Welcome to College Confidential!

The leading college-bound community on the web

Sign Up For Free

Join for FREE, and start talking with other members, weighing in on community discussions, and more.

Also, by registering and logging in you'll see fewer ads and pesky welcome messages (like this one!)

As a CC member, you can:

  • Reply to threads, and start your own.
  • Post reviews of your campus visits.
  • Find hundreds of pages of informative articles.
  • Search from over 3 million scholarships.
The Forums will be unavailable Tuesday, June 25 starting at 9 am ET as we prepare for a major design update!

The other side of high achievement

189101113

Replies to: The other side of high achievement

  • MomzieMomzie Registered User Posts: 846 Member
    Cobrat, that's a good point -- that in certain neighborhoods, there's a lot of conversations that are really about personal things, like how much one's house costs, etc. I know that we began training our kids not to answer those weird personal questions (what does your dad do? Where do you all go on vacation? Where did your parents go to college?) that our kids were being asked by other parents on unsupervised playdates. We taught our kids from about the age of four or five that there are lots of questions that you should probably answer with either "I don't know" or "We don't usually discuss that" or "my parents don't like us to talk about family stuff." or something along those lines. I recently won a teaching award at our university, which I guess counts as public knowledge, but my daughter reported that she had three teachers at her high school that mentioned it to her. She just thought it was weird, because that was something that mom does that has relatively little to do with her.
  • Nrdsb4Nrdsb4 Registered User Posts: 16,808 Senior Member
    When my daughter was younger, I kept remarking on her beauty and other people did as well. She was always the fairest of them all (in my eyes anyway).

    That just reminded me of a conversation I had years ago. A little girl had been abducted from a soccer field while her parents were distracted by watching her sibling play. She was murdered. Several of us were talking about this and remarking on how scary this was, as we had younger daughters we had to keep an eye on as well at these soccer tournaments, and how easy it could be to lose track of them. One of the moms nodded and said, "I know! And we have it even harder. We have to really be more careful than most because Snowflake is so attractive." The rest of just looked around at each other, stunned. Yeah, we don't have to worry about our ugly daughters as much as Mom of Snowflake does. I've never forgotten that lady.

    Though I'm not suggesting your comments were similar. We all think our kids are beautiful.
  • MomzieMomzie Registered User Posts: 846 Member
    There is one lady n our neighborhood who spends the most time bragging about her kid's perfect SAT scores, 98th percentile everything -- the strange thing is that her kid is going to a pretty average state school now, after all those years of bragging, This has caused some speculation as to whether she actually made up all the things she bragged about over the years. I've always been extremely gullible, and now I'm starting to wonder how many of the braggers were lying. Do people just make stuff up about their kids? I find this surprising.
  • heartpondererheartponderer Registered User Posts: 25 New Member
    Often when she was growing up people would tell us that our daughter is beautiful. This always took me back. I wanted to answer, "no, she's smart!" Her scores were perfect, but we never shared them. I never knew how to answer this compliment- it's not like I have control over the genes my kid pulled out of the pool.

    Maybe I'm sensitive since I have a prettier sister a year younger than me, so we she was the pretty one and I was the smart one, and we were fine with that. I want my daughter to be know as smart too!!
  • cobratcobrat Registered User Posts: 12,285 Senior Member
    Often when she was growing up people would tell us that our daughter is beautiful. This always took me back. I wanted to answer, "no, she's smart!" Her scores were perfect, but we never shared them. I never knew how to answer this compliment- it's not like I have control over the genes my kid pulled out of the pool.

    Maybe I'm sensitive since I have a prettier sister a year younger than me, so we she was the pretty one and I was the smart one, and we were fine with that. I want my daughter to be know as smart too!!

    In the machismo dominated male culture of my old NYC neighborhood and the highly academically competitive one at my public magnet HS, being considered "handsome/pretty" was often taken as a backhanded compliment at best as it implied one was unmasculine in the former environment and not very intelligent in the latter.

