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Daughter lost her scholarship

4all4girls4all4girls 4 replies2 threads New Member
My daughter is 18, completed her first year of college. She's smart, but truly lacks common sense. We've known this for many years. She doesn't seem to understand simple things that even her sisters 12,11, & 7 understand. She chose to go to a college that offered her a full ride, plus a stipend which is 5 hours away. We were only responsible for snacks and dorm supplies.
We text or talk daily.
First semester went ok, second semester, she did horrible. Like Ds and Fs only. Her answer is I don't know what happened, I had headaches and my back hurt! She went to dr. on campus a total of 5 times. Well, she's lost her scholarship and I'm not only disappointed, but I don't think it's fair to help "fund" her education because she had the scholarship and wasted it. I don't want to waste my money either! They will allow her to come back to school, but she can't get loans and has no way to pay for it. Whst do you think is reasonable? I'm so mad at her I can't even stand to see her coming.
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Replies to: Daughter lost her scholarship

  • lostaccountlostaccount 5331 replies90 threads Senior Member
    edited May 2016
    If I were in your shoes I'b be more concerned about what happened and I'd me worried that my kid had some serious problems. If you said she was in a very rigorous engineering school and so she tanked in very difficult classes that would be re-assuring. I'm not getting that sense from your post. What do you think happened? I'd want to figure that out with her first before deciding how to proceed and "I don't know" would not cut it with me.
    edited May 2016
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  • twoinanddonetwoinanddone 24580 replies19 threads Senior Member
    She should find out her options for getting the scholarship reinstated. If she retakes the courses at a community college, will they let her replace the grades? Is there any way to get the scholarship back? If not, that school is no longer affordable. My kids are in that situation and they know they can't go to the current schools if they don't keep the scholarships, eligibility for federal loans and grants. It's just the reality.

    You need to let your daughter lead the discussion. What does she want to do? What does she think is the problem?
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  • albert69albert69 3191 replies56 threads Senior Member
    It's going to be a rough time for your daughter and yourself. One thing though - comparing your children gains you nothing. They might have all been raised in the same environment, but they are all different people. Some of them may make more sense to you, true. But comparing them doesn't really help anything.
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  • LindagafLindagaf 10515 replies578 threads Super Moderator
    Agree about com college. It took me three years of wasting time at CC before I was ready to get serious about college. Thank goodness I didn't waste my parent's money by going right into a university. I wasn't ready, sounds like she isn't either. And you know her best, it sounds like really has made a mess of things by being irresponsible. I too was irresponsible, plain and simple. I knew it, and I bet your D does too, whihc is why she hasn't come up with a better reason.
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  • GMTplus7GMTplus7 14268 replies297 threads Senior Member
    edited May 2016
    First, you need to find out whether the issue was due to some type of disability or due to partying./gaming/slacking

    A niece and a nephew of mine, 10 years apart, each lost her/his merit scholarship freshman year due to partying. Both sets of parents completely pulled the educational funding plug.

    The niece moved in w the mom and got a job and took college courses part time. Despite still not haven't earned her bachelors degree at 40, she's managed to move herself up the career ladder by being smart & determined.

    The nephew joind the Army and ended up deplying to Afghanistan. He returned to school on the GI Bill and is serious now.

    Both the niece & the nephew say losing their merit scholarships was one of the best things that happened to them. It was The Big Wake Up Call.

    edited May 2016
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  • WISdad23WISdad23 934 replies10 threads Member
    Assuming that she did not have some sort of mental issue, which seems unlikely given your overall level of awareness, then she simply washed out. I would disagree that her priorities were not straight - it was precisely her priorities which caused the problem.

    Although it is a hard call for a parent, I would cut off the college funding. Nothing like a full-time job and paying taxes to recalibrate priorities.
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  • Sportsman88Sportsman88 1572 replies13 threads Senior Member
    I think working for a year should be an option. She can save money. Learn the value of money and why an eduacation is important. Then you could consider paying some portion of college from half to full if she's proven herself. Unfortunately, I've seen other fail freshman year and go right to community college without lessons learned and the results were poor.

    I would see if you could get a breakdown and grades and assignments to see if there are patterns in exams, papers, participation, homework, etc. Any analysis can help to see if it's an in classroom issue, outside issue, a point where everything collapsed pointing to a traumatic event, etc.
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  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus 82836 replies738 threads Senior Member
    4all4girls wrote:
    Well, she's lost her scholarship and I'm not only disappointed, but I don't think it's fair to help "fund" her education because she had the scholarship and wasted it. I don't want to waste my money either!

    Note that your continuing willingness to fund college for her need not be all or nothing. However, if the current college after losing the scholarship becomes more expensive than you had budgeted for and told her during her 12th grade year, then obviously she cannot continue there, even if you are willing to continue funding to a lower level. Of course, D and F grades may change your willingness to continue funding college at even the lower level.
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  • momcincomomcinco 1047 replies23 threads Senior Member
    OP this must be very frustrating! I am so sorry to hear -- esp that the scholarship may be lost. If I were i your shoes I would be just as upset. Some ideas...

    1) as suggested above, contact the school and find out a definitive answer. Is it gone for good? I would actually call ahead (before she gets home) and see if they will give you any info. It would be better to know a bit beforehand since you are so angry.

    2) Find some way to deal with your frustration. I go for looooong walks when my kids are giving me headaches.

    3) Which leads to next point. Health, mental health and getting to the bottom of what is really going on.

    4) On a more positive note, sharing her life with someone may be a huge deal for her right now. Be careful not to be so angry that she is afraid to tell you "I am in love" (if she is). Not that she should throw her scholarship away for a relationship but on the other hand, imagine -- if she marries this guy, the scholarship does take second place. In an ideal situation she would balance it all but....well, life happens.

    Come to terms with the idea that she may have had her chance, and she may have blown it. You have other kids to provide for, and you will not be able to salvage this financially if she lost the scholarship. Try to face your emotions honestly about this. It is a sad fact of life that we can't give our kids everything (and we can't force them to appreciate things, either). You might feel guilt, rage, sorrow, whatever. It is perfectly understandable. Just perhaps not to her. Kids have a very different perception of time and possibility and responsibility. She may not get the enormity of what she has done right now, but someday she will. Think of her 25 years from now, looking back. Let her remember how firm yet supportive you were.

    There are many paths to an MSW. Hers may take a more roundabout route. Or she may have to do something else. But if you can find a way to minimize your own stress (and place responsibility of work/college more squarely on her shoulders) you can face this knowing that you have done your best, now it is up to her to step up and figure out some next steps.

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