Can someone please help me?

narsatya
Sat, 09 Nov 2013 08:26:29 +0000

As you say PhD research may exacerbate mental health issues, but I wish to research on solving my mental health issues; hunting labs or libraries for substances(material) or literature(knowledge). I heard in the US college students take Ritalin sort of things. Some say they finished an year’s curriculum in 10 days(immense concentration).

As for my story goes, I would rather say if anyone was in my position s/he would have committed suicide. Still, I have grudge against the people who have done to me. Because, whatever they’ve done cant AT ALL be justified. I loved the subject, I thought they (the school IIT Delhi)will be a resource to give boost to my pursuits. But, alas, they shattered my expectations. Either they were stupid/ignorant(because some were assigned topics to teach that were not the area they specialize), cruelly oversmart to torture, or lazy to teach. In pursuit of claiming my (lost) power, I am aiming doing this sort of research, to get hold of a ‘miracle’ substance by studying deeply working of brain.

As I had told earlier “I showed promising signs in research”, “I realized I should be doing research”, also an UG lecturer, told “I don’t know how he will fare in exams but …in research…” much earlier in my UG 1st or 2nd, in 3rd I definitely wanted to settle with math, “do PhD in math from Delhi and go and work in the US as researcher.” Situations took a worse turn. In my UG 3rd fall I fell prey to OCD, due to working a lot amidst lot of stress. I was greatly worried how I’ll be proceeding further in studies in PG after getting selected in IIT Delhi for MSc. But, miraculously medications(Prozac, Klonopin) worked and that depression and OCD went away instead that gave a hypomanic switch. Earlier too I had brief hypomanic episode before OCD, that can be due to asthma medications(fexofenadine, theophyllin is a stimulant?), I believe but doctors don’t, but this time stronger hypomania. But