Advice from those with engaged kids, please...

scout59
Mon, 21 Dec 2015 14:27:08 +0000

Fifteen months ago my D started dating a very nice young man who lived in a different city. Both are out of school and established in their careers. Six months ago my D decided she was tired of the long-distance romance thing and arranged for a transfer to the city in which her BF lives.

For now, she lives on her own - apparently it’s soon enough to move for love but too early to move in together! - but she said that a new job AND a new city was enough newness without moving in with her boyfriend. They’re still together, very much in love, and talking about moving in together in 2016 and marrying in 2017.

I’m not wild about them living together before marriage thing either- that’s just not how I’m built! But at the same time, I wasn’t thrilled about the transfer, especially since the move meant she was even further away from her parents (hmmmm. Was that the point?)

What saved me - and our relationship - was open communication. We talked about everything: my feelings (some of which were ridiculous, in retrospect), her feelings, her worries, her reasoning, her logic…Notice that most of those were “her.” Although I was honest about my feelings and concerns, I was mostly her sounding board as she worked things through. We’ve always been able to talk things out (well, except for when she was in middle school), and of course I know what the boundaries are - she’s an adult, it’s her life. I’m happy that she still chooses to keep me in it as a friend as well as her mother.

If you can talk with your son openly about your concerns without sounding blame-y or crazy, then I say the best thing is to talk to him, but not to her. (And if you CAN talk without sounding blame-y or crazy, let me know how you do it. I can always use extra pointers!)