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Rush disappointment

famlipfamlip Registered User Posts: 13 New Member
edited September 2011 in Parents Forum
After attending summer session, D decided to go back and do Sorority Rush. Unfortunately 3 days earlier she came down with a fever. Remarkably, she rebounded extremely quickly and felt strong enough to go through rush. She was doing fine despite the long days and fell in love with one sorority. However, on day 4 she was not chosen by any of the ones she wanted and was down to two in which she did not feel comfortable. She made a decision to drop out because she did not want to take a spot away from someone who really wanted it. She now is surrounded by a roommate and almost an entire dorm that is in a Sorority and has come down with Strep throat. We are beside ourselves that our beautiful D inside and out, is starting out her college career being knocked down in her confidence and self esteem. We were unaware what the potential downside rush could be and how it can take away the joy of starting a great college career. We are encouraging her to find her own path and eventually she will, but feeling helpless and distraught for her situation.
Post edited by famlip on

Replies to: Rush disappointment

  • InthebizInthebiz Registered User Posts: 632 Member
    I'm sorry your daughter had a bad experience with rush. I'm sure it won't make her feel better to know she's not the only one who had this experience and that many (the majority) of students have a great college experience without being Greek.

    That said, this story illustrates why incoming freshmen should not be allowed to rush. They should be given the time to adjust to college, get to know people, start to develop their interests, and THEN, if they're interested, rush. 2nd semester for rush is soon enough.
  • qdogpaqdogpa - Posts: 2,417 Member
    Experieinced the exact same scenario, you're not my DW ? ;)
    Only difference is D didn't get strep...It left a bad feeling,but we said that many times inlife you may not get chosen for something you want, a job opportunity ,for example...she has immersed herself in her field of study,volunteering to be a
    guide for potential students...not to say she when sorotity stuff is gong on, she isn't bummed
  • lololulololu Registered User Posts: 1,404 Senior Member
    A note of hope -- when my sister was a freshman in college she lived on a floor where it looked like everybody was rushing in those first weeks of school.. She chose not to, but really felt like she was the only one. On the night that all the sororities were taking in the new girls, she went down the hall and found five other girls left on her floor -- two others who hadn't rushed, and three like your daughters who had didn't make it through for one reason or another. The six of them went out for pizza, found a great group of guys, went to a bunch of parties, and had a good time. Flash forward 30 years, they all still friends, four of them married guys they met that night, they have been there for each other through kids, job searches, marriages, one divorce, etc. Everything a sorority was supposed to do for them they found for themselves. May your daughters find such joy.
  • psych_psych_ Registered User Posts: 1,568 Senior Member
    I'm truly sorry your D is hurting.

    She didn't help matters by not going to revisit the two chapters she WAS invited back to. Who knows? She may have felt a connection there that night, and nothing is at all binding until you sign a bid card after the last night. The first time I visited my chapter, I didn't like it at all--but I later fell in loved with it and couldn't imagine joining any other chapter.

    If your D still wants to be involved in sorority life, she should ask about COB/COR/informal recruitment opportunities at her school. They can be a great way to get to know sorority members outside the structure of recruitment.

    Hope she feels better soon!
  • PizzagirlPizzagirl Registered User Posts: 40,488 Senior Member
    I agree with psych. Setting your sites on one house, and not revisiting houses where she may have connected, was an unfortunate move. I'm sorry to hear this and hope she gets better soon.
  • blueiguanablueiguana Registered User Posts: 7,496 Senior Member
    I'm so sorry your daughter started school this way and you, understandably are feeling so helpless. I am not a fan of first semester rush for this very reason. Adjusting is hard enough. My niece went though rush her soph year at a SEC school where the process was brutal. Something didn't work out, we'll never know what, but she didn't get a single bid. She was devastated as her entire social structure was already with one of the groups. She was several time zones away from home. It was very hard.

    She was obviously able to regroup and build herself back up. She later said it was for the best. She loved her university but was glad not to be part of one Greek org and had close friends in several groups.

