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18yo returning home after semester away

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Replies to: 18yo returning home after semester away

  • mom2collegekidsmom2collegekids Forum Champion Financial Aid, Forum Champion Alabama Posts: 84,905 Forum Champion
    I'm the parent
    I am the parent in this situation. Went to pick up our student after final exams last week -- learned that no final exams had been taken. Had not gone to classes in about a month. Got overwhelmed, slept through a few classes and got behind, and just QUIT. And yes, we are disappointed. If we had known, we could have helped earlier. We spent a ton of money for this kid to go to college. I think part of it is being SO bright, and never learning study skills, as a previous poster said. Student says he was shocked by how hard college was, as this is not a top-notch college, but a safety school for this student. Now we have an 18yo back in the house. We are considering a medical withdrawal, based on previous "overwhelmed" and anxiety issues. But then will we lost the Pell Grant money? And how does that affect going back later? I guess the important thing for everyone to keep in mind is that, in the big picture, over the course of someone's whole life, this is just a blip. You redirect, and keep on going. It will be OK.



    It doesn't sound like the family "hates" this kid. They're disappointed. This is a Pell Family that has spent a good bit of their precious funds for room and board.

    The siblings may be disappointed because maybe a child now must share a room again or something like that. The parents are frustrated because they now have a 'not-mature' adult living in their home.

    I may have missed this, but is there any evidence of excessive partying and staying up late? This is a common problem with first semester frosh living away from home.
  • dodgersmomdodgersmom Registered User Posts: 7,313 Senior Member
    I may have missed this, but is there any evidence of excessive partying and staying up late? This is a common problem with first semester frosh living away from home.

    Not the case here. The kid said he was trying, and just ended up being overwhelmed. See his thread here.

    I am really saddened by the mom's posts. I understand that this is extraordinarily difficult for her (and the rest of the family) as well . . . but this doesn't sound like a terribly supportive situation for her son to come home to. I am wondering if there isn't a relative or family friend that he might be able to stay with . . . someone who wouldn't feel "annoyed" by his presence.

    I'm not trying to blame the OP . . . but sometimes a parent just reaches their wit's end and it's hard to come up with an endless supply of patience, especially when there are younger siblings you need you as well. If there were somewhere else the student could stay for a while, that might help everyone.
  • OHMomof2OHMomof2 Registered User Posts: 12,619 Senior Member
    When I read that thread I understood "I'm the parent in this situation" to mean that she had a different child going through something similar, not that she was "collegeflunkie"'s parent.
  • oldfortoldfort Registered User Posts: 23,008 Senior Member
    OHMom - you could be right, I read it very quickly. Nevertheless, I don't think it is a case of OP's kid getting 3.0 and OP was freaking out. I didn't read any of OP's posts that showed she hated her son.
  • OHMomof2OHMomof2 Registered User Posts: 12,619 Senior Member
    I suppose collegeflunkie could have decided that the best way to tell his/her parents about the suspension - as that was what the thread was initially about - was to have mom register for CC and check it out :)

    But at the time I thought she was just posting as a parent in the same situation.
  • mom2collegekidsmom2collegekids Forum Champion Financial Aid, Forum Champion Alabama Posts: 84,905 Forum Champion
    Dodgersmom...

    I'm not sure that the student in that thread is this OP's son. I think the OP was just commenting on that thread as someone with a somewhat similar situation. Hopefully, the OP of this thread can clarify.
  • mom2collegekidsmom2collegekids Forum Champion Financial Aid, Forum Champion Alabama Posts: 84,905 Forum Champion
    I think the OP in this thread lives in Virginia...so can't be the mom of the Marquette kid. You can't commute to Marquette from VA.


    Got overwhelmed, slept through a few classes and got behind, and just QUIT. A

    this sounds like excessive partying or depression.
  • dodgersmomdodgersmom Registered User Posts: 7,313 Senior Member
    OHMomof2 wrote:
    When I read that thread I understood "I'm the parent in this situation" to mean that she had a different child going through something similar, not that she was "collegeflunkie"'s parent.

