advice for parent of ASD/High functioning aspergers child

Dustyfeathers
Wed, 05 Dec 2018 15:07:14 +0000

We have a child who is similar. Brilliant to the point that it’s almost a disadvantage. And could barely get through any sort of school because of EF issues. Our solution has been a gap period – like we jokingly call it a gap decade but what we are probably seeing is more like this child is probably going to start college at age 22 if child stays on current trajectory.

I can’t stress enough how great it’s been to simply RELAX about the college timeline. The worst mistake is for your child IMHO to go to an academically rigorous school. Especially if his other issues are not addressed. Part of what will address his issues is being allowed to grow up. Brains are not fully developed until mid 20s. EF part of the brain is the last to get integrated (basically).

Our child spent 9 months after HS graduation in bedroom (agonizing period) leaving for therapy and runs with mom each morning, plus chores around the house – just to keep some sense of being a part of the world. Clearly depression was an issues. Anxiety is the flip side of depression IMO. After 9 months child walked into the living room and said that s/he had a place to live, a job, and it was about 1500 miles away. We levitated from the couch and discussed things quietly with child. Child left anyway with a pittance from his/her piggy bank, feeling rich. Another agonizing year ensued. Child returned. That was last April. Hearts, spirits, and trust were repaired. Currently child–having discovered the limits of minimum-wage fast-food work–is interviewing at internships that PAY (!!). Child found an organization in the city where we live that provides professional training for young adults ages 17-24 who are not in school and who have no work. They then send them out for interviews at real-live places that actually pay real cash. This feels like a miracle for us. I’ve never seen this child more confident, more at ease, and dressed in a nice suit and hair neatly done (room is still a disaster, but you know: priorities!) If this continues, the EF skills seem to be catching up and child should be ready for college soon–within a year or so. Plus this child will have the advantage of having worked several years, having defined his/herself somewhat and discovered interests, and I predict will have focus in college, when the time comes.

I strongly recommend letting children take lots of gap time. It’s true that twice exceptional children are children that are developing skills asymmetrically. They are gifted in one area, and deficient in another. This doesn’t surprise me as it takes until age 25 (about) for the human brain to come fully on board. The frontal lobe, which controls executive functioning, is fully integrated at around ages 24-25. Knowing this helped us relax the timeline for this child and allow him/her to develop without the constraint of school – the deadlines, the pressure, the expectations, the requirements that don’t interest etc. etc. etc. We also told this child that it’s not that s/he CAN’T go to college, s/he doesn’t seem ready yet. And that when s/he is ready, s/he will know. It will seem natural at that point.

So far this has proved true, at least in this one instance with this one child.