Advice from those with engaged kids, please...

nottelling
Mon, 21 Dec 2015 04:05:13 +0000

I have a couple of thoughts:

(1) Getting your son to admit that he and his girlfriend plan to get married after grad school is not the same as a formal engagement. It just isn’t. Lots of couples have vague plans to marry in the future and change their minds as they mature and grow. That is not the same thing as breaking off an engagement at all. So I don’t think you should be referring to them as “engaged.” Just my opinion.

(2) I personally think it is healthy to live together briefly before marriage. It is the only way to discover whether your partner’s bad habits are deal-breakers. There are some circumstances in which living together instead of marrying is a red flag (assuming one or both partners eventually want to marry someone). If two people are 33 when they start cohabitating, and they are still cohabitating five years later, it is a red flag (assuming, again that marriage is something that one/ both want in their lives eventually). But cohabitating instead of marrying at age 22 makes all the sense in the world and is a sign of common sense, not a lack of commitment.

(3) Please do NOT take it upon yourself to communicate with your son’s girlfriend about his medical condition. Personally, if I were the girlfriend, THAT would be the red flag to me, i.e. the future mother-in-law’s lack of boundaries.

(4) You cannot protect your kid from a broken heart. Not possible. Trying to insert yourself into the situation will do nothing to prevent that outcome in any event.

This sounds harsher than I mean. I’m sorry about your son’s medical problems but I’m happy that he’s able to live a fulfilling life --complete with love-- despite them. It must be terrifying for you. But you can’t protect him from emotional hurt.