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How do you help your kid deal with rejection?


Replies to: How do you help your kid deal with rejection?

  • CCtoAlaskaCCtoAlaska Registered User Posts: 320 Member
    Why is she not interested in language study in the US? That one is a little peculiar. You have to start somewhere...
  • HarryBerryHarryBerry Registered User Posts: 9 New Member
    When facing a potential rejection/failure I remind my kids that they ARE NOT their application. The forms represent a one aspect of themselves, and some people present better on paper than others. Its also true that some kids are more mature, evolved and accomplished by age 18 than others, and will present better to college admissions. This is by no means the end of the race. Many kids peak in high school... were supported heavily by parents and were polished like a ripe little apple. My husband and I were lack-luster high school students but peaked in college and went on to law and medical school. We now own six different companies, ranging from pain management to a toxicology lab. I remind my kids of this- undergrad is the beginning of their story, not the end!
  • typiCAmomtypiCAmom Registered User Posts: 425 Member
    edited December 4
    @CCtoAlaska, as a heritage speaker, D is pretty fluent, her major deficiencies are spelling and grammar, and maybe some advanced/specialized vocabulary. Most standard language classes would not work for her: she’d be bored during the phonetics/reading/vocabulary portions of the class and struggling with writing correctly. That’s why her dream school is the one with a special “track” for heritage speakers, geared exactly towards kids like her. That is also the reason the program she was rejected from was not a perfect fit, but D dreamed of going to that country, living there for several weeks, practicing the language with the host family, etc. I’ve looked into some options, such as well-run summer camps in that country, ones equipped to support kids from abroad, but ruled that out due to logistics :(
  • Waiting2exhaleWaiting2exhale Registered User Posts: 2,657 Senior Member
    "My goal wasn’t to comfort her in a sense 'it wasn’t your fault you were not chosen' (ok, maybe it was, a litte bit), but to remind her that her dream will come true, just at a later time."

    I know young people can hear this, OP, and be moved to a better place by holding onto it.
  • CCtoAlaskaCCtoAlaska Registered User Posts: 320 Member
    @typiCAmom that makes a lot more sense then. I can also see why she might have been rejected from the program over that :(. It's hard to find heritage speaker classes here but it sounds like she's on the right track with it. Can she go and visit family/friends or is it not possible?
  • typiCAmomtypiCAmom Registered User Posts: 425 Member
    @CCtoAlaska, yes, she’s been to the country twice for short visits, but she hates how her grandmother parades her around relatives and elderly friends, so that’s really not the best use of her time. I researched some more and found out there may be a way for D to attend an international session at literally the best state-sponsored summer camp in that country if D can form a team and participate in a literary language competition (it’s practically impossible to buy your way into that camp, all sessions are awarded for various competitions across the country). So if she is able to pull it off and her team wins, it would also be possible to have multiple parents cooperate and chaperone kids to and from camp, making it logistically easier for each individual family. D is now super excited and is already making plans for asking potential teammates, etc. If this miraculously works out, it would be a fantastic experience for her and exactly the right fit. Of course, this competition might be even more competitive than the program she’s just been rejected from, but I think the experience of forming a team and preparing required presentations would be invaluable i and of itself.
  • rickle1rickle1 Registered User Posts: 1,271 Senior Member
    S and D handle rejection quite differently.

    S is an athlete. He knows what he needs to do to improve. He can see it and is more logical about it. He was a good baseball player in HS (4 yr varsity / 2 yr captain) but it wasn't without constant battles and fighting for a spot. He'd play great several games in a row and then coach would try someone else in his spot for several games. Although quite positive in the dugout, you could tell he was very disappointed with sitting. I'd ask him why he was "benched" and he truthfully wouldn't know but then decide it made sense to get in extra reps over the weekend to stay sharp so we'd go to the park for hours and I'd hit him hundreds of balls, etc. That attitude has always helped him grind through challenges.

    D is a strong theater performer (a living, breathing drama queen). Her whole life is about auditions and acceptance/rejection. She gets her fair share of roles but gets very mad when she doesn't get chosen. She withdraws to her room and naps, sulks, etc for a day or two. I remind her that her future is going to be full of this and she has to find a way to not get so upset each time. I try to get her to file each audition in her brain and grow from the experience vs. reliving the experience each time. Hard concept for her to grasp, especially with the group of girls at her performing arts school. They act like they're supportive (hugs / kisses) but they are really pretty cut throat. Normal girl stuff on steroids!

