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should my husband and I cease paying for grandson's college?

nanadavisnanadavis Registered User Posts: 6 New Member
edited September 2015 in Parents Forum
so that our grandson would not have to take out loans, we offered to pay his fee gap of about 8000 US per year. this is his second year. all of last year we never received one genuine thank you. we chalked it up to immaturity and felt one day he would grow up and appreciate it. but this year is more of the same. for example, last week he called my husband bloody murder that he had a balance of a couple hundred dollars in fees to the college (that posted after we paid tuition) ... and wanted to know if we could help with books. we paid the college within 30 minutes. we then texted later that night just to say it was taken care of and we asked what classes he was taking. no response. this is typical.

would ending this arrangement be okay? I hate to say it but we feel used.

Replies to: should my husband and I cease paying for grandson's college?

  • chubiichubii Registered User Posts: 644 Member
    I'm a student, but I think you should end this.. especially if his grades are bad
  • nanadavisnanadavis Registered User Posts: 6 New Member
    I assume many will think we should address his parents but we are concerned that will only accomplish amped up faux appreciation.
  • jumpingstarjumpingstar Registered User Posts: 228 Junior Member
    I would definitely end it, but that's just my opinion (coming from a high school senior). I know if it were my parents they would've cut me off (paying for college by myself, anyways).
  • TomSrOfBostonTomSrOfBoston Registered User Posts: 14,442 Senior Member
    End it immediately! He sees you as a bank giving out free money.

    What about his parent, your son or daughter? Are they aware of his attitude? THEY should be ashamed of raising such a self centered kid.
  • nanadavisnanadavis Registered User Posts: 6 New Member
    we heard he had a 3.0 last year but that's just hearsay. we know he needed a 3.5-plus for a specific program, so he fell short of qualifying.
  • yearstogoyearstogo Registered User Posts: 556 Member
    I think you should definitely end it, but I suspect you will not...
  • Dad_of_3Dad_of_3 Registered User Posts: 2,067 Senior Member
    I don't know if you provide other funds for him on a monthly or ad-hoc basis, or just the tuition. I'd give him some notice if there's an immediate payment involved - "We'll send you the October 1st allowance, but that will be our last..", but let him know there won't be any further payments of any kind. I somehow suspect telling him you expect him to behave differently to continue receiving funds will only result in what you stated - faux appreciation. Also it isn't clear what your son or daughter's role is in the current arrangement, and if s/he's also supporting the kid, I'd drop a note there too so they're not hit by a last minute surprise.
  • jym626jym626 Registered User Posts: 56,047 Senior Member
    Have you talked to your kids (his parents) about this? I'd start there.
  • twoinanddonetwoinanddone Registered User Posts: 19,926 Senior Member
    I would let him and his parents know that while you were happy to be able to help him, you don't feel like a participant in his education and therefore will not continue payments after this year. You're right that this will bring about a lot of apologies and belated thanks, but that's what you want, correct? You want to be thanked. Only you will be able to judge if the turn around is sincere or not and whether you will then continue the gift.

    When I was in college, my grandfather would occasionally send me $10 or $20. He was living off social security and this was a big deal, to him and to me. I hope I was sufficiently grateful. In your grandson's case, he may not be grateful or he may not have been taught as a child how to show appreciation for gifts. If you want to give him another chance to learn to show his gratitude, you can set up rules, like he must give you notice of when the fund are due, what they are for, a thank you anytime you pay his tuition or fees, a note or call about what he's doing in school.

    My daughter received an alum scholarship from her school. Each recipient is required to send a thank you note (through the FA office) to the alum or family of the alum thanking the alum for the gift. I think this is a great program as the alums actually know who gets their money and puts a personal touch on it. It also shows students that actual people are behind the money, not just a nameless face or bank account. Are some of them ungrateful? I'm sure they are, but if they don't write the note, they don't get them money. There is a hold on the funds until the FA office receives the thank you note.

  • SouthFloridaMom9SouthFloridaMom9 Registered User Posts: 3,446 Senior Member
    Wow. What is your relationship with his parents like? Where do you think all this is coming from?

    This is a trait that will not serve him well, and if you don't address it somehow (and I'm not sure the best way to address it) you are not doing him any favors.
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