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Help! My daughter still cannot choose a college.

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Replies to: Help! My daughter still cannot choose a college.

  • intparentintparent 36291 replies644 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Has she deposited at both schools?
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  • AmavelAmavel 8 replies3 threadsRegistered User New Member
    We have made all deposits to CU Boulder and none to SDSU.
    I am fine if we lose the CU Boulder deposit. We budgeted on D attending private college.
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  • coralbrookcoralbrook 7847 replies25 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Did she get accepted to SDSU business? That is a highly respected program at SDSU with huge alumni connections.
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  • calmomcalmom 20585 replies167 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    There really is no right answer: I think at this point that you should tell your daughter that you support her either way, and give her some space to think about things until closer to the SDSU deadline. Her list of pros & cons show that she is on the right track to make a decision. Sometimes it's best to have time to sleep on things --- she just needs to get past the short-term emotional reaction to the orientation experience at Boulder so that she can put that experience in perspective.

    My son started at a private college, dropped out, took some gap time, and finished college at a CSU. The CSU was a wonderful choice and provided some life-altering and empowering opportunities-- but not things that he could have anticipated or predicted before coming. But that was about half a dozen years ago and the CSU was already struggling with budget cuts that impacted quality of education, and things have gotten worse since then. For example, many instructors, including one of my son's favorites, faced layoffs. The main lesson I drew from my son's experience is that you should not pick a college solely on what is best for the 18 year old entering freshman year -- you have to try to imagine the future 21-year-old rising senior, and where that person will be happy and thriving. While that is a hard task, your daughter can at least envision the person she hopes she will become in 3 years -- and try to imagine looking back on the choice she has made. Will she be then wishing she had stayed closer to home? or will she be regretting having made a short-sighted choice, and wish she had the courage to take a path that was more broadening for her?

    What are your daughter's options at Boulder if she decides to change majors? (Since it sounds like she is already leaning that way).

    It really sounds from your d's list of pros and cons that she prefers Boulder. I'm also a little puzzled about her concern about a sorority -- it sounds like she wants to join one, but is afraid that that at SDSU she might get excluded? I'd think that rushing sororities would be hugely intimidating process for a young woman that you describe as "very shy." So she might need to take a step back and view each college through a worst-case-scenario lens -- assuming that whatever can go wrong, will -- and then ask herself which would be the situation where she will be more able to cope with the downside. For example: assume that she is very homesick at Boulder, has a hard time making friends, and doesn't like the cold winters -- and then picture herself at SDSU, where she has not been admitted to any sorority, is uncomfortable living in the dorms and eating dorm food, and is frustrated by large class size, not being able to get into classes she wants, and inferior academics (in her view)?

    Either way she is facing a challenge of sorts: so the question may come down to- in which college are the "pros" strong enough to outweigh the "cons" -- and at which school are the "cons" something she thinks she can live with?
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  • GladGradDadGladGradDad 2804 replies14 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    If she doesn't like the dorms at SDSU she can always consider one of the very nice apartment complexes adjacent to campus -

    Apartments For Rent In San Diego|San Diego Condo Rentals|Paseo Place

    Suites on Paseo | SDSU Apartments San Diego California

    I haven't been to them but they look nice.
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  • takeitallintakeitallin 3352 replies26 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    ^^^My son lived in those apartments. I can tell you if she lives there she had better like parties! I would recommend that a freshman who is quiet and shy NOT live in off-campus apartments adjacent to the school. I think it would be pretty overwhelming.
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  • colorado_momcolorado_mom 8964 replies79 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    "Great food and nice dorms" - That should be a minor factor overall (but perhaps a major factor during freshman year of adjustment). Dorm space is limited at CU - most students live off campus starting sophomore year.
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  • emeraldkity4emeraldkity4 34785 replies1076 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I can think of a reason to go to Colorado.
    ;)
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  • TempeMomTempeMom 2970 replies25 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I wonder if your daughter has had much "sleep away" experience like with camps, etc, and whether you can draw some insight from those experiences that may be applicable here.
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  • AmavelAmavel 8 replies3 threadsRegistered User New Member
    My daughter is so torn and is in tears everyday at the thought of making a final decision of what college to attend. She was accepted and planning on going to CU Boulder then received a late acceptance to San Diego State. She has accepted and paid a deposit for both schools, but needs to make a final decision by July 23. The tuition cost for either school is not issue.

    Her boyfriend (first love) wants her to go to SDSU and has enrolled in a local San Diego community college to be near her. She also has a close friend attending SDSU.

    We live in CA, bay area and she feels comforted that SDSU would be closer travel to home and comforted that it's in-state and most of all having a friend and her boyfriend close by. But, she feels like CU Boulder would be a better school long term academically, beautiful school and force her to socially branch out.

