college, married right after graduating with a BA, went back later for my BSN. We're still together after a couple of decades. One set of parents supported us and unfortunately one spent the next decade trying to break us up, until we cut them off. (I'm sure you wouldn't do that. And I'd be nervous, too, if it was my kid, especially a daughter.)

    I think the best thing to do is congratulate her, support them, make her feel comfortable in case she needs your help later - whether it works out or not. And do what you can to encourage her to finish her BSN so she can have an independent income.

    I did tell her clearly I am here to support here regardless if we have differences on what is the right decision for her and I do talk to her about finishing her BSN all the time and she does seem to want to do that.
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  • bopperbopper Forum Champion CWRU 14504 replies106 threads Forum Champion
    edited May 12
    Some thoughts:
    If she gets married then she and her husband are responsible for paying for college. She will be treated as independent.

    One of my friends at church had a son who joined the army...and really wanted to marry his girlfriend before he did. So they got married. Was it so that he could "hold on" to her? Get better housing? Get her benefits? So in luurrrve?
    It isn't going well. She moved to his base I think. They are very young (he joined right out of HS) and have a baby.

    I myself got engaged Senior year of college...but I didn't get married until i finished my masters degree. I didn't want to be married while going to school. I wanted to focus on my studies.

    Maybe you can request that she wait until she graduates until she gets married?

    Also I would tell her that as a military spouse who moves around a lot, a BSN would give her a job she coudl do anywhere.
    edited May 12
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