    In fact, if one polled the students at my public magnet, the vast majority during my time there would prefer to be known as very smart than very pretty/handsome.
  • QuantMechQuantMech Registered User Posts: 7,944 Senior Member
    I think the key words in that post by cobra are "public magnet." I think that students in the local school system might *say* that they preferred to be known as smart, but if one looks at actions, it's reasonably clear where the priorities lie.
  • BayBay Registered User Posts: 12,499 Senior Member
    Both beauty and intelligence are innate, so I don't see why some think it is okay to publicly acknowledge one and not the other.

    Btw, there are plenty of handsome/pretty/good-looking students at Harvard and Yale; beauty and brains are not mutually exclusive.
  • Saona63Saona63 Registered User Posts: 402 Member
    I don't see anything wrong with it. My son just graduated HS last week as a Valedictorian and will be attending Yale. I don't have to spread much about his accomplishments because everybody knows it. He did score a 24 in the Duke Tip in 7th grade. Be proud of her, she should be proud of herself. Make sure she becomes an all around kid, not just books.....Club and varsity sports, lots of community and volunteer hours and of course maintain her amazing scores:)
  • HoggirlHoggirl Registered User Posts: 1,721 Senior Member
    @heartponderer‌ - I think the best response to someone's commenting on a child's beauty is to say, "Thank you! She is also beautiful on the inside - which is what really matters." Especially if the child is right there. That doesn't diminish your daughter's beauty (there's nothing wrong with being beautiful and one should accept a compliment), but it shows that beauty isn't all things. I do have to say that I have heard the expression, "Cute gets you farther in life than smart." I certainly have a dumb but cute dog to which this phrase is applicable! ;)
  • Nrdsb4Nrdsb4 Registered User Posts: 16,808 Senior Member
    ^^^^My dog is so ugly he is cute!
  • SlackerMomMDSlackerMomMD Registered User Posts: 3,094 Senior Member
    @hoggirl, @heartponderer‌, I just say "thank you" whenever people compliments my child's looks. Maybe it's more "er, thanks". Some people just need to say something and it's not as if they can whip out an IQ test to administer to your child.
  • cobratcobrat Registered User Posts: 12,285 Senior Member
    ^^^^My dog is so ugly he is cute!

    Ahh, "cute". A term along with similar ones like "pretty boy" which would make any boys/young men from my old neighborhood or most male HS classmates cringe at its negative implications.

    Granted, in an adolescent/late teen mind, that's the kind of compliment one would expect to receive from one's own mother, aunts, or older women.....and thus, be viewed as little more than a helpless little boy* rather than an independent capable adolescent/young man.

    It's easy to laugh about it now...but it can be really serious business in the mind of a given 8 year old or higher who wants to be taken more seriously.

    * Or useless.
    "Cute gets you farther in life than smart."

    Depends on what you want out of life.

    If it is to be well-liked and seemingly to get along with most, sure. If it is to be respected as an effective capable individual who has aspirations for leadership positions where one may need to make unpopular decisions or supervise others in doing unpopular tedious, but necessary tasks, not from what I've seen so far.

    If anything, even the perception one got ahead in his/her career mainly/solely on "being cute" or good looks means he/she is very likely to take a major hit in the credibility/respect department in relation to his/her colleagues and higher-ups who don't agree about the "cute/good looks factor.
  • HoggirlHoggirl Registered User Posts: 1,721 Senior Member
    @cobrat It was just an attempt (obviously failed) at humor.
  • Nrdsb4Nrdsb4 Registered User Posts: 16,808 Senior Member
    My dog really IS so ugly he's cute. He has a congenital face deformation. His nose is crooked and his mouth is deformed on one side so that it looks like he is snarling on one side. It's really funny looking if you examine him carefully. But he's so fluffy that you don't always notice it at first. It's part of his character, and we couldn't imagine him any different. If we could fix it, we wouldn't. Though I will admit we've had some fun with people telling them that we are about to start some doggy orthodontics which will involve head gear; they almost always believe us. It's good for a chuckle.
  • sally305sally305 Registered User Posts: 7,604 Senior Member
    I got it, Hoggirl. :)
This discussion has been closed.