Appropriate Expectations 4 Kids: Do You Have Any?

takeitallin
Thu, 28 Oct 2010 14:35:12 +0000

Let’s start fresh here. We have 4 children:
*boy twin, age 26- BS Engineering, full time project engineer for one of the largest construction firms in CA, part time grad student
*girl twin, age26- BA English, Masters in Education, high school English teacher
*girl, age 20- soph at Penn State. Should be a junior but transferred from Boston Conservatory of Music and had to go in as soph.
*boy, age 15, soph. in HS. 4.6GPA, varsity cross country and track, probably Var. soccer this year (JV last).

We set high expectations for our children from birth. We didn’t hammer it in to them, but rather tried to set examples and exposed them to a large variety of activities and experiences. We monitored their activities fairly tightly (checking to make sure responsible parents are home when visiting friends, curfews -flexible depending on activity, etc.) There have been no limits really on hair style or color, clothing (except nothing profane or provocative) or piercings. Gave them guidelines with consequences for not meeting them, tried to stay out of every-day decisions such as friends, activities, sports.

Surprisingly, the 26 yr.old D who pierced eyebrow, nose, lip in HS and dyed her hair every color in the book is now probably the most conservative. She was a model student in high school, and there were no drugs, alcohol, partying, etc. She has been married a year, bought a house recently and is a wonderful person.

Her twin on the other hand who was fairly conservative in looks went thru a big party, drinking stage. We really clamped down on him and totally restricted car use, friends, activities. His grades were not good in HS and he barely scraped thru. There were consequences, all clearly stated beforehand. On the other hand, he has always been an extremely hard worker and had a job since 15 with no pushing from us. He decided to move out at 19 and go to a CC 100 miles away- we were too strict. We told him we would continue to pay for education and books, but no room or board. He got a full time construction job, took 12 units for a couple of semesters, then suddenly got serious, transferred, got almost straight A’s and departmental awards. Who knew?? He tells us frequently he is so glad we stayed on him and didn’t give up on his education. He lives in LA and visits very frequently, calls almost daily.

The 20 year old is very out-going, very bright, and musically very talented. Good grades in HS but did not enjoy HS- a lot of drama but that is her. Extremely responsible, very focused, loves Penn St. Has a BF (almost 3 years). Nice guy but we wish she would date other people. Would not say anything unless she asked our opinion. Even then, I would never criticize him but only tell her I feel like she needs to see what else is out there.

15 year old is easiest. Focused, competitive to a fault, already picking out colleges. No trouble so far but he is so busy I don’t know when he would do anything.

I would say we are very involved without being helicopter parents. We have never interfered with choices of friends, or bashed friends except for safety issues. We have had to bite out tongues frequently but have always held back our comments. We could not stand the oldest D’s last boyfriend, but never said a word. She eventually realized what we had seen and dumped him. Her husband is the best ever! If we see a situation getting out of hand, we will discuss it with our kids and list possible consequences. Tell them they have choices in life and they will have to live with consequences. We always treat them with respect, even if we don’t agree with them. They have made plenty of mistakes, and they have learned from them each time. I feel like we have given them our values and our experiences, and I trust them enough now to make good choices in life. If they do make mistakes, they all know we are here with open arms to support them.

Our system is not perfect but whose is? At the same time, I have to say the results from our oldest 3 are looking pretty good and the 4th is definitely on the right track.