Brother ran away! Help.

calmom
Sat, 03 May 2008 22:55:49 +0000

As decision day came near, my parents and brother were fighting immensely. My brother’s anger with my parents’ policies also had been getting worse and worse each week until D-day (he views them as far too strict).

Sounds to me like your parents did a good job of driving your brother away. The were so concerned with winning the battle that they lost the war. Even if your brother was in the wrong, as parents they needed to act like adults, not combatants. If you had said there was one big blowup, I’d be more sympathetic – but fighting takes the people on both sides to engage, and if it is going on weeks on end then someone needs to step back and look for a different resolution. Your brother may be in the wrong… but the parents are the ones who should have the benefit of experience & maturity.

But, the problem is if your child was in this position and you asked to speak with him and he said no, what would you do.

I’d back off, say “fine” and give the kid some space. If the police had to be called to get your father to leave the friend’s house, it doesn’t sound like a good situation. You may feel your parents are in the right and be o.k. with the situation, but the scene that you have described does have all the hallmarks of emotional abuse, so I can see why the friend’s parents feel like they have to protect your brother.

What kind of character- or lack of, does this show?

In your brother? it sounds like he is hurting very badly inside, and that his parents have not been listening to him for a very long time. He may also be behaving badly, but he wouldn’t have left unless he found the situation emotionally intolerable.

I think one problem that twins or triplets can have is getting other family members to see them as separate individuals. I know that the parenting style I used with my son did not work at all with my daughter – I have to relate to the two of them in entirely different ways. I’m lucky-- they are 5 years apart – so I never felt like I had to treat them exactly the same to be be fair.

It is very possible that things that your parents do or say as part of their authoritative approach to parenting end up being very hurtful to your brother, even though you and your other brother shrug it off. I know that’s the difference between my two kids – nothing gets my son upset, but my daughter can get very upset over the slightest criticism from me – I can’t even crack a joke some times without her being very upset. I have to be very careful about the way I phrase things when I ask things from her. (On my end it feels like she is often very crabby and bristly… but I try to respect her and give her the space she needs – it isn’t always this way, she just can be moody). Anyway, the point is that the fact that you and one brother are fine at home does NOT mean that your other brother is going to be happy, and his feelings are real and legitimate. There is no “right” and “wrong” in relationships: if a person values the relationship, then the goal always has to be to come to a common understanding, even if that means that each side has to give in on some issues.

The best solution to this problem would have been for your family to get into counseling, so that a therapist could have helped you resolved the various issues. I have the sense that it is too late for that now. I think that if your parents want a relationship with your brother they should back off, let him know that he is welcome to come home and that they are willing to go into counseling to help resolve any issues, and leave him alone until he is ready to try to come to an understanding.

I understand that you and your family view your brother as being the one who is in the wrong… but my point is that nothing can change as long as this is a battle over who is right or who is going to “win.”