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Sad and disappointed: when to give up on a child's education?


Replies to: Sad and disappointed: when to give up on a child's education?

  • happymomof1happymomof1 29671 replies175 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Why are you so focused on the five year leave thing? I truly don't see how being able to return simply pending a meeting with and approval from the dean as such a horrible barrier to completing a degree at Brown if she does decide she wants and is ready to do that.
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  • brantlybrantly 3942 replies69 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Knowing nothing about depression, depending on medical and financial feasibility, you might consider to let her travel/live overseas to be in a different environment for sometime so that she can get away from academic and family/friends peer pressure and also gain different perspectives with exposure to different cultures. For example, teaching English in east Asia.
    I think this is a fabulous idea. As long as she is serious about taking her meds and does not have suicide ideation. Sometimes the human brain skips like a scratched LP until we lift the needle and place it somewhere else.
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  • PublisherPublisher 8117 replies82 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    @Emsmom1 : Consider schools with non-letter & non-numerical grading systems--such as the University of the Redlands in California--in order to reduce anxiety associated with testing, grading & ranking.
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  • lookingforwardlookingforward 34225 replies379 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    edited July 15
    @Midwest67 Took a lot of time for the therapist's message to sink in: kids learn from their own mistakes and taking responsibility for them. (Big difference between being in high school vs older.)

    We all understand OP's girl is suffering depression. Many feel that "wiring" issue is not just a matter of voluntarily perking up and taking a brighter view of things. Meds can help, just as with physical problems. Counseling for the D, absolutely.

    But when we get mired in the mud of it all, we need our own help. Partly to help us feel better and partly to truly learn how to help our child, not inadvertently perpetuate.

    Easy? Nope.
    edited July 15
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  • toomanyteenstoomanyteens 1020 replies61 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I have been there and done that -- it is incredibly hard. From the age of 18 to present (25) my daughter still hasn't managed to finish; she has change course multiple times and finished none of it.

    At this point she is never going to finish I guess -- I am just accepting it. And I am not happy because she cannot make decent money between having only her HS education and her LD, it is rough.

    But she did just get a job as a large animal vet tech at U of F so hopefully she will do well there -- benefits and all that!
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  • CountingDownCountingDown 13441 replies110 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    S2 went overseas almost 18 months ago. College was not a great experience, lots of depression and anxiety and the realization that his smarts could no longer compensate for serious LDs. Took off a semester. I admit we pushed him to finish; I was terrified that if he didn't go back, he never would. After graduation, he came home and lived with us for 2.5 years working odd jobs, not making enough to have any hope of moving out on his own. It was a terrible dynamic for all of us, and I kept getting sucked into the conflicts between S and his dad. S also was in regular therapy; having seen me go to deal with the emotional fallout of all my medical stuff (and how to extricate myself from said difficult dynamics) made it a comfortable choice for him.

    S went overseas to teach English and improve his language skills in the hopes that he'd be able to land the kinds of jobs he wants here. It has been an incredible experience for him. The cost of living there is much lower, so he is financially self-sufficient. He has found a life, friends, meaningful work beyond the teaching, and loves the country. Original plan was two years; now he's talking three. He calls it "adulting lite," but it's hard to live in a country where English is not often spoken and the culture is so different from our own. (I am continually thankful we traveled with our kids as they were growing up. A lot of things were familiar and comfortable to him.)

    That said, he had a colleague come over for the same job, his anxiety and depression overwhelmed him, and he went back home after a couple of months. Yes, going overseas could be absolutely a brilliant move, but not something I'd recommend if there are significant issues that have led to ideation or extreme swings in behavior. S got clearance from his doc and counselor and we had plans in place in case he struggled.

    And +100 on getting therapy for yourself if you are struggling with letting go or anxiety about your S/D. It's REALLY hard to let our kids make their own decisions and mistakes. I keep reminding myself of what I was doing in at my sons' ages. That keeps me focused on the fact they are *adults,* that mistakes may lead to happier endings than any of us imagined, and keeps me grateful that my sons share far more with me than I ever did with my parents.
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  • Emsmom1Emsmom1 1004 replies77 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Thanks to everyone who replied. My daughter is in therapy and on medication. I found a parenting therapist, but my husband said that was ridiculous since the therapist doesn't know our daughter. I am going to contact her current therapist to see if we can meet with her (after discussing it with my daughter).
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  • MaineLonghornMaineLonghorn 38471 replies2107 threadsSuper Moderator Super Moderator
    I'm so sorry. I think it's hard for anyone to understand unless they've been down this road. Have you looked into your state chapter of NAMI? Their Family to Family class would be very helpful for gaining perspective and wisdom in dealing with your daughter's situation. I agree that the number one priority should be helping her get stronger. She may not be able to go back to college, but don't worry about that now. Take one step at a time. My son ended up dropping out permanently, and that's been a hard pill for us to swallow. On the other hand, he's happy and stable. In comparison, my middle child, who was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder, is thriving and set to graduate from college in December. The common denominator was that we told the boys not to worry about anything other than getting help for their illnesses.
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  • lookingforwardlookingforward 34225 replies379 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    A good therapist will get a read on your D from you. And you're the patient.

    You dont want the therapist who knows her private thoughts and revelations. Only in family counseling, where she offers details or not. This is for you. And Dad, if he chooses. Many of us feel he should. But go without him, if needed.
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  • mom2andmom2and 2875 replies19 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Does having the time to go back to the college add stress to your dd? What does she want to do? It is really up to her. It is so difficult as a parent to watch our kids suffer from mental health issues and not make good choices toward improving their lives. One of mine has depression and ADD inattentive. Takes medication for the depression but has not yet been motivated to do other things that would help cope with the down days that still come. Is independent and working, but has not finished school. I have not given up hope, but have had to accept that it is now his life and his choices. I am as supportive as I can be and will also offer some observations, depending on his mood and openness at the moment. No reason not to remain cautiously optimistic that she will find the right combination of medication and therapy to move forward with living a fuller life, even while knowing there is some chance it might not happen. Therapy for yourself can really help, especially in learning how to live with the choices your dd makes.
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  • mathmommathmom 32385 replies159 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    My neighbors would be thrilled if their 30 yo son would just get a job and live on his own. He's depressed and has other health issues that he seems to be mostly in denial about, but it's hard not to feel like he should be making more progress. All he needs to do to graduate from Princeton is to write his thesis, but he just seems to be stuck. I have no answers for the OP, but lots of sympathy.
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