    Deep breaths and gentle hugs to you and your wonderful daughter!! I'd be mindful to listen and not solve (or join in her possible grumbling). Like a breakup, the boyfriend that's on the outs today may be back in good graces tomorrow. Your daughter will remember anything negative you say about Greek orgs in general or ones in specific. Tricky thing, this parenting gig. ;)
  • deega123deega123 Registered User Posts: 689 Member
    My daughter just went through rush at an SEC school. CRAZY. I won't bore you with our long tale but it has been a roller coaster ride.

    If your daughter thinks she made a mistake by dropping out she can talk to her gamma chi or panhell and see if her school has continuous open bidding or if there is a formal spring rush.

    You can point out that because she is hurting, all the sorority stuff probably seems magnified. Encourage to get involved with a club sport, take a class at the gym, join a club or church group, volunteer, etc.

    So sorry to hear that the first weeks of school have not gone as planned.
  • TulareTulare Registered User Posts: 406 Member
    Count me as another one who feels your pain. My D went through rush at a Big 10 school with a massive Greek system midway through her freshman year. She too got to the end of the process with only two houses left, neither of which she felt comfortable with. She was devastated, and we were halfway across the country unable to do anything to help. It really shook her up, but she immediately found other ways to get involved in campus (became a campus tour guide, joined some business clubs, etc.) and became closer to some dorm friends who didn't go through rush and/or had the same thing happen to them. But it still hurt to see other girls wearing their Greek letters and to walk past these big, beautiful sorority houses every day.

    To our shock (and somewhat dismay) she decided to rush again her sophomore year. This time she had a more balanced view of the sororities, and she ended up pledging one that the year before she might have rejected (had they not dropped her first that year). It isn't one of the prestigious houses she thought she wanted the first time around, but now she says she can't imagine being in any but the one she's in. She also has put the whole Greek thing in perspective and sees it as one aspect of her college experience, but not the big important thing she thought it would be. The dorm friends she bonded with through her experience freshman year are now her best buddies, and she gets to visit them in their apartment when she wants to get away from the masses of girls in her sorority house.

    So bottom line, I know it's disappointing and painful and you feel helpless to help your daughter, but hopefully she too will look back on it as one of those life experiences that made her stronger. Good luck to you both.
  • famlipfamlip Registered User Posts: 13 New Member
    I knew D is not alone in this experience and there will be brighter days. Thank you for your responses, it helps to know there are others out there that came through it with positive outcomes.
  • sujormiksujormik Registered User Posts: 381 Member
    So sorry your daughter is in pain...I lived through virtually the exact same experience (even starting when I was sick!) and was pretty sad about it for a while, but in hindsight it was one of the best things that happened to me in college!

    I also think the first semester rush thing is borderline abusive to the kids!
  • lovemykids2lovemykids2 Registered User Posts: 373 Member
    You and your daughter are not alone famlip.

    My daughter ended up with two houses for preference round and didn't like one of the two so she chose to suicide and didn't get a bid from the house she liked.

    After several days of tears (it was the first time that she was rejected in her teen life) she pulled herself together, joined some clubs, and realized that her personality wasn't suited for sorority life. Physically she's the picture perfect sorority girl, long, natural blonde hair, beautiful, and charismatic. However, she has never been one to jump up and down and scream and yell when she's excited about something, thought the house theme songs were ridiculously embarrassing, and would never be able to handle being told that she had to attend socials, parties, or meetings. In hindsight she shouldn't have gone through rush, it was a live and learn process.

    Fortunately, she really didn't want to join a house after reflecting on the whole process, but, had it turned out that she wanted to be a Greek she would only have had herself to blame.

    Essentially, she rejected the house that she didn't put on her preference list, by doing so she knew that she would not have been guaranteed a bid. Had she put that house down she would have been given a bid card by that sorority. Truthfully, her decision was not a nice one because she judged the few girls she met at that house, and the house's reputation as not being good enough for her. Had she really wanted to be Greek I'm guessing that had she given them a chance she would have met many wonderful girls and would have ended up loving the house.

