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Did you expect your OOS kid to come home after graduation?

LBad96LBad96 3442 replies57 postsRegistered User Senior Member
Because apparently that's the expectation and desire in my household. They want me to head back to NJ after I graduate, yet they let me go to a different part of the country...they've even gone so far as to say they wouldn't have let me go OOS if they knew I wouldn't head back to Jersey.

More venting later, but I want some parents' perspective on this: if you let your kid go to school OOS, did you expect them to return to the state after graduation? Why or why not? If they did come home, was it a desire (or necessity) on their part or an obligation from your end?
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Replies to: Did you expect your OOS kid to come home after graduation?

  • beth's mombeth's mom 3256 replies110 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    I would not have been surprised if my daughter, who went 12 hours away to school, returned home. We live in the suburbs of a large city that would have been a natural place for her to find a job. However, I also am not surprised that she chose to stay in the state where she attended college. That's fine with me - it's her life and she should live it where she wants to. I went to college in the state where I grew up (Pennsylvania), but I haven't lived within a few hours of there since college graduation. Only one of my five siblings lives there - the rest of us are scattered widely. My husband grew up in a state adjacent to ours, but he's not living near home either. So to us it seems natural to NOT end up back at home.
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  • intparentintparent 36291 replies644 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    edited May 2017
    Ironically, D2 is headed to a Phd program 3 hours from where she grew up (but we live across the country now). I'd love to live near them. But have no requirement that they do so. I'd just be vague about your plans for now...
    edited May 2017
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  • DadTwoGirlsDadTwoGirls 5270 replies1 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    One of my daughters went to university out of state. The other is about to start at a university out of the country (in Canada). I think that there is at most a 50% chance that each will return to the state where they grew up and where my wife and I still live. They will both be adults by the time that they graduate and they get to choose where to live.
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  • SyrAlumSyrAlum 548 replies20 postsRegistered User Member
    We sent D across the country to a school and on the east coast.

    Did I hope she would come back to LA? Yes
    Did I expect she would come back? No
    Is she coming back? No, she's moving to NYC in two weeks, after graduation.

    I am hopeful she will be back on the left coast eventually. She will be working for a big 4 accounting firm and sees some value in working for the corporate office for 2-3 years but then would like to make her way west. Interestingly, she likes the east coast but despises the weather. You can take the girl out of California...Of course, there is also a boyfriend in the picture who will also be in NYC working at one of those big tech firms headquartered in Northern CA. Maybe eventually...but I seem to be getting ahead of myself here. ;)
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  • rhododendronrhododendron 316 replies17 postsRegistered User Member
    edited May 2017
    I hope my kids end up somewhere I want to visit. We will encourage them to go wherever they want to be. I suspect one will settle in the general area where she grew up. I would not be surprised if the other settled abroad. They are both at schools a day's drive away.

    We plan to end up somewhere the kids want to visit.
    edited May 2017
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  • HarvestMoon1HarvestMoon1 6200 replies28 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    No not at all. My D has interned every summer and has only come home for a few weeks every August since she started college. Right now looks like she will end up in NYC. Think it is pretty standard for graduates to go where they accept a job offer. Expecting a student to come home would limit their opportunities substantially.
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  • happy1happy1 22649 replies2223 postsVerified Member Senior Member
    For you the excellent news is that your parents expect you to stay at and graduate from UNCW.

    Other than that, take one step at a time. I'd tell them you plan on coming back to keep the peace..... but if you end up getting a job elsewhere after graduation and you are self-supporting then you can take it from there.

    FWIW both of my kids came back to NY and now are in NYC.
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  • CALSmomCALSmom 740 replies8 postsRegistered User Member
    My S wanted to get out of California and experience somewhere totally different for college so he's in central New York. He hasn't complained about the winter season but I'm sure it's a drag coming from virtually 12 months of nice weather. We supported his decision as long as it was financially prudent. We've put no expectation for him to return to SoCal but we have always been welcoming. I've gone as far as saying "If you move near us, marry and have kids your dad and I are more than willing to babysit and give you and your wife opportunities to get away." LOL!

    Anyway, we've told him no pressure to have a job upon graduation and that he's welcome to come home to take his time to job search. I'm afraid his school location will influence where he finds a job. I would imagine if that is the case, he'll end up in NYC after graduating.

    For the lifestyle he wants to have I see him on the west coast...but we will see how his summer internships turn out as these usually turn into permanent job offers after graduation.
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  • UPenn20UPenn20 1 replies0 postsRegistered User New Member
    DS is in college 3000 mile away. All of his friends from college seem likely to remain out there so I'm sure that will be a big pull. However I've already dangled the bribe of free housing (a family rental property that he could live in for well below cost and subsidize by taking in a roommate) and that seems to have piqued his interest, at least to save money while working at a first job. We will see... it would definitely be my preference.
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  • twoinanddonetwoinanddone 22418 replies14 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    I hope they'll get jobs, and they'll live near their jobs. My daughter's boyfriend has graduated and returned to his home in...New Jersey! D says she's not moving to NJ. She has one year of college left, so we'll see if she misses him enough to move to NJ.

    Other daughter goes to school in Wyo and it's equal distance to my home and to her boyfriend's home (also in Wyo). She lived there last summer and didn't like it at all, so I doubt she'll move there. More jobs here.

    You need to decide where you want to live, and find a job in that place, whether it be near your family or in Texas or California or NC. A job is the key. Why did they let you go? Really, you're asking that after you refused to go to school in NJ or any of the other places your parents wanted you to go?
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  • twoinanddonetwoinanddone 22418 replies14 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    ^^He doesn't have a job.
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  • DadTwoGirlsDadTwoGirls 5270 replies1 postsRegistered User Senior Member
    "He doesn't have a job."

    If OP is unemployed after graduation then my sympathies have just shifted to the parent's side.

    I don't think that I would financially support my kids to live away from home after graduation, at least not for more than a month or two. If they did get a job I would help them get set (such as providing first and last month's rent so that they can get established).
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  • Gigem86Gigem86 87 replies12 postsRegistered User Junior Member
    I live in SF Bay Area and most oos kids want to move back here. However they will be living at home which can be a drag. Jobs r good but unless u can triple up in a studio (yes it's that bad) most can't afford an apt. My D in school in Texas says she wants to move back but if she gets an awesome job in a major city that sees no snow, I think she'll take it.
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  • SweetbeetSweetbeet 565 replies30 postsRegistered User Member
    edited May 2017
    I don't expect my son to come back here to live (even though we live in Hawaii, a place many people would love to live, or at least think they would). He prefers life on the mainland, there are way more jobs there, and he has friends and a partner there. I knew when he left that he would probably not come back, except for visits. But I do expect him to be self-supporting after college. If he didn't have work, I might help for a few months, but then I would want him to come home if I had to support him. I can't afford to carry two households.

    I didn't go home either, after college - I was raised in Maryland, went to school in Michigan, and then went to upstate NY where I lived for 24 years (and went to law school). After my dad died, my mom actually moved to the town where my sister and I lived, and she followed us to Hawaii too (with our blessing, she was 80 at the time).
    edited May 2017
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