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Full Pay, No Loans: Does your child hide their status ?

maya54maya54 2676 replies100 threads Senior Member
Our daughter who graduated last year recently mentioned that she isn’t candid with her co-workers (other young nurses) when the subject of student loans arises. She doesn’t outright bald faced lie but she leaves the definite impression that she too has loans to pay back. She then told us that she did this in school too. She feels too uncomfortable with her good fortune. Anybody else experience this?
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Replies to: Full Pay, No Loans: Does your child hide their status ?

  • momofsenior1momofsenior1 10178 replies119 threads Senior Member
    My D definitely tries to fly under the radar about not having loans. All her friends do and she knows they struggle because they talk about it.
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  • ultimomultimom 253 replies3 threads Junior Member
    My guess is that most of us end up on both sides of these conversations. She’ll have friends with loans and she may have friends who can afford to live above their means due to family financial backing.
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  • MassmommMassmomm 4226 replies85 threads Senior Member
    My daughter ran into this a lot. She just kept quiet. My son got a merit scholarship, which is a form of aid, so he didn't feel as weird.
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  • maya54maya54 2676 replies100 threads Senior Member
    edited January 17
    “Considering that full pay without loans these days suggests that the student/graduate came from a top ~4% money family (if college was private) or top ~20% money family (if college was in-state public), social interactions with the middle income middle class (not the forum "middle class") and young adults from families in the middle income middle class could get awkward if one is known as coming from a family of money and therefore "inherited" financial advantages like being able to go to expensive college without loans.”

    True. Or close to it. It’s a huge advantage in life. Though there are assumptions about you made about the way you live that May not be true. One friend of DD who she did tell that she had no loans and full pay visited us and after told my daughter ( they are very close and very open with each other...she wasn’t being rude ) that she was surprised our house was so small and our cars so old.

    This DD is very careful about letting on. Other DD went to school and works with many people who are .01 percenters and has less awkwardness as she’s often the “ poor one” ( though obviously not in any real way)
    edited January 17
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  • adlgeladlgel 829 replies34 threads Member
    It's not just a challenge for the students, we as parents struggle with this too. We have neighbors that one would assume are in the relatively same socio-economic class as us given we live in the same neighborhood and sent our kids to the same types of OOS public universities. But their children have taken out loans (I don't know if the parents did as well). And it's clear from comments made that the children didn't take out loans just to have skin in the game (meaning the parents could have footed the whole bit but chose not to). Our children both got merit scholarships but we would have paid the full bill if they didn't with no loans for the kids. This is something we certainly don't bring up in conversation with these neighbors.
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  • itsgettingreal21itsgettingreal21 330 replies5 threads Member
    My D is very sensitive to this. She’s on a full ride, doesn’t work during the school year, gets a very generous allowance, and has obtained very lucrative internships. She realizes she is very fortunate, keeps quiet, especially about the allowance, when others are talking about loans and money struggles, and is a little too nice in my opinion in working with other students regarding dues for one club where she’s VP of finance.
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  • MusakParentMusakParent 1061 replies9 threads Senior Member
    My kid just keeps it on the down low. I've even seen weird posts about this on parent boards for my kid's college. Someone posted an article saying something like average student debt is around 30K, percentage that graduate debt free 50%. It was based on real data. Plenty of parents came out of the woodwork saying how that must be inaccurate. Their kid had much more debt, all their friends had debt, etc.

    I think it's human nature to assume everyone around you is in similar circumstances. My kid has learned a lot about his privilege through the process. But sees there are others with much more than him.
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  • ucbalumnusucbalumnus 83406 replies741 threads Senior Member
    It's a little bit like acing your classes while friends are really struggling. You just stay quiet, nod, and be empathetic.

    However, doing well in classes may be perceived differently, in that it is often seen as "earned", rather than "unearned" or "inherited" like parental money that allows one to pay for college without loans.

    Perhaps the closer analogy comes from college admissions (or getting merit scholarships), where hooked or otherwise highly advantaged admits are more likely to be resented, compared to those who get admitted despite being unhooked and without other "unearned" or "inherited" advantages. Among hooked students, it would not be surprising if LDC* students hid their LDC status for the same reason as the topic of this thread, while URM and athlete students bear the brunt of the resentment due to being more likely to be visible (and may be resented even if the college does not actually consider those as hooks, because people generally perceive them as hooks even when they are not).

    *Legacy or Lineage, Dean's list or Development, Child of faculty or staff
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  • Happytimes2001Happytimes2001 2142 replies18 threads Senior Member
    My kids aren't in college yet but won't have loans. I feel as though we have worked really hard and there were some very tough years. We have done a lot of things to ensure a good retirement and college money. My kids would likely say nothing. For us, I don't have to feel guilty as I don't buy into a lot of the earned/privilege type thinking that people should feel guilty if they are well off and can provide college for their kids. I grew up very poor and my spouse grew up middle class so having enough for us and enough for our kids was based on work effort. Still no reason to make others feel bad. I used to feel awful when I was in college on a scholarship and couldn't afford basic toiletries.

    I don't tell people we have no mortgage, many people know we sold a business ( it was public news and public data available) and many know we likely have some dough. But we drive older cars, aren't flashy and are typical Yankees. So no one could know for sure.

    Our kids were raised to be compassionate. They also do not buy into guilt-laden thinking. We've even seen some of that happen in our family between those who paid fully for their kids and those who didn't.
    I actually don't think having loans is a bad thing within reason.
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