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Did you expect your OOS kid to come home after graduation?

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Replies to: Did you expect your OOS kid to come home after graduation?

  • twoinanddonetwoinanddone Registered User Posts: 12,194 Senior Member
    ^^He doesn't have a job.
  • DadTwoGirlsDadTwoGirls Registered User Posts: 1,170 Senior Member
    "He doesn't have a job."

    If OP is unemployed after graduation then my sympathies have just shifted to the parent's side.

    I don't think that I would financially support my kids to live away from home after graduation, at least not for more than a month or two. If they did get a job I would help them get set (such as providing first and last month's rent so that they can get established).
  • Gigem86Gigem86 Registered User Posts: 99 Junior Member
    I live in SF Bay Area and most oos kids want to move back here. However they will be living at home which can be a drag. Jobs r good but unless u can triple up in a studio (yes it's that bad) most can't afford an apt. My D in school in Texas says she wants to move back but if she gets an awesome job in a major city that sees no snow, I think she'll take it.
  • SweetbeetSweetbeet Registered User Posts: 544 Member
    edited May 12
    I don't expect my son to come back here to live (even though we live in Hawaii, a place many people would love to live, or at least think they would). He prefers life on the mainland, there are way more jobs there, and he has friends and a partner there. I knew when he left that he would probably not come back, except for visits. But I do expect him to be self-supporting after college. If he didn't have work, I might help for a few months, but then I would want him to come home if I had to support him. I can't afford to carry two households.

    I didn't go home either, after college - I was raised in Maryland, went to school in Michigan, and then went to upstate NY where I lived for 24 years (and went to law school). After my dad died, my mom actually moved to the town where my sister and I lived, and she followed us to Hawaii too (with our blessing, she was 80 at the time).
  • twogirlstwogirls Registered User Posts: 5,304 Senior Member
    edited May 12
    @LBad96 I agree.... the good news is that you appear to be staying at UNC-W. I would not bring up the subject of returning to NJ- you still have 2 years left. Wait until you get closer to graduation and see how things pan out.

    One of my kids returned close to home and I expect her to stay here. I don't expect my other one to come back. I expect her to either go right to grad school OOS, or get an OOS job for a year before heading to grad school. Of course there is always the chance that she will find a year long position close to home and commute for a bit.... who knows. It's still too early to tell. TBH- right now I am happy that she has a major and found a great internship with opportunities that may take her into next summer and beyond. I decided it's best to only "worry" about things 3-6 months into the future or I may drive myself crazy. Graduation is 2 years off.
  • LindagafLindagaf Registered User Posts: 5,883 Senior Member
    edited May 12
    @LBad96 , this seems to be a great incentive for you to have a job lined up post-grad. Your parents can't force you to move home after you finish college. If that means you have to toe the line until you graduate, so be it. Keep them happy by doing well in school, and be prepared to head into the world in a couple years' time.

    As far as your ? goes, I will not expect my kids to move back home when they leave college. I imagine I will be shoving them out the door if they stick around too long.
  • momofthreeboysmomofthreeboys Registered User Posts: 14,826 Senior Member
    edited May 12
    No the two olders did not come home after graduation. All 3 knew we had no plans to support them financially after college so the two that have graduated had jobs and a place to live after graduation. Families are different about these things and all of ours knew the financial line in the sand was graduation so there was no surprises. We are firm and loving parents and we're super proud of them for making the transition to independence.
  • Ballerina016Ballerina016 Registered User Posts: 1,493 Senior Member
    DD is attending school on the opposite coast. We hope she will return home after graduation. There are plenty of jobs in her field of study here, but you never know. We don't demand she return home. We hope she does.
  • jym626jym626 Registered User Posts: 51,050 Senior Member
    Typo above. Smile and move on to other topics.
    Both our s live across country. We miss them but are happy for them. Older s lived a state away after college, then happened to take a job in our community. However, he met his now wife here and followed her across country when she was sent there for a fellowship. It is what it is. It's you really life, not theirs.
  • ordinarylivesordinarylives Registered User Posts: 2,844 Senior Member
    Don't fight a fight that doesn't need to be fought. This is 2 years away. For now, say nothing. Smile and nod. Deflect. As @Lindagaf said, just have that job lined up before graduation and go there instead of NJ. Or have some jobs and roommates, enough to be self-supporting, while you look for something better in the area where you want to live.

    My children did not go to school far away. One was local, even. After graduation, the local one left and the next one is planning on it. My feeling is the time to leave and explore and live anywhere they want is now, when they're single and childless. Not only don't I think they should come back "home," I WANT them to go. Oh, and once they're all moved away, maybe I want to go someplace new, too!
  • LBad96LBad96 Registered User Posts: 3,466 Senior Member
    edited May 12
    Okay, you all make good points, especially about not worrying about that right now. I'll update my other thread in a bit, as school has ended and I am home now.

    I created this thread because last week was kinda a whirlwind. I told my family that I intended to stay in Wilmington for the summer, but I made the mistake of only telling them during finals week...and over text. BIG mistake. Another big mistake was failing to call them at a designated time (the evening after my last final) to talk about it. They got so incensed that they nearly withdrew support for me to attend UNCW. Apparently the implication was that I wasn't coming home at all this summer..so I had to come back home ASAP to fix things.

    Luckily, after I came back and got to see them face-to-face, my mom at least understood why I wanted to remain in Wilmington this summer and felt that my rationale for doing so - wanted to set legitimate roots down there, all my friends are there, my social life has improved tenfold since going to school there, I still don't know the city as well as I think I should after two years, my life functions better down there - was sound enough. But then she said yesterday that they probably wouldn't have let me go to school OOS (or at least so far away) if they knew that meant that I wasn't planning on living in Jersey again, and how this area is supposedly better for what I want to do (International Business + French) and how my dad has had plans for me to take over his business in the future...yet my mom's never liked this area any more than I have and just last year wanted to move to NC potentially. Dad's still a little upset, as he felt a bit abandoned by my original summer plans. I've told him several times that it was 100% locational and 0% familial, but still he thinks it was because I didn't want to see them. So that's incredibly frustrating. And apparently now they're not letting my younger siblings go OOS. My mom says I should apply for a summer job here, but I want to apply to places both here and there just to see what would happen (internship search didn't work out, I even persistently followed up and everything). It's just that last summer was very boring, and I didn't get to see my HS friends as often as I would've anticipated. I was trying to avoid that scenario this time, especially because I just can't get comfortable up here because of my past. We will see. I may still at least get to visit Wilmington this summer and/or go back a day or two earlier in August.

    I just wanted some parents to help me rationalize all of this. My friends all say that they're trying to rob me of my freedom and that they're going to have to let me go eventually, and that I need to do what's best for me. I do generally agree that it's a little too early to be seriously talking about this. At the end, I'm just happy to be staying at the school I love. No point pulling me out to be local when I'm halfway through anyways, especially when I would look at my degree as worthless if I didn't like the school I graduated from. I definitely view coming home after graduation as something that should be a mutual want as opposed to something I feel is forced on me because of other issues.
  • SouthFloridaMom9SouthFloridaMom9 Registered User Posts: 3,118 Senior Member
    No, we do not have that expectation and our son goes to school 2 blocks from our house. Our other son lives out west.

    Agree with others - not the time for this conversation. No need to get your parents worked up.
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