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How to handle son and GF sharing a room?

conmamaconmama 4966 replies350 threads Senior Member
edited May 27 in Parent Cafe
We are all products of our upbringing to some degree. My family of origin was very authoritarian patriarchal. My Dad was foreign and his word was basically law. I loved my parents and family and had no intention of going against most of his wishes, as I wanted his approval and to be in good graces. Many of his morals became mine, including living together before marriage. That would have never even crossed my mind to do.

My son and his GF left to go work and live in Texas. Neither DH and I approved, but never let them know that in word or deed. DH did question him about his GF’s parents (particularly her Dad), felt about it. He did pointedly say to S how he would feel if he had a daughter. Son knows in his heart we don’t probably really like it, but he’s always been one to ask forgiveness than permission type (and he’ll leave out the forgiveness part). (Side note: we were joking with the boys this weekend how we aren’t stupid, we knew they were sneaking booze when they had friends at the lake. Son said they knew we knew...just waiting to see if we’d say anything. )

So, back to my dilemma. They will be visiting at the lake over the 4th. My 2 boys share a loft. Guests in the bedrooms. It’s a very small place. I know my son. Without asking, as is his nature, he’ll just put them both on one of the guest rooms. Even though they live together, having it in my house bothers me....especially without asking if it’s ok.

DH doesn’t like the thought of it either, but doesn’t want any weird vibes at the cottage....he wants it to be a happy place. I agree with that. But how do I reconcile my feelings, or try to change them, to accommodate everyone else’s?

Am I so out of touch and old fashioned? Is it better just to go along for the sake of Being comfortable for them? Should I discuss sleeping arrangements with him before they even come? DH would say no, I’m making an issue of it.

This wouldn’t even be an issue if they weren’t living together. Maybe they’ll surprise me and go in separate rooms. I don’t know, I don’t know!
edited May 27
101 replies
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Replies to: How to handle son and GF sharing a room?

  • conmamaconmama 4966 replies350 threads Senior Member
    edited May 27
    Thanks @cinnamon1212 , they are working adults now. 26 and 23. She’s a very nice young lady and I really try to watch myself in never acting disapproving as she may be my DIL one day. I guess I just want my feelings respected, too. Just doing what they want in my home, without asking, bugs me.

    They never lived together in town, so it was never an issue that she had a guest room to herself.

    It also will feel weird for younger son, I think. She was his friend before older son and she ever met. He didn’t like it at first, but is used to it now. But I know him, he won’t like the arrangement in the cottage, but will brush it off as guy’s typically do.

    I guess I would just like to be asked. My answer would be it does bug me, but I won’t stop them.
    edited May 27
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  • SybyllaSybylla 4916 replies59 threads Senior Member
    edited May 27
    >>>>Am I so out of touch and old fashioned? <<<<<<<<

    Absolutely. Old adults need to grow up. I think we have done this before in another thread though 😁. He is 23 right? 23 is old.
    edited May 27
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  • conmamaconmama 4966 replies350 threads Senior Member
    They’d probably like their own queen beds for a couple nights, to be honest. Both have complained about theirs now that they live together (too small).

    He’s not one to put up a big fuss.
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  • NhatrangNhatrang 1327 replies1 threads Senior Member
    conmama wrote: »

    I guess I would just like to be asked. My answer would be it does bug me, but I won’t stop them.

    Looks like you don't need advice, you just want to vent and I get it. I guess you just have to find a way to make it bug you a little less? Don't let it consume your mind.

    I find myself constantly adapting/changing my way of thinking due to my upbringing (which isn't much anyway, I left home since i was 14). But some of the old ways (in my now view, they are mostly bad) still stay with me. And because they are mostly bad, I find it remarkably easy to get rid of the old tradition and embrace "the American way" and I find it so liberating. You can decide if not allowing your adult kid to stay in the same room with their partner is an out dated tradition or not - it may be easier to adjust your feelings (let it bother you a little less) if intellectually you think it's outdated (or not).


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  • conmamaconmama 4966 replies350 threads Senior Member
    I am truly appreciating your viewpoints. It gives me a lot of food for thought.
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  • shellfellshellfell 3800 replies12 threads Senior Member
    We only confronted this situation when S1 and his gf spent the weekend at our house. They were barely 19yo sophs at the time and strenuously objected when we made them stay in separate rooms. We knew they were sexually active and didn't really care about that, but S2 was only 15yo at the time and would've been directly across the hall from them. He was studying for finals, so we felt his comfort was more important than theirs. Her parents, OTOH, had no problem with them being in the same room.

    The next time we had to deal with this, S1 was in grad school, S2 in college, so we had no objection to letting S1 and his gf stay in the same room.
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  • cptofthehousecptofthehouse 30394 replies59 threads Senior Member
    It’s really up to you and your DH. It’s your house and up to you two as to what activities are ok there and what sleeping arrangements are. I have known parents who were fine with their kids sleeping with SOs in their house, some who just assigned separate rooms but put on blinders regarding visitation, some who made it clear that separate bedrooms were the rule in their homes.

    We always kept Unmarried guests separate. We had too many kids, too many SOs, casual friends, etc and some of our kids, cousins are just not considerate in certain regards so we had to lay down the ground rules. One of our cousins who was lenient in this regard, found her tolerance stretched when her son and daughter started bringing home more parents than that cousin was comfortable hosting. It can go that way. Right now, a young cousin wants to come visit us with his GF. House rules here have dkwayd been separate rooms in such cases, so there is no question that the sleeping arrangements will be separate.

    I think in many cases, once all of the family’s children are independent adults or at whatever point any given parent/homeowner wants to have, there might be loosening of some rules But a homeowner owes no one any rationale for the offered sleeping arrangements. If you want to be inconsistent, that’s up to you. The only time, it’s very important that separate quarters and rule strongly monitored is when there are minors involved, IMO, though I tend to go more with independent adults. But you decide what’s comfortable to you and your DH.
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  • MassmommMassmomm 4225 replies85 threads Senior Member
    I had this very conversation with a friend recently. She is a devout Christian, so her beliefs come into this. She believes that her choices in her house should reflect her faith, so when her 25 year old son and his GF visit their vacation home, she puts them in separate rooms. Do they stay there? No, and it does bother my friend a lot, but she feels that she has done what she believes is right, and that she can't do much else.
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  • gouf78gouf78 7870 replies24 threads Senior Member
    edited May 27
    Would you even care if they weren't your kids? Would you tell other unmarried friends (but not related to you) that you won't put them in the same room if they visited you?
    Is it just a double standard?
    Just wondering how far the judgement boundaries go.
    edited May 27
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  • NhatrangNhatrang 1327 replies1 threads Senior Member
    In the case where too many young adults living in the same place, sometimes it's easier if you just make it your own rule which has nothing to do with tradition. It's not personal that way and no hard feelings. My friends do this and i think it makes perfect sense. Together my friends have 4 adult kids and 2 teenagers, 2 out of the 6 have a partner and they vacation together. they rented a 5 bedroom house. My friend said, boys sleep with boys, girls sleep with girls, and no funny business! Kids laugh and respect that, no one complained. But when an the adult kid comes home with their SO for a visit, they can have their own room.

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