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Would you please look over this 250 words essay?

ilang99ilang99 1 replies1 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 2 New Member
edited December 2012 in Parents Forum
Hi, thank you for reading my post. I am lost in how to finish up my essay.

The topic is: Submit an essay of 250 words or more that will help us to better understand you as an individual. You may choose to describe an influential moment or person in your life, an experience that changed the way you view the world, a talent or attribute you possess that would diversify our community or any other topic of your choice.


The college I am aiming for is Babson...in business major.
So far I only wrote "parts" of the essay and am struggling over the intro/body
This is what I have. Any tips would be great. Thank you so much.

From the moment I purchased my first laptop, I was always interested in computers: not just using them, but the way each computer differed from other. Looking at various kinds of laptops and sometimes dissembling them were my hobbies for quite some time, but my attitude towards computers changed when I learned about the company Apple.

(Intro-I can feel the clumsiness, but how should I improve?)


I never related computers to marketing before I learned about the success of apple and their new laptops. At that moment, how to "sell" a computer became my interest. Apple achieved dynamic success with their signature silver chrome plating that people have never seen before. Macbook Air and other air style laptops became a huge hit by answering the people's demand for smaller laptops despite the higher price tag and lack of performance. Just making a powerful laptop like Alienware no longer works in the market: now, it is a warfare between the old air style laptops versus the new tablet system laptops that delivers touch function connected to their "unique" operating system inside a 1.5kg of metal.

(this is my...body. I am going to fix things up asap but I have no idea how to prove myself worthy to a business school with a hobby like this. I don't have any impressive records except for trying out the Micro/Macro economics AP)



I truly wish that my experiences in your university would help me take a step towards a successful career in business, where I wish to work in shaping and selling a product I've been always interested in my life. (I am trying to keep conclusion short as possible so this will probably stay like this)
edited December 2012
4 replies
Post edited by ilang99 on
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Replies to: Would you please look over this 250 words essay?

  • collegeshoppingcollegeshopping 1802 replies135 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 1,937 Senior Member
    Sent you a private message.
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  • ilang99ilang99 1 replies1 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 2 New Member
    Thank you very much for your help. I never expected such a quality answer in such short notice, and my essays for the rest of my colleges are going smooth thanks to your help. Don't worry since I do not expect to simply copy and paste your example, but I gotta say this writing piece is simply amazing and very helpful to look at whenever I am lost or frustrated. Thank you so much. I hope you have a great new year.
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  • collegeshoppingcollegeshopping 1802 replies135 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 1,937 Senior Member
    Thank you for your kind words. You are welcome and best of luck to you.
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  • bovertinebovertine 3274 replies29 discussionsRegistered User Posts: 3,303 Senior Member
    I won't comment much on the contents - I never know what to write, and this seems okay. I suspect others will say try to make it a bit more personal, but I'm not sure how to do it in 250 words. :)
    Your knowledge does come across in the essay, so good start.

    But do a careful spelling and grammar review. For example, I don't think you mean to use the word "dissembling". Probably disassembling, although I'm not sure that's even the best word. There are a few other little errors.

    Good luck.
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