    The good part about both kids is they've had their fare share of "winning and losing". They know how each feels. They know it's worth doing all the work to have that great feeling of accomplishment. That will serve them well.
  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff Registered User Posts: 1,545 Senior Member
    @typiCAmom maybe I am not understanding but it sounds like your actually setting up your daughter for more rejection and failure to me. I know it's not the same thing but isn't there an immersive program she can do to help with her goals?
  • blossomblossom Registered User Posts: 9,086 Senior Member
    OP- don't let the perfect become the enemy of the good.

    ANY chance for your D to gain fluency (or near fluency, even if it involves being nice to family members) sounds like a fantastic opportunity. Sub-optimal? Maybe. Perfect? No. But fantastic in its own right? For sure.

    You are assuming that each family on the team is going to be as excited as you guys are about chaperoning, travel costs, etc. which might not be all that realistic.

    Hello grandma!
  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff Registered User Posts: 1,545 Senior Member
    Just reading @blossom post. Can she go to grandma and maybe live a bit with someone's house her own age like a neighbor? That would be very immersive. Or goes to Grandma and she hangs with people her own age etc. Usually in different countries there are actually immersive programs like schools for people wanting to learn the language. I think that can be the best of both worlds.

    There are programs you can do as a group/family /friends called workaway.


    You exchange room /board for volunteering and lots of places it's teaching English. You could exchange teaching English for an immersive experience for your daughter and maybe some friends. My daughter did this in Vietnam while traveling through Southeast Asia. Something to check out... There are other programs like this. There are pay for immersive programs also if it's within your budget. Then you can just make your own program. Just a thought

  • typiCAmomtypiCAmom Registered User Posts: 425 Member
    @Knowsstuff, I guess I am a cruel mom... I don’t want to shield my kids from failure and rejection, I want to teach them to deal with it and move on. Doesn’t stop me from hurting and commiserating with them when they hurt.

    I looked up statistics on last year’s competition 410 kids applied, 150 got selected, so odds are much better. The requirements and judging criteria are also clear, which would be a big help.

    Regarding immersion programs, I did look into them. Even the one highly praised in the U.S. had mixed reviews (ok, one review), saying that only half the class was able to keep up with the class pace, so the teacher was forced to slow down. As far in-country study programs, as I mentioned they are not teen-specific, and I don’t feel comfortable yet sending her to a program where she’d be surrounded mostly by adults. She is tall and gorgeous and may look like an 18 year old, but is still uncomfortable with strangers making unwanted advances.
  • typiCAmomtypiCAmom Registered User Posts: 425 Member
    @blossom, that’s the thing. D will get plenty of chances to improve her language once she goes to college, so it’s not a zero sum situation. If there were no alternatives, then yes, staying with relatives and being bored to death might be worth it. The only one somewhat close in age to D is my niece who is in medical school and will be an intern this summer, so barely time to sleep :(

    I just think D would enjoy her summer more if she stays home, gets a job, hangs out with friends, etc. And a few years later, as a young adult, she would get lots of opportunities to travel abroad to study, or work, or volunteer, etc.

    As for the team I mentioned - D would need to find those 4 teammates herself, so she would need to recruit those who’d be just as excited to attend as she, whose parents would be on board, etc. I realize it would be a pretty difficult undertaking, a lot harder than say forming a school club, but a lot more rewarding, too. If D can pull it off, I hope she feels she accomplished a lot more than writing a few essays...
  • CCtoAlaskaCCtoAlaska Registered User Posts: 320 Member
    @typiCAmom I think that sounds awesome to select another goal. I completely get not wanting to stay with family - she won't get what she needs in terms of academic preparation anyway if she does that. Good luck to her!
  • KnowsstuffKnowsstuff Registered User Posts: 1,545 Senior Member
    @typiCAmom. I give her credit. She is bouncing back and taking a leadership role. This experience sounds like an answer to one of the college essays she will have to write also.. Lol.. . I teach both my college kids (d21/s19) to make things happen for themselves and "bet" on yourself), both have reaped the awards at college of doing this. Good luck to her.
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