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Frustrated at daughter for lying about college classes

rosyoftenrosyoften 1 replies1 threads New Member
I am so unbelievably angry and frustrated at my daughter right now. She’s a rising sophomore at a top university on the quarter system. This past spring, she took four classes from her school all virtually because of the pandemic. She took a few classes that were very challenging for her (a potentially political science or humanities major): Intro to CS, Statistics, and two environmental science classes. She told me in June when spring quarter ended that she received an A in all her classes… turns out that was a complete lie! Her school this past quarter was on universal pass/fail for everyone because of Corona, which I just found out yesterday because my daughter straight up LIED to my face about grading for this quarter. I logged into her computer and found out that fortunately, she did pass all her classes (not a high bar due to pass/fail).

When I asked my daughter why she lied to me, she said it was because she was afraid of telling me she was taking the easy way out of her school’s requirements. Now, even though my daughter’s strengths and interests do not lie in STEM, my husband and I still expect her (as parents who are paying tons of tuition) to try her best in rigorous and useful STEM classes her school offers. However, she took the easy way out because her school only requires four STEM classes for the least interested kids… all of which she “conveniently” took during pass/fail.

Because of the ridiculously lax grading standards for this term, she barely had to try in her classes to pass. For example, her statistics class (which is SUPER useful to her as a political science major) had a policy for spring term where anyone enrolled in the class would automatically pass. As a result, my daughter did not turn in a single assignment nor a midterm nor the final for the class… and still PASSED! Obviously, hubby and I are INFURIATED at her!

As for the Intro to CS class (which is INCREDIBLY useful in this day and age), the percent needed to pass in the class was a 60%… daughter got a 64%! That’s a D in regular grading standards, but of course it shows up as just a pass. A 64% isn’t even trying! We are so so so disappointed in my daughter for lying to us about her grades, but more importantly, the effort she put into her classes for spring quarter. Python (which is the language the Intro to CS class taught) and R (the language the Statistics class used) are VITAL 21st century skills, regardless of her major. Knowing them is ESSENTIAL to surviving the job market with a (frankly, easy) humanities degree. Hubby and I have NO WORDS to describe our disappointment and anger at our daughter for slacking off on STEM classes (that are most likely going to be the only STEM classes she’ll ever take in college).

Agh!! I’m aghast. Someone please guide us. We are so lost.
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Replies to: Frustrated at daughter for lying about college classes

  • Happytimes2001Happytimes2001 2232 replies18 threads Senior Member
    Couple of thoughts. First you sound like YOU picked the classes and not your daughter. My parents never ever picked a class or even commented on it. Also, your thought around what is a useful skill while perhaps even valid seem like a hovering parent to me.

    After that's out of the way, I'd add this. Honesty is very important to us so I would have her pay some portion of that semester for slacking off. Those scores and that approach would mean that our family money was wasted so I would expect something in return.
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  • NYMom122NYMom122 22 replies0 threads Junior Member
    FWIW, back in the day, I *just* barely got through college, mostly because I had way too much fun. And around the time that grades were sent home (or academic probation notices) I would run to the mailbox everyday to be sure my mom never saw them. I did learn some excellent life skills in college! And I have had a highly successful career, and when I went back to grad school I did very well.

    And it all comes back around, one of mine really struggled as an undergrad (and hid grades) and now is excelling in grad school.
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  • vpa2019vpa2019 684 replies18 threads Member
    edited July 8
    OP for what it’s worth I’m with you. I’d be incredibly disappointed if my child ,who clearly is smart and capable (she attends a top school), basically slacked off at the first opportunity. I’d also be extremely disappointed with the school for also taking the easy way out with pass/fail...which conveys to the students that they don’t care whether the kids do any work. She lied because she knew what she did was wrong. If she was confident in her actions she would have defended them, not hid them.

    I also think parents have every right to see their kids grades if they’re paying the bill. In many instances we aren’t talking a couple thousand dollars, we’re talking over a quarter of a million dollar investment in education. If I’m paying I get a say. If you want me out then you can pay.

    I think it’s worth having the conversation about what happened an how each of you feel about it to work towards perhaps a better understanding of what you expect from her and to find ways that she will feel more comfortable discussing classes etc... with you.
    edited July 8
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  • brantlybrantly 4319 replies78 threads Senior Member
    D must also be psychic since she registered for these classes last fall, before COVID was even a rumble.

    OP said it's a school with a quarter system (Northwestern?). I think these classes were taken during spring quarter, which means students had until early April to drop/add.

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