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tofulovertofulover Registered User Posts: 185 Junior Member
edited July 2006 in SAT Preparation
I just need a grade and evaluation on my conclusion.

Thank you.

Prompt: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?

I wholeheartedly believe that conscience motivates people more profoundly than any amount of money, fame, or power. This unique and resolute inner voice is the foundation of all human actions; without it, the world would be torn asunder by greed and corruption. The power of the human conscience is evident in the inchoate stages of American history and in a recent Olympic competition.

The second president of a still frail and newly formed republic, John Adams had many problems in his hands. One of them was the impressment of American seamen and merchants by the British royal navy. Since America just recently split with its mother country, Britian was still seething in indignation and wanted to cripple this audacious nation which daringly resented their control. Thus, they impressed, or kidnapped American seamen and forced these hostages to work in their navy. THis treachery roused American amger and eventually led the Yankees clamoring for war. John Adams, however, refused to allow this inexperience, green nation go to war with Britian, even though he knew that he could reap up extra votes in the next election and that America coulod reap up plunder and new territories in Canada if America won. However, Adams' conscience told him that waging war against an aggrevated Britian could cripple American economy and even destroy the democratic nation which other delegates and he have worked so hard to create. In the end, Adams sacrificed electorial votes, power, power, and war plunder and listened to his conscience.

In a modern example, a talented swimmer renounces his trophy and gives it it one of his teammembers.This magnamious athlete was Michael Phellps. He did so because he felt taht he has already won his fair share of glory and fame. He has been dubbed the MVP of his swim team, competed in the prestigious Olympic games, and became a household name almost overnight. Though another trophy would further elevate his statu, he did not need this trophy to prove that to himself. THus, he selflessly gave up the trophy to his teammate. Phellps' conscience overrode his desire for fame and bettered the life of another human being.

John Adams and Michael Phellps demonstrate that conscience influences a persons decisions, actions, and thoughts more than yearnings for power and fame do. By listening only to their own inner voice of righteousness, they prevented bloodshed and helped other people. Conscience overrides other superficial lures of the world, and makes the world a more pleasant place to live for everybody.
Post edited by tofulover on

Replies to: essay

  • stuck-on-1700stuck-on-1700 Registered User Posts: 6,065 Senior Member
    This is just my opinion, but I didn't like how you started the essay with: I believe. I mean, you believe; but will that make me believe what your view on the subject is. Do you get what I'm trying to say? Make it more concrete.

    The examples were okay. But I think that with John Adams you were merely speculating. Hoe do you know his motives for not starting a war. They could have been anything; not just selflessness.
    The second one was okay and the conc was nice.
    I'd give it a 9 or a 10. :D
This discussion has been closed.