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Overbearing mother in college selection


Replies to: Overbearing mother in college selection

  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus Registered User Posts: 76,634 Senior Member
    thumper1 wrote:
    Student posted elsewhere that her top choices were LSU and UA. She thinks she qualifies for scholarships at both (I'm not sure she does at UA).

    The well known UA automatic scholarships start at 3.5 HS GPA and 27 ACT (though full tuition for out-of-state students needs a 32 ACT, or 30 ACT for engineering majors). There may be (probably smaller) non-automatic scholarships available at lower high school stats.
  • cptofthehousecptofthehouse Registered User Posts: 27,917 Senior Member
    Yes, IMO, mom has worked hard, prepared for college costs, and it can't be easy being a single parent with two kids to send off to college. I don't blame her for having some stipulations on what her hard earned tax and income money will pay for.
  • thumper1thumper1 Registered User Posts: 76,070 Senior Member
    And I believe there will be two siblings in college at the same time (an older brother) for a bit anyway.

    OP...paying college costs for two kids is costly. Your mom has done an excellent job of planning your college financing if you stay in Florida. I don't think that is an unreasonable request on her part. She is not overbearing, she is realistic.
  • fieldsportsfieldsports Registered User Posts: 550 Member
    OP, take a look at the book called "Crucial Conversations -- tools for talking when stakes are high". It teaches valuable life skills about how to "get to dialogue" -- to keep both parties feeling safe and non-defensive, so that the real issues can be explored, and any common ground can be found. Ideally, you and your mom will be able to calmly discuss what hopes, fears and limitations are at work for you both. Then you will know that you have done the best you can.

    I believe you must absolutely respect your mother's financial limitations, and the way that funding concerns might steer you toward one school over another. She seems to be doing great work for you, better than most.

    But the small school/big school discussion is one worth having, if you can get an equally good education at a smaller school, within the budget. It may not just be a matter of money. For example, she may believe that you will quickly outgrow a small school.

    At the end of the day, many of us have to face that fact that we are financially successful enough to be ineligible for any need-based aid, and yet we are not so rich that we can let our kids go anywhere they want as full payors. So the kids must look for merit-based aid, and must work within the budget. And big merit is not that easy to get. Many of us must tell our kids that "I'm not mad at you that you don't qualify for a big merit ride, and you should not be mad at me that there's a budget."
  • thumper1thumper1 Registered User Posts: 76,070 Senior Member
    edited June 2014
    This OP is NOT looking a tiny OOS schools. UA, and LSU are NOT tiny schools.Neither is Auburn...or Ole Miss.
  • intparentintparent Registered User Posts: 36,886 Senior Member
    Mom also may not have made that kind of money for a lot of her adult live and may not be well positioned for retirement yet (I know my retirement funds took a hit when I divorced). I think the OP's mom has had a lot of foresight and is offering the OP a deal a lot of kids wish they had. You couldn't convince me if I were your mom...
  • calla1calla1 Registered User Posts: 1,992 Senior Member
    OP seems to have left the thread.
  • mom2collegekidsmom2collegekids Forum Champion Financial Aid, Forum Champion Alabama Posts: 84,900 Forum Champion
    edited June 2014
    Even with 2 in school (one sibling) her EFC is too high for Pell.

    My test scores are high enough for merit aid from UA ut my GPA is too low.

    Unless she has new scores, a 26 isnt high enough.

    she will NOT get much/anything from UA or Auburn because of her gpa and test scores....certainly not enough to give up BF

    Mom seems to be directing to FL publics because with BF and pre-paid, there will be little left to pay. If the OP goes to LSU, UA, or AU, her mom would have to pay about $30k+ per year. It is a no-brainer as to why mom is saying no.

    Mom has a good head on her shoulders. The OP seems oblivious to costs.
  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus Registered User Posts: 76,634 Senior Member
    edited June 2014
    However, if the mother has not already done so, she should lay out the financial parameters and say "we can only afford $X for your college" in order to eliminate the OP's obliviousness toward college costs. (But also say, "you can go elsewhere if you can get the price below $X" -- that is unlikely to happen, but it puts the responsibility back on the OP instead of being what seems to the OP to be arbitrary parental restrictions.)
  • alijasminedalijasmined Registered User Posts: 114 Junior Member
    OP has not left the thread! I understand that I am lucky to have both bright futures and prepaid ( which is a small amount because it was started a little late) but I would like to go to a school that I feel I can make my home! Honestly, if I get into UF it will be the school I attend but I certainly cannot predict that based of their random holistic admission process. I chose LSU and UA as my OOS options because they are relatively low in cost compared to other OOS schools. I plan on applying for many private scholarships and working throughout my senior year to help pay for school. My father also contributes a couple thousand a year. If I can pay 25% of my education then I should be able to go out of state... Yes I do not have high enough test scores for merit YET. I have a tutor and plan on taking the ACT again September 8th and also the SAT. I would only need a 28 to receive merit from many of my listed schools and I am taking summer courses to help raise my GPA. My mother also plans on downsizing substantially and selling all of her real estate when I leave for college so I know the money will not be a HUGE problem in the long run though it may be a burden in my first year(s).
  • Niquii77Niquii77 Registered User Posts: 10,104 Senior Member
    Is UF the only public Florida college you are willing to attend?

    In the case you do go out of state, how are you going to pay for all of it?

    You said you're going to work throughout your senior year. You said your dad contributes a couple thousand a year. You said you'll love for scholarships. You said your mom will sell her current real estate properties. You don't need to disclose the numbers here, but what you do need to do is sit down with your mom and discuss realistic estimates with her. You should work with the highest OOS cost of attendance and look at the money coming in - Florida Prepaid funds, estimated merit scholarships, estimated financial aid, estimated funds coming from the sales of your moms real estate, your dads contribution, along with your contribution. Really break down the numbers to see if it is possible.
  • Youdon'tsayYoudon'tsay Registered User Posts: 19,508 Senior Member
    I wouldn't assume the proceeds from selling off properties will go to you. She might need to fund her retirement.
  • cptofthehousecptofthehouse Registered User Posts: 27,917 Senior Member
    The thing you are missing here, is that regardless, your mother is going to have to pay and as a result she can make her own stipulations as to what she will pay for You are lucky that she is paying . That she took time to put money aside, that she is making plans to become more liquid so that she can pay. Remember the golden rule. (s)he who has the gold makes the rules.
  • alijasminedalijasmined Registered User Posts: 114 Junior Member
    I am also considering FAU for the fact that I am eligible for lots of FA and perhaps an athletic scholarship. And it is a rather large amount of real estate...
  • Niquii77Niquii77 Registered User Posts: 10,104 Senior Member
    It may be a large amount of real estate, but you don't know her intentions with the received income. You should really be talking with your mom about this.
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