    You could be right . . . and I apologize. The reference to Marquette above (post #26) made me think it was the same family. But we may well have jumped to the wrong conclusion. I apologize again for contributing to the confusion. Unfortunately, I'm sure there's more than one family having a difficult time this holiday season.
  • romanigypsyeyesromanigypsyeyes Registered User Posts: 33,923 Senior Member
    When I read that thread I understood "I'm the parent in this situation" to mean that she had a different child going through something similar, not that she was "collegeflunkie"'s parent.

    That was what I thought, too. Thought I missed something along the way...
  • allyphoeallyphoe Registered User Posts: 2,331 Senior Member
    Ah, that was me (#26), and when people started saying that the OP had posted elsewhere explaining the situation, I reached the wrong conclusion, too.
  • MichiganGeorgiaMichiganGeorgia Registered User Posts: 4,472 Senior Member
    If you read one of the OP's other posts it seems like OP is having (issues/ worried about) one of the other kids who is 15. Not sure how many kids OP has perhaps OP really is just overwelmed.
  • seattle_momseattle_mom Registered User Posts: 1,034 Senior Member
    When I read the first post, I saw a frustrated, concerned parent. I didn't see the hateful parent that some on this thread are blaming for the son's situation. I am disappointed to see CC folks piling abuse on someone who came for advice and support.

    WhatToDoWithThem, having a child transition back home at any age is tough on everyone. There are mixed feelings - perhaps glad to have the child's presence back in everyone's life, but sadness or anger at losing privileges. When my D returned, S had to deal with sharing the car he thought would be all his. I believe these adjustments are all part of being in a family, for good times and bad. Our children aren't necessarily ready to leave the nest forever just because they have graduated high school. It sounds like your S needs to be back in your home for now. The trick is to set things up so he is able to continue growing into an independent adult.

    Ask yourself (and him) what his issues were at college. What will he gain from returning home? Was there anxiety, depression or other psychological causes to address? Does he need to learn organization and study skills? Money management? Your goal should be to identify the skills he is lacking, and set up the contract so that he is learning those skills. I recommend doing this in a collaborative way, rather than a punitive one. Sit down with him, help him figure out what went wrong, and brainstorm rules and structure to help him avoid making the same mistakes. Be explicit that your goal is the same as his: for him to grow into an independent, successful adult.

    Some things, such as financial and social contribution to the household, will be set by the parents and non-negotiable. Others, such as finding a therapist or tutor help, can come from your discussion.

    Try not to blame him unnecessarily. (If he was partying and being irresponsible in other ways, obviously he is partly responsible.) In any case, don't beat him up over it. He isn't the first kid to come home in the first year, and he won't be the last.

    Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about the specifics we worked out with D.
  • WhatToDoWithThemWhatToDoWithThem Registered User Posts: 6 New Member
    I am the OP. I am new to this online forum business, and amazed at the feedback received in the past 24 hours. I started to cut and paste helpful bits to print and study, but quickly saw that there was too much for that.

    "Overwhelmed" is a good assessment of how I feel right now, and I guess that comes through. When 18yo moved out, we realized that we had overlooked some serious problems with his younger siblings -- caused in part by living with his ongoing challenges and crises. Adding him back into the mix feels like more than I can deal with right now, as we are having intense issues with another child. I feel like I am juggling the needs of several young people who each need lots of attention and help, and it is not fair to the younger ones to be put on the back burner again by their older brother's latest drama. There have been some very helpful suggestions posted. I appreciate all the feedback, and will be sorting it out in the next few days. Thank you.
  • JoblueJoblue Registered User Posts: 1,306 Senior Member
    OP, I really feel for you, FWIW. Please try to take care of yourself as well as your kids. There are many families with similar challenges and it can be so hard to juggle everyone elses' needs, that you end up exhausting your own resources.
    Good luck and best wishes for the coming year.
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