A Conversation to have with New Boarders

Albion
Thu, 08 Aug 2013 13:30:08 +0000

Wcmom,
That’s a tricky situation. I do not have a good answer off the top of my head, so I’ll work through some thoughts here and then we’ll let the other parents play counterpoint.
Kids are incredibly reluctant to say anything that is going to get one of their peers in trouble, especially when everyone knows it’s a rule violation so serious it is all but certain to get the offending student removed. Teens are very willing to keep silent about kids who are actively harming their communities–of course, they don’t see it that way. At that stage, they are developing how loyalty and “tattling” play in their lives, and at boarding school they live in this strange space where they are negotiating the adult society (teachers, administrators, dorm families, etc.) and their own society (there are complex social rules and practices that the kid at our school impose on each other that often are not in line with what the adults are trying to impart). It’s hard, and they don’t always get it right, but we keep discussing options and choices. We talk so much about academics and sports and all, but adolescents are also engaged in a major curriculum of learning how they will behave morally and socially in a setting removed from their family home. They do hear what we’re saying, but it may not actually change their behavior until years later. I like to joke that I’m planting little time bombs that will engage when the teens are ready to hear them. I recently got an email from an '07 graduate who wrote “that thing you said when I was in 10th grade? I just got it!”

For a parent hearing that there is a specific kid who is dealing prescription medication, you’re in a difficult spot. You don’t want to deal in rumors, and you are not on scene to witness what you’re hearing. On the other hand, if you are hearing from a reliable source that there is specific activity which could endanger the health and safety of kids in that community, you want to help. You could call a school dean or your kid’s advisor with the rumor, which would set off a series of delicate investigatory conversations and questions (boarding school faculty members spend a lot of time checking in with each other about various kids). Faculty live our lives knowing that there are a lot of false rumors and hearsay flying around but that it is our kids on the line if we miss a sign that something dangerous is happening. We want to find out what’s true and help as quickly as we can but we can’t turn every rumor into a witch hunt. Our school has a series of steps to investigate claims, and a student who suspects something can ask an adult to alert the proper chain of command if s/he doesn’t want to be identified. We also are assiduous in protecting the original student who raised the concerns. The head of discipline and I once spent some time thinking through various means that a particular story could’ve come to our attention in order to make sure that the accused and his friends would not turn on the kid who spoke up first. Since we live with and care for all of our students, there’s a fair amount of concern and compassion for all sides. In your situation, where the evidence of drug dealing may seem like an attempt to overthrow a political rival, it gets even more complicated. If you say something, some people will think that it’s a calculated move, so you have to weigh people’s negative opinions against the need to alert a member of the community that there is a possible substance abuse issue. If a parent did decide to contact the school, I think it’s best to keep the information clear and simple “I’m hearing this and have no way of knowing whether or not it’s true, but it sounds serious enough to pass along.” I think it’s wiser not to set expectations for the school’s action (“punish him!”) or make strong claims (“my kid never exaggerates so I know it’s true”).

I try to speak from my experience rather than make sweeping statements about all boarding schools, but I don’t think I’m at all unique as boarding school teachers go. Certainly not where I am now, where exceedingly low turnover and a lot of veteran teachers make for a strong faculty. (I’d even argue that % of advanced degrees on the faculty is a more important stat than you might think.)

All that said, I have no idea what the right answers are. I try to take each event as it comes, lead with compassion, listen very carefully, and act responsibly.