    My point is that your daughter wasn't rejected by the Greek system at her school, she rejected the two houses that were interested in her. Once she's feeling better and can be objective she'll realize that. In the meantime, tell her to join a club or two, study hard, and if she really wants to go Greek to look at COB, however, it's likely that the houses she rejected will be the ones that are still giving out bids.
  • rom828rom828 Registered User Posts: 1,413 Senior Member
    This takes me back a few decades. I missed freshman rush because I had a big committement during rush week. I rushed my sophomore year and not only did not get a bid but was alientated by my freshman year friends who did not understand why I went through rush in the first place. This first school was not a good fit in the first place and I ended up transferring (I don't remember letting the lack of bid influence this decision, I realized that overall this school was not for me). I ended up going to my state school which is one of those dreaded SEC schools and rushed as a junior. I ended up in my first choice and made great friends. Like most things in life, you have no idea what is around the corner. Unfortunately, without the life experience, this does not make you feel any better when you are in the middle of the misery. Nor does it make you as a parent feel better when you are trying to soothe your daughter. My mom who never went to college hurt even more because I was so upset and she was so unfamiliar with the process. Hopefully your daughter will pull herself up and be able to laugh about this in the years to come. Hugs to you!!! and your D!!!
  • MomLiveMomLive Registered User Posts: 2,370 Senior Member
    she decided to rush again her sophomore year. This time she had a more balanced view of the sororities, and she ended up pledging one that the year before she might have rejected (had they not dropped her first that year)

    And this is a perfectly good option. My son has several female HS friends who did what your daughter did - drop out when they didn't get an invitation from a certain house(s) but went back later and did the spring rush and joined a sorority and were glad they did. It will all work out in the end. She may decide not getting a bid from her favorite house(s) was the best thing that happened to her.
  • MommaJMommaJ Registered User Posts: 5,638 Senior Member
    I'm so sorry your daughter had such a rough start to freshman year. But it will get better, a little every day. I had a horrible first week of college and went home (an hour away) the first weekend, ostensibly to get some belongings, but actually convinced in my mind that I would never go back and would instead transfer to the local directional that a few of my high school friends were attending. I can't even imagine how miserable I would have been if I'd also had to endure the pressure and anxiety of rush. Of course I did go back, and 5 years later married the sophomore I had met that first week at a dance I had hated and left early!

    I hope this thread is read by many who are considering sending their kids to colleges where Greek life--or any other social scene-- dominates.
  • MizzBeeMizzBee Registered User Posts: 4,576 Senior Member
    Things will get better when she feels better. Recruitment is over, and now is the time that students that aren't involved in the Greek system will be on campus. She may decide to go through it again, but hopefully she will see what she already gained. She will now recognize many more people in her classes, and possibly form friendships. She probably has made friends in her recruitment group, and there is still plenty of time for friends even when a girl is in a sorority.

    If she is wants to go through COB or a possible spring recruitment, she needs to understand that the groups that she rejected may be the only groups available. Hopefully she will be lucky enough to have another chance to go through with an open mind and more opportunities to meet girls from all the chapters through clubs that she loves if she decides that she wants the sisterhood. Depending on the school, recruitment will be harder as a sophomore. I recommend that even if letters of recs are not common that she get them for next year. Tell her to get involved, get great grades (some places even have higher GPA requirements for sophomores) and keep her nose clean. Tell her to remain friendly with those people that she met through recruitment and keep smiling (even though it sometimes hurts).

    Keep in mind that there are girls in the two chapters that she rejected that liked her, and wanted her to join their sisterhood. They may feel that she believed herself "too good" to join them. I would advise her to be especially polite to those members that were in those groups if she meets them throughout the year. Also, keep in mind that the groups that she really liked may have really liked her too, but they had girls on the list that they liked a bit more. If the group can only invite back 50 and she is 51 it doesn't mean that they hated her.

    I wish her luck in the future. Rush is a crazy time for all involved, but it will not be so intense once classes start.

    BTW, deferred rush has its own set of problems, because sorority reputations are more known and girls drop out even more often if they don't get their favorite house. Also, youthful indiscretions can ruin an otherwise successful candidate if it is known that she went a little wild at too many parties or if she has a tough semester with grades.
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