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Please grade my practice essay!

polar926polar926 Registered User Posts: 38 Junior Member
Hi guys, so I took the SAT a few weeks ago and I got an 8/12 on my essay (I was very disappointed, as I did very well in AP Language and I've done well in IB English 11). I'm writing 1-2 essays for my ACT in April each day, and I just wrote one... It would be really helpful if you could give me feedback (and a score) on my essay below... Here are some points I struggle with that may help you point out errors:

logic
rebuttal of my argument
being redundant
weird diction
*I know I made up the last sentence of my conclusion, but seeing that graders are usually English teachers, I figured they wouldn't know that it was false.

PROMPT:
In some states, legislators have debated whether teenagers should be required to maintain a "C" grade average in school before receiving a driver's license. Some people think this would be a good policy because having passing grades shows that students are responsible enough to be good drivers. Other people think such a policy would not be appropriate because they see no relationship between grades in school and driving skills. In your opinion, should teenagers be required to maintain a "C" average in school before receiving a driver's license?
In your essay, take a position on this question. YOU may write about either one of the two points of view given, or you may present a different point of view on this question. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

ESSAY:
Earning a driver's license – something that most teenagers dream of – has become controversial. In some areas of the United States, lawmakers have considered granting licenses only to students with grade averages above "C." Some believe that academics correlate with the ability to drive in that students with low grades are not responsible enough to drive properly. Still others believe that the two matters do not have any correlation, and so there should be no legislation to restrict whether or not students have earned their licenses based on grades. Low grades indicate questionable driving skills because driving is a cognitive activity and because low grades are generally associated with reduced reasoning skills and irresponsibility.
Obviously, academics requires reasoning. Though some argue that good driving is not related to good grades, operating vehicles involves interpreting road signs, directions, and the rules of the road. This is especially important when roads are filled with traffic and pedestrians. All drivers must be aware of who "has the right of way, " when they can turn or stop, and of speed limits. People with lower grades tend to have trouble understanding these rules, so they are more prone to endanger themselves and others. For instance, someone with an "A" grade average is more likely to understand that in a busy intersection, he or she cannot switch into the lane going in the opposite direction, in order to pass the person ahead. Someone with less scholastic aptitude and thus less knowledge on safety rules may not understand this, and could get into an accident.
Driving is not only a cognitive skill, but a skill involving absolute responsibility. Students who do not succeed well in school generally engage in activities that impede the ability to operate vehicles on the road. Such people may drink or take drugs that negatively influence focus in driving. According to scientists, such activities adversely affect the brain. In addition, those who struggle academically receive low grades due a lack of responsibility and an ability to focus, so they may text while driving. Again, these activities will affect the safety of the people inside the car, as well as others. Furthermore, lawmakers have outlawed driving "under the influence " and texting while driving, so if someone does such, he or she can be fined or charged with a crime. Disobeying the law is serious and consequently, can affect the future of a driver.
Although many teenagers are legally able to drive, more limitations should be put in place to ensure safety and the following of laws. Driving is a cognitive activity, and those who drive must be responsible. Students with below - average grades are less likely to have these traits thoroughly developed, and should only be granted licenses if and when they improve their grades. As Cabeza de Vaca once said, "people's actions must always be considered not only in regards to others, but themselves."


THANK YOU SO MUCH I REALLY APPRECIATE IT... PLEASE BE AS HARSH AS YOU CAN

Replies to: Please grade my practice essay!

  • bomerrbomerr Registered User Posts: 1,956 Senior Member
    edited March 2014
    Honestly this is the same advice I give most people in regards to their personal essays. Your writing is too generic / impersonal.

    "Though some argue that good driving is not related to good grades"
    needs to be
    "I believe good driving is not related to good grades."

    You need to infuse more of your own feeling and soul in the essay. Furthermore, the stuff you are saying stuff most people are saying. You need to backup your words with unique (read, not generic) examples, preferably personal.

    e.g. For a reason as to why grades shouldn't be linked to drivers license I would make up a hypothetical example about a women who is broke, poor, and working 3 jobs a day just to pay for her mom's medication. She can't afford to goto school and get Cs... etc. basically people IRL have issues they have to deal with.
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