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Did you expect your OOS kid to come home after graduation?


Replies to: Did you expect your OOS kid to come home after graduation?

  • austinmshauriaustinmshauri Registered User Posts: 6,669 Senior Member
    Your use of the word "guide" is why. This is her journey, not yours. Offering an opinion is one thing; guiding decisions is another. She deserves to make this decision without your prejudices. Since you seem to find it difficult to be impartial regarding anything having to do with NJ, you should step away.
  • LBad96LBad96 Registered User Posts: 3,499 Senior Member
    edited May 2017
    @austinmshauri that was honestly a reflex word. I'll put in my opinion, but I'll let her know the final decision is hers and hers alone. I respectfully disagree with stepping away totally, especially considering earlier in this very thread, I was told that I'd be a "rotten" big brother if I didn't at least try to advocate for my siblings going OOS if they wanted to. The restrictions, it turns out, aren't as financial as you seem to think...especially considering how expensive NJ publics are.

    EDIT: where did I even use the word "guide" at all?
  • wis75wis75 Registered User Posts: 12,991 Senior Member
    Ditto on other parents words to BACK OFF. Of course she has the final say but you can interfere by trying to be helpful and she may ignore good choices because they came from YOU. I have an older sister and it is so annoying to never get to do things first. She needs to take charge without big brother getting in the way. Your "wisdom" et al is not appreciated- and will come off as overbearing.

    Your only job is with your parents- telling them siblings deserve the same chance to go OOS. You can reassure them your sister is not you with your attitudes. From your posts you may be doing more damage than good with your parents if your approach is the same.
  • LBad96LBad96 Registered User Posts: 3,499 Senior Member
    @wis75 okay, that's understood.
  • TheAtlanticTheAtlantic Registered User Posts: 1,973 Senior Member
    I'll let her know the final decision is hers and hers alone.

    Speaking from personal experience, the decision wasn't mine alone. For most people, the final decision won't be their's alone, and I'd assume your final decision wasn't your's alone either. Whether or not you think it's best for your parents to loosen their grip, I think you need to come to terms with the fact that they might not (in regards to your desires and your sister's desires).
  • momocarlymomocarly Registered User Posts: 471 Member
    Mine will be going OOS in the fall. Plan is for him to be there through vet school. I would love for him to come back to this state but don't think he will come back to this city (not great for his career plan). I don't think he will stay were he is going to school either. Kansas is not his dream state! He will go where his career takes him. I will miss him but will be proud of him. Who knows some day I may follow him. The only reason he will come back to our state is if he and his girlfriend manage to make it through all those years (which I would love but doubt will happen).
  • techmom99techmom99 Registered User Posts: 2,613 Senior Member
    If your plan is to stay in NC after you graduate, suck it up and live and work at home this summer. That $300 can be put into an account to grow to put towards security on your first apartment rather than being spent this summer. Being a grownup is challenging and not everything is fun. You have to take not so pleasant things (like being in NJ this summer) to achieve more positive long term goals (living in NC after graduation).

    My D came home the first summer but then had jobs with summer programs at school the next two summers. The 2 summers after that she spent at her then bf's family's home, which was only about 2 hours from us, but we barely saw her. She was in a 5 year program. She lived with us the summer after that, when she quit her teaching job and was beginning a fellowship in August. Her lease ended in June so she stayed home to save some money.
  • LBad96LBad96 Registered User Posts: 3,499 Senior Member
    @techmom99 ...I've already decided to stay home for the summer. Don't worry

    @LucieTheLakie I feel you. I don't know how my parents could send me down South and not expect me to like it enough to possibly stay after graduation.
  • LucieTheLakieLucieTheLakie Registered User Posts: 3,936 Senior Member
    @LBad96, it's not really about how much any of us "likes" a location (otherwise, many of us would be employed at the beach or in the mountains or in one of the world's capitals). It's about the reality of the marketplace for jobs, and the fact that it's easier in many professions to get a job near where you attended school (because the employers are familiar with its grads and the sheer number of them).

    Correct me if I'm mistaken, but you were the one driving the choice to go to school in NC, and your parents would have preferred you stay nearby, or at least in the northeast. In our situation, I was the one pushing my son to consider a couple of southern schools, because I knew they WANTED students like him, whereas he was less likely to stand out up here. Mind you, at the time, all things being equal, the preference of everyone in our family was that he remain within a couple of hours of driving distance, just for logistics reasons. And he had some options along those lines - but they could not compare to the package he was being offered where he eventually ended up. Part of me really wanted him to go somewhere different, to get out of his "bubble," so I really pushed schools in the Midwest too, but he didn't care for the one that was financially feasible when all was said and done.

    You need to match your strengths with the demand for students (and soon graduates) like you. If that takes you back north, and even NJ, don't fight it. If your best options are in the south (or somewhere else), your parents will learn to adjust, and it will much easier for them to do so once you're earning your own way in the world and paying off those loans! :)

    Keep in mind, that competition for jobs in NC may be heavy too. Try to keep an open mind - lots of great opportunities are out there in "less desirable" states, all over the US. Earning a good salary, with the potential for growth, can make even a ho-hum location look pretty good starting out. Especially if it's in close proximity to a good airport.
  • MaineLonghornMaineLonghorn Super Moderator Posts: 34,388 Super Moderator
    MODERATOR'S NOTE: @LBad96, if your sister wants advice, she can post here. We don't allow people to post questions for other people. I am closing this thread because I've think you've gotten all the advice people can give you.
This discussion has been closed.