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Which is worse on a kid?

2

Replies to: Which is worse on a kid?

  • mathmommathmom 31932 replies155 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 32,087 Senior Member
    A is worse. B is in a fully funded grad program and doesn't need the parents to pay the bill.
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  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus 76129 replies663 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 76,792 Senior Member
    There are two points here - the parents bullying, and the student not manning up and allowing himself/herself to be bullied by the parents.

    Note, however, if the student is under 24 and neither married nor a military veteran, the parents have almost absolute control over the student's undergraduate plans in terms of finances, because financial aid will require parental information and expects parental contribution, either of which can be withheld by parents who do not approve of the student's undergraduate plans. The only way out for the student is to either delay college until age 24, married, or after military service, or get a large merit scholarship (basically within $5,500 of a full ride) somewhere, or make a show of submitting to the parents' bullying without really doing so (relatively easy to do if pre-law is an acceptable course of study, but more difficult to do in some other situations).

    Of course, the situation is different for funded PhD students who have no need for their parents' money or signatures.
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  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus 76129 replies663 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 76,792 Senior Member
    Interesting how different the reaction here is compared to the reaction in this thread:
    http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1432859-my-dad-threatening-cut-me-off-because-i-dont-want-doctor.html
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  • romanigypsyeyesromanigypsyeyes 33159 replies766 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 33,925 Senior Member
    I think both parents are pretty twisted.

    The first one is worse though. In undergrad, you're expected to be dependent on your parents. Grad school, not so much. It's much easier to kick your parents out of your life when you're not dependent on them than when you are.

    And yes, sometimes kids do need to kick parents out of their lives (to varying degrees- not necessarily completely), especially when they're being "bullied". Don't need that kind of toxic relationship.
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  • rushedmomrushedmom 622 replies7 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 629 Member
    Both parents are bad... But if Student B allows his parents to bully him that is worse.
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  • MichiganGeorgiaMichiganGeorgia 4387 replies85 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 4,472 Senior Member
    OP- I'm trying to understand the point of this thread. Do you know or are you A or B?
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  • rimthegreenrimthegreen 48 replies12 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 60 Junior Member
    I say Kid A is worse. Because by the time Kid B is at a graduate level they most likely won't be depending on their parents to help them pay for college. Also they'll be older and more mature to not be as easily manipulated or bullied into doing what their parents want.
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  • CatriaCatria 11199 replies150 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 11,349 Senior Member
    In actuality, I'm closest to kid B.

    However, I feel that Kid B gets stabbed in the back after doing an entire undergrad degree of whatever he wanted to do, more intensely than having to do something one doesn't like from the get-go.
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  • collegealum314collegealum314 6683 replies85 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 6,768 Senior Member
    Other than the whole free will/growing into an independent individual thing, the biggest problem with parents forcing their kids to do what they deem is best is that often they don't know what they are talking about. I mean, how many parents tell their kids that they should major in engineering so they have a backup in case they don't get into med school.

    OP, you should do what you want to do. If you want people to give you advice other than that, you will have to be more specific about the subfields you are referring to.
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  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus 76129 replies663 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 76,792 Senior Member
    If you are in a funded PhD program, your parents have no power to bully you on school matters. If you are being bullied in that case, it is only because you allow yourself to be bullied.

    (That is a lot different from student A, whose parents have full financial control over the student's college plans until s/he reaches the financial aid definition of independence from parents, unless the student gets a full ride scholarship somewhere.)
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  • CatriaCatria 11199 replies150 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 11,349 Senior Member
    I'm not a PhD student yet (although I eventually plan to get one since the career plan I have is to do R&D, which often requires a PhD) and, if I plan to get a PhD away from home, there are (sometimes expensive) upfront costs as far as going away from home for grad school and there lies what leverage they may have at this stage.

    The more dangerous bullies, as far as parents are concerned, are parents that know enough about the subtilities of their kids' chosen fields. And, increasingly, parents of grad-school-bound kids get informed about the subfields that may interest their kids.
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  • absweetmarieabsweetmarie 1846 replies59 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 1,905 Senior Member
    So ... Are your parents bullying you now? Are you expecting them to bully you when it comes time to pick your grad school focus? Or is this just some kind of weird thought experiment?

    P.S. I think the word you are looking for is "subtleties." (I normally don't correct people's spellings, but "subtilities" cried out for intervention.)
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  • tk21769tk21769 10587 replies27 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 10,614 Senior Member
    Have you already done any research in condensed matter, astronomy/cosmology, or whatever is actually up for discussion? Getting accepted into a strong program may depend on your ability to demonstrate interest and preparation in one of these areas. The department will want to know about YOUR interests and preparation, not your parents'.
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  • jym626jym626 54622 replies2834 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 57,456 Senior Member
    LOL Bovertine!

    So OP, which kid are you-- A or B? I think you said B. If you are in grad school and expecially if you are paying your own way, stop answering the $_$*)(&^ phone when your parents call.
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  • PizzagirlPizzagirl 40168 replies320 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 40,488 Senior Member
    "The more dangerous bullies, as far as parents are concerned, are parents that know enough about the subtilities of their kids' chosen fields. And, increasingly, parents of grad-school-bound kids get informed about the subfields that may interest their kids."

    No, not "increasingly." Why don't you stop being coy and describe your actual problem and parental pressure so you can get advice on how to solve it?

    At the grad school level especially, one way to avoid "being bullied" is to simply not discuss things. You aren't a small child, you don't "owe" your parents any explanation of your thesis any more than I owe my parents an explanation of what I do at my work everyday. Is there a cultural background issue here with excessive enmeshment?
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