    At either school she feels that the college transition would be extremely hard for her but, at CU Boulder, the thought of breaking up with her boyfriend and not knowing anyone would be emotionally too much for her and would not be able to handle college.

    I'm at a loss, every time I talk to her about making her decision she starts to cry. I told her to think about a gap year or going to a local community college and she refuses to even consider it.

    Help, I feel like a helpless parent. I have posted about some of the above issues before and received excellent advise.
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  • nysmilenysmile 5753 replies97 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Find out the degree to which the boyfriend is trying to influence her decision. I can't imagine the stress on your daughter if she's torn between what her boyfriend wants and what she believes would be the best choice. It's not fair for the boyfriend to put her in such a position. If he has a history of "making" many of the decisions in the relationship, I would send her to Boulder.
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  • sseamomsseamom 4880 replies25 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    You are not a "helpless parent", you are paying her way, yes? My own D made a decision based on what she thought everyone else wanted and ended up quite miserable. In hind sight, we should have insisted that she take a gap year. The growth she's had in maturity between 18-22 has been astounding, and is making entirely different decisions than she did as a confused kid.

    If your D is this distraught with only days to go, I would be firm about her taking a gap year or at least a semester to take some time to figure out what she really wants to do. Not everyone is comfortable with "the rest of their life" plans at 18.
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  • MassmommMassmomm 3924 replies81 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    It sounds like she really needs to get away from the boyfriend and branch out socially. I would be very alarmed if a boy chose a college just to be near my daughter. Education decisions should be made entirely independently of romantic relationships. He needs to expand his social life too, so sending her to Boulder would be good for both of them.
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  • showmom858showmom858 2924 replies16 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Offer your D the support that if she chooses one and doesn't like it she can always come home and figure out what to do next. She does need to know that if she goes to Boulder then decides she wants SDSU she will not be able to transfer there until she is a junior.

    I think she sounds like a great candidate for a gap year.
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  • 18yrcollegemin18yrcollegemin 249 replies3 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    I agree completely with nysmile. It seems that your daughter was all set for CU and happy with her decision until the late monkeywrench from SDSU. Usually, one's first decision is the one their instincts are saying is best. Perhaps time away from the bf will give her the opportunity to grow as a person without the influence of the bf. I'd be a bit worried if she is basing the decision on staying near the bf. She may just be getting nervous about going so far away now that the time is almost near. If she felt comfortable there on her visit, it will probably be the same once she actually gets there and gets settled.
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  • GladGradDadGladGradDad 2804 replies14 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    This was already all covered in your previous thread with the exact same topic. Why are you creating a new thread that's exactly the same? You can always bump up your old thread if you want. It'd save people from repeating themselves.

    http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1521732-advise-make-decision-asap-need-scared-college-bound-student.html

    I'll repeat myself anyway - if you're comfortable paying for either school (assuming you're paying) and think either school would be reasonable for her, then just leave the decision to her. She might cry, might have angst, but making decisions is part of growing up. She can sort out for herself what her priorities are and make the decision even if she can't articulate it. In another month or two this issue will be over because she'll be at one or the other unless she decides to skip going to college next year.

    I see no reason for a gap year from what you posted - she just needs to make a decision.
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  • MarianMarian 13200 replies83 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    If you don't like the new thread, GladGradDad, you don't have to read it.

    I think the OP started a new thread because her daughter's long period of indecision has made this seem like a new situation.

    But I have a question for you, OP. Does your daughter usually agonize a lot before making a decision? Is that her style?

    I ask because people here are suggesting fairly drastic courses of action -- like a gap year. If the long period of indecision and strong emotions that you're noticing are unusual for your daughter, then maybe something like that is justified. But if she always agonizes over decisions, then maybe that's just her process, and you have to let her get through it.
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  • GladGradDadGladGradDad 2804 replies14 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    If you don't like the new thread, GladGradDad, you don't have to read it.
    You're right but it doesn't make sense to make multiple threads with the exact same topic. Maybe the OP doesn't know she can bump up the original thread of the same topic. I'm educating the OP if you don't mind.
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  • momofthreeboysmomofthreeboys 16630 replies66 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I'm still surprised you are double enrolled that's a huge no-no, I'd be squeamish about that as a parent. Give her 48 hours and tell her to make a decision or you will...that's what I would do. And my entire family knows I have a low tolerance for indecisiveness. And if there was no decision, mine would be to keep her close to home because I'd be concerned she wasn't emotionally ready to be "far away." YMMV.
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  • AmavelAmavel 8 replies3 threadsRegistered User New Member
    Thank your for advise. I created a new thread because I felt there were different issues that what I originally posted and I didn't want to confuse the issue at hand.

    I hope you understand "Gladgraddad" that having a child go through this process can be very emotional, stressful and different for every child. Sometimes my only solace is receiving your advise and knowing other parents have gone through the same process.
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