Advice RE: ADHD son with serious struggles

momindistress
Sat, 13 Apr 2013 17:11:07 +0000

Hey all,
Thanks for the caring advice. Just to clear up a few things about him and what we’ve done so far.

He (and his older brother) were both diagnosed by licensed psychologists with ADHD when they were in 1st grade after their first grade teachers at their small private schools sat us down and said they thought their behavior might be more than “boys will be boys” and that we should have them tested. There was no pressure from the school for medication but when we met with their pediatrician (and this happened two years apart but followed the same schedule) she explained ADHD to us and how it was affecting them in great detail. They have been on ADHD meds ever since and the medication worked as it should. Their dosages were increased as they grew and really, they didn’t have any side effects from the medication other than the decreased appetite.

The older one had most of the socialization issues that affect kids with ADHD but none of the academic ones. He went on to an IB program for high school and did well academically and finally got the social thing down. He’s not as social as I am but that’s his personality so I’m O.K. with it. He’s off to a good college to study engineering in 2 months and I think he’ll do great.

The younger one (the one in distress) had none of the social issues-everybody loves him, he’s funny, has tons of friends and he can communicate quite well with adults. Academically though he has struggled since middle school. Hindsight being what it is, we should have moved him to a different school because he developed anxiety issues due to his academic performance in comparison to the other kids there. He went off to our local public high school (a different school than his brother) because we were stupid parents and thought he was “choosing” to do poorly not realizing his executive function skills were so bad. Up until 7th grade his medication was managed by his pediatrician but when it stopped working as well, we were directed to a physician who specialized in kids with ADHD and learning disorders. (this guy is awesome)

As a freshman, he took a pretty light load for this high achieving school and towards the end of third quarter we discovered on his phone texts with a new “friend” about selling and buying drugs. We contacted his specialist and he suggested the counselor/life coach. Needless to say, we grounded him and took his phone. He was severely restricted for the rest of the school year in terms of who he could see and started with the life coach.

At this point, the coach let us know about his anxiety and that unfortunately, a lot of the things we had been saying to him as encouragement through the years had probably had the opposite affect and increased his anxiety. When she pointed out his anxiety and the things he did that indicated it I felt like the biggest turd on the planet because it was really clear to us then.

Summer was busy and we truthfully don’t think he was doing drugs then-he wasn’t home much and when he was he wasn’t interacting with those kids. We do think he was drinking from our alcohol supplies though(which have since either been thrown out or locked up in such a way he can’t get to it).

We had high hopes that working with the coach would improve his grades but we continued to see problems and took privileges away in the hopes it would inspire him to do the basics (like turn homework in). He still refused to engage in outside activities though. He did manage to receive his Eagle Scout Rank and has done some community service. He has now told us that being cooped up heightened his anxiety and caused him to seek out more drugs.

We’ve enrolled him in a local intervention program designed for teenagers engaging in risky behaviors. He has gone to every session and really didn’t fight us on it. He even came home from the one where they went to the rehab center saying he never wanted to touch drugs again.

The issue we feel we are facing is we don’t think he can be successful at the school he is currently attending. His doctor, coach and myself all feel that way. These kids who he’s buying the drugs from are in his classes. Since has performed poorly academically, the school keeps dropping him further and further out of the higher level classes with the higher achieving students into the classes with the kids who don’t give a hoot about school. Additionally, his performance (and our reaction to it I admit) have increased the anxiety and his self confidence has plummeted so he’d rather hang out with those “bad” (for want of a better word) because he feels better about himself.

We have looked into the wilderness therapy camps (like the Utah programs-lots of them are based there) and some of them are prohibitively expensive-like $16,000 a month! We do have him signed up for the summer program I previously mentioned which is more reasonable but not as intense. My husband and I like to think (and his coach actually agrees with us) that he’s not at the place where he needs that hard core program. He’s not an addict-yet.

The doctor prescribed a very low dose of Prozac for the evenings so he can settle down and get to sleep and we are monitoring him very closely with that. I am concerned about possible side effects to all this stuff he is taking.

Calla-I would love to know the name of the program your friend sent her child to. This is the kind of thing I am interested in. I have been getting the names of schools (not prep-he’s not capable of that type of environment and I am aware there would be as many drugs there as there are here) that other folks have sent their kids to. A neighbor had to send their son away for many of the same reasons but he didn’t have ADHD so I’m not sure if that school would be beneficial. Another family send their son who has severe ADD and doesn’t respond to medication to a school up in CT where he is thriving but it’s $110,000 per year!!!

Tortoise-as you can see, he is on ADHD meds but both his doctor and coach feel his recreational drug use is self medicating-another reason for the Prozac. Everything he has used (that we know of-and he’s really bad at this in terms of not getting caught!) has been to mellow him out. He’s not getting “high” and ramped up.

MommaJ-I have looked into military boarding schools but both the type of environment I have found and the reviews and articles I have read about them make me leery of them for him. I just think he’d become hardened and unreachable.

Coloradomom-I totally agree with the jello comment! Thanks for the laugh!

Bookreader-I can’t send PM"s yet but thanks for your message!

This really does help me to feel better and I so appreciate you all taking the time to try and help us. I know we will get this figured out and I do try to count my blessings that we found this now while he still lives at home, is under 18 and we have more control.

Goodness-this is a long post!