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Daughter lost her scholarship

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Replies to: Daughter lost her scholarship

  • WISdad23WISdad23 Registered User Posts: 942 Member
    Assuming that she did not have some sort of mental issue, which seems unlikely given your overall level of awareness, then she simply washed out. I would disagree that her priorities were not straight - it was precisely her priorities which caused the problem.

    Although it is a hard call for a parent, I would cut off the college funding. Nothing like a full-time job and paying taxes to recalibrate priorities.
  • Sportsman88Sportsman88 Registered User Posts: 1,584 Senior Member
    I think working for a year should be an option. She can save money. Learn the value of money and why an eduacation is important. Then you could consider paying some portion of college from half to full if she's proven herself. Unfortunately, I've seen other fail freshman year and go right to community college without lessons learned and the results were poor.

    I would see if you could get a breakdown and grades and assignments to see if there are patterns in exams, papers, participation, homework, etc. Any analysis can help to see if it's an in classroom issue, outside issue, a point where everything collapsed pointing to a traumatic event, etc.
  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus Registered User Posts: 76,689 Senior Member
    4all4girls wrote:
    Well, she's lost her scholarship and I'm not only disappointed, but I don't think it's fair to help "fund" her education because she had the scholarship and wasted it. I don't want to waste my money either!

    Note that your continuing willingness to fund college for her need not be all or nothing. However, if the current college after losing the scholarship becomes more expensive than you had budgeted for and told her during her 12th grade year, then obviously she cannot continue there, even if you are willing to continue funding to a lower level. Of course, D and F grades may change your willingness to continue funding college at even the lower level.
  • momcincomomcinco Registered User Posts: 1,070 Senior Member
    OP this must be very frustrating! I am so sorry to hear -- esp that the scholarship may be lost. If I were i your shoes I would be just as upset. Some ideas...

    1) as suggested above, contact the school and find out a definitive answer. Is it gone for good? I would actually call ahead (before she gets home) and see if they will give you any info. It would be better to know a bit beforehand since you are so angry.

    2) Find some way to deal with your frustration. I go for looooong walks when my kids are giving me headaches.

    3) Which leads to next point. Health, mental health and getting to the bottom of what is really going on.

    4) On a more positive note, sharing her life with someone may be a huge deal for her right now. Be careful not to be so angry that she is afraid to tell you "I am in love" (if she is). Not that she should throw her scholarship away for a relationship but on the other hand, imagine -- if she marries this guy, the scholarship does take second place. In an ideal situation she would balance it all but....well, life happens.

    Come to terms with the idea that she may have had her chance, and she may have blown it. You have other kids to provide for, and you will not be able to salvage this financially if she lost the scholarship. Try to face your emotions honestly about this. It is a sad fact of life that we can't give our kids everything (and we can't force them to appreciate things, either). You might feel guilt, rage, sorrow, whatever. It is perfectly understandable. Just perhaps not to her. Kids have a very different perception of time and possibility and responsibility. She may not get the enormity of what she has done right now, but someday she will. Think of her 25 years from now, looking back. Let her remember how firm yet supportive you were.

    There are many paths to an MSW. Hers may take a more roundabout route. Or she may have to do something else. But if you can find a way to minimize your own stress (and place responsibility of work/college more squarely on her shoulders) you can face this knowing that you have done your best, now it is up to her to step up and figure out some next steps.


  • GoNoles85GoNoles85 Registered User Posts: 781 Member
    OP,

    If you don't want to pay, don't pay. Tell her why you are cutting off the funds. Tell her you are mad. Very mad. Don't pussy foot around the issue(s) either. Straight talk. No equivocation either. Be clear. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Never bluff. If you don't mean it don't say it. Give her a chance to explain herself. Listen. Be fair and reasonable. Calm down. Think about it. Ask follow up questions after a few days. Check with husbands, wives, spouses, whatever. Then tell her how to earn back your trust and your money. That is what I would do. And I am very rarely wrong. About anything.
  • GMTplus7GMTplus7 Registered User Posts: 14,567 Senior Member
    Before S1 headed off to college with a generous merit scholarship, we told him the cautionary take of his 2 cousins mentioned in post#15.

    We made it clear to him that if he doesn't do his part, then neither shall we.

  • twoinanddonetwoinanddone Registered User Posts: 21,879 Senior Member
    If either of my children lost their scholarships, I wouldn't necessarily think it was because they were partying or not taking college seriously. One has some learning issues and the other is in a tough engineering school. However, it wouldn't matter what the reason was, I can't pay, borrow, or steal the money they'd need to remain at the school.

    I'd just feel a lot more compassion for them losing it because of a 'good' reason than I would if either was crowned party princess. Result would be the same (couldn't return to school) but my attitude would be different.
  • ordinarylivesordinarylives Registered User Posts: 3,195 Senior Member
    Very practically, if she needed the scholarship to attend and the scholarship is gone, there's no choice but plan B. Hopefully, you can figure out a plan B together. I don't hold out a lot of hope for an appeal for a student who had all D's and F's.

    I know you're upset, but your daughter is not the first to flame out and she certainly won't be the last. I've worked with college freshmen for a couple,of decades and can tell you that relationships (starting them, ending them, staying in them) derail a lot of young people, especially those without, as you put it, common sense. There's no parent sending the beloved home or insisting that the phone gets put away so homework gets done. We forget that the prefrontal cortex is still maturing, and with any maturation process, it happens later in some than others.
  • prospect1prospect1 Registered User Posts: 1,432 Senior Member
    Ugh.

    I think D owes you a very complete and detailed explanation. Kids don't usually earn 100% full rides without a lot of careful and loving upbringing from parents like you. Your hopes and dreams must feel just as dashed as her own.

    Once you get that explanation, you might feel a lot more sympathetic to how this all came about - or you might feel more angry - but either way, the wound needs to be fully and completely cleaned out.

    If D lost the scholarship for "unsympathetic" reasons, I really like the idea of D taking a year off to work. She needs to understand the value of what she lost.

    If D has experienced tragic events that you may not be aware of, perhaps some counseling with a gentle re-entry into the academic world (community college, say) would be in order....with a more focused game plan to follow.

    And, as many have advised, I would make sure to contact the college and determine what, if anything, could be done to reinstate the scholarship.

  • Marakov29Marakov29 Registered User Posts: 114 Junior Member
    I would definitely see if you can get that scholarship reinstated. While community college or taking a year off to work may be good for teaching her a lesson, doing so would also mean giving up that scholarship for good and then you'd be looking at two years of CC tuition and two years of full-pay at a university. Although if the scholarship is gone forever it's a moot point.
  • OldFashioned1OldFashioned1 Registered User Posts: 113 Junior Member
    edited May 2016
    Sorry to be blunt, but she's partying and shacking up with a boy and checked out — and she assumes mommy will save the day and pay her tuition in the fall, so the FREEDOM can continue. She thinks you'll be too embarrassed to make her come home and attend community college.

    Failing all classes requires SERIOUS tune out. Not going to class, wasn't doing homework, wasn't studying, & bombed midterms. I'm going to assume the boy is a loser (a straight A boy isn't going to find it attractive for his gf to skip all her classes), so I'd be very worried about a surprise, if you catch my drift.
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