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Overbearing mother in college selection

alijasminedalijasmined 92 replies22 threads Junior Member
I am approaching my senior year and preparing to apply for college and I can already sense my mother's creeping hostility towards out of state and small schools. She wants me to go to Florida State University with my brother but Tallahassee is my least favorite place on earth. She told me that I might as well cross the out of state schools off my list and is forcing me to apply to UCF and FSU. The only schools she approves of on my list are UF and FAU. There is no communicating with her...How can I open her mind and find a more common ground with her?
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Replies to: Overbearing mother in college selection

  • GMTplus7GMTplus7 14268 replies297 threads Senior Member
    If u are a VERY competitive applicant, then explain to her that other schools could be financially comparable or even cheaper
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  • thumper1thumper1 78012 replies3498 threads Senior Member
    edited June 2014
    Your mom likely is concerned about the costs to fund these out of state and small schools. Will you qualify for need based financial aid? Do your OOS and small schools guarantee to meet full need for all? Do you qualify for guaranteed merit aid at any of these OOS schools? Can you lay the costs of attending the OOS schools without financial assistance from your parents?

    Do you qualify for Bright Futures? Do you have a Florida prepaid plan?

    It sounds like your parents will have two of you in com,wage at the same time. That is a costly venture.

    I think you need to understand if finances are part of this equation.

    ETA...on one of your other threads, you mentioned University of Miami. It is an expensive private university, and your current stats do NOT put you in the running for merit aid. And the school doesn't guarantee to meet full need for students with financial need. As a parent, I would need a VERY compelling argument to pay the much higher cost for you to attend this private Florida college vs a Florida public university.

    ETA...another point...other posts indicate you will not qualify for need based aid. You are also trying to raise your ACT score to be eligible for scholarships to some of these OOS schools. You mentioned other schools in the south like LSU and Alabama (your current ACT is too low for merit at UA). I'm sorry...but the less expensive Florida publics just might be a better financial choice...and I fail to see the difference between them and your OOS,choices.

    Please explain why LSU or UA would be a better choice for you than your instate public.
    edited June 2014
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  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus 82768 replies738 threads Senior Member
    Is her objection based on costs or perceived costs? If so, will she tell you the price limit?
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  • poetgrlpoetgrl 13231 replies103 threads Senior Member
    If she can't afford out of state schools, that's not overbearing. That's just a fact.

    Good luck.
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  • gouf78gouf78 7813 replies23 threads Senior Member
    How about USF?
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  • Erin's DadErin's Dad 34003 replies4663 threads Super Moderator
    Or New College of FL?
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  • SlackerMomMDSlackerMomMD 3085 replies9 threads Senior Member
    Your parents are likely looking at their finances and cist of sending you away to college (that's a very good thing). You are very lucky that Florida has very good and very affordable public universities and colleges.

    Have you and your parents run the NPC'S for your colleges as well as the Florida schools? If not, this would be a good time to do that. Either you will see how expensive and unaffordable your choices are for your parents or your parents will find out that your choices are affordable. Talking past each other is just futile and frustrating.

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  • TorveauxTorveaux 1451 replies10 threads Senior Member
    How about you start off by giving us information that we can use to help. All we really know from your post is that your mother prefers state schools (and big ones) and you do not. It is more about the Why and what do YOU want. She may or may not be reasonable depending upon the facts.
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  • cptofthehousecptofthehouse 30258 replies59 threads Senior Member
    Maybe she is overbearing, but she is way preferable to those parents who tell a kid to apply anywhere without regard to costs, when there are likey limitations. She is telling you what she is willing to pay for. Which is her right. Yes, some parents will not pay for things like schools outside of a certain distance, certain name schools and even more restrictive things. Once you are 18, you are an adult and she doesn't have to give you squat unless there is some court document forcing her to do so. So every dime you get from her is a gift

    I suggest you work with her on the state schools. FInd out what she is willing to pay, find out what her main concerns are. Start looking for schools where you might be able to get some money. When I was in high school, it was repeatedly told to me that I had free tuition at a local 2 year satellite school so that was where I could go and then transfer to the main State University or big satellite campus thereafter and my parents would generously come up with room, board and expense for me at that time. So I'm not exactly sympathetic about you complaining about FSU as an option. My brothers' options were Miami Dade Community College since that was my dad's affiliation when they came of age. FSU and FCU would have sounded mighty good to them too. We all duly applied to what our options were and pursued options that we could pay ourselves as well, and took what we got for ourselves which was fine when it was all on the table. What my father was making clear was that since he got tuition as part of his pay/benefit package at certain schools, that was what he was making available to us and he was happy to also provide the 3 squares and the cot, but not the sleep away college experience right out of college and private schools he could not afford.
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  • boysx3boysx3 4993 replies174 threads Senior Member
    OP, if you are interested in large OOS schools--can you help us help you by telling us what schools are of interest to you, and why? Is it some special program that is not available at any of the Florida schools? If so, that makes sense (although it still could be unaffordable to your family). If it is just that it is away/not in Florida, then it doesn't make sense, because in a lot of ways all of the large state schools are fungible.

    If it is that you are really interested in attending a small school, or an LAC, investigate some that are in Florida, if that is your mom's restriction. Also check out their costs.

    We don't know your "stats" but you do--so if you really want to go to a smaller school, in Florida or out of state--research smaller schools of interest to you, and see if you possibly qualify for some merit awards that might bring the cost of attendance down to a range that is acceptable to your family. Be aware that this can be very difficult, though-- a $15,000 merit award at a school with a total cost of $60,000 still leaves $45,000 for your family to pay, which is way above the cost of full-pay in state.

    Also investigate how you might make the large school, in-state experience more of what you want. Does the school offer LLC? or other small dorm/special interest programs or housing? Large schools are made up of many, many smaller units.
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  • thumper1thumper1 78012 replies3498 threads Senior Member
    Below....posted in April. ACT is now 26.

    Student posted elsewhere that her top choices were LSU and UA. She thinks she qualifies for scholarships at both (I'm not sure she does at UA).

    In addition, she qualifies for Bright Futures AND has a Florida prepaid plan.
    alijasmined
    Posts: 78
    Registered User
    Junior Member
    April 5 in What Are My Chances?
    I am currently a junior and I am trying to narrow down my college choices.
    Stats:
    3.2 UW GPA
    3.9 W GPA
    19 ACT (freshman year christmas treed it long story lol) waiting for new score from Apr. 1st test (24-28)
    7 APs by senior year and 13 honors
    Dual Enrolling this summer and senior year
    Black female from a single parent $110,000-120,000 home in Florida

    ECs:
    President of FBLA
    President Beta Club
    Track& Field
    Weightlifting
    Volunteers at local elementary schools teach/mentor children whose parents don't speak English
    Started new club- TAT (Teaching Adults Technology) Teaches adults 40+ how to use their electronics
    Yearbook Staff

    What are my chances at UF, FSU, LSU, UA, AUBURN, OLE MISS, AND FAMU?

    Possible scholarships?

    Planning on applying EA to schools with the option to apply early.

    HELPPPP

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  • cptofthehousecptofthehouse 30258 replies59 threads Senior Member
    Seems to me that mom is doing well financially, but runs a tight shop with the budget. Yes, it's good salary she gets, but not one where she can make college payment commitments with wild abandon. She has prepaid for a FL school, sees the BF as part of her tax investment, and making this clear to her DD. Looks good to me. If DD can come up with the money, certainly she can choose other options.
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  • Niquii77Niquii77 9994 replies110 threads Senior Member
    Bright Futures AND Florida Prepaid?

    OP, just recognize that if you play your cards right you can be going to school for free or a pretty small cost.
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  • TorveauxTorveaux 1451 replies10 threads Senior Member
    OK, so the parent went with Florida prepaid...that explains a lot.

    OP, you need to grow up. Parent(s) did something for you and you can either accept it or strike out on your own (meaning get a completely full-ride somewhere).
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  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus 82768 replies738 threads Senior Member
    thumper1 wrote:
    Student posted elsewhere that her top choices were LSU and UA. She thinks she qualifies for scholarships at both (I'm not sure she does at UA).

    The well known UA automatic scholarships start at 3.5 HS GPA and 27 ACT (though full tuition for out-of-state students needs a 32 ACT, or 30 ACT for engineering majors). There may be (probably smaller) non-automatic scholarships available at lower high school stats.
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  • cptofthehousecptofthehouse 30258 replies59 threads Senior Member
    Yes, IMO, mom has worked hard, prepared for college costs, and it can't be easy being a single parent with two kids to send off to college. I don't blame her for having some stipulations on what her hard earned tax and income money will pay for.
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  • thumper1thumper1 78012 replies3498 threads Senior Member
    And I believe there will be two siblings in college at the same time (an older brother) for a bit anyway.

    OP...paying college costs for two kids is costly. Your mom has done an excellent job of planning your college financing if you stay in Florida. I don't think that is an unreasonable request on her part. She is not overbearing, she is realistic.
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  • fieldsportsfieldsports 481 replies69 threads Member
    OP, take a look at the book called "Crucial Conversations -- tools for talking when stakes are high". It teaches valuable life skills about how to "get to dialogue" -- to keep both parties feeling safe and non-defensive, so that the real issues can be explored, and any common ground can be found. Ideally, you and your mom will be able to calmly discuss what hopes, fears and limitations are at work for you both. Then you will know that you have done the best you can.

    I believe you must absolutely respect your mother's financial limitations, and the way that funding concerns might steer you toward one school over another. She seems to be doing great work for you, better than most.

    But the small school/big school discussion is one worth having, if you can get an equally good education at a smaller school, within the budget. It may not just be a matter of money. For example, she may believe that you will quickly outgrow a small school.

    At the end of the day, many of us have to face that fact that we are financially successful enough to be ineligible for any need-based aid, and yet we are not so rich that we can let our kids go anywhere they want as full payors. So the kids must look for merit-based aid, and must work within the budget. And big merit is not that easy to get. Many of us must tell our kids that "I'm not mad at you that you don't qualify for a big merit ride, and you should not be mad at me that there's a budget."
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  • thumper1thumper1 78012 replies3498 threads Senior Member
    edited June 2014
    This OP is NOT looking a tiny OOS schools. UA, and LSU are NOT tiny schools.Neither is Auburn...or Ole Miss.
    edited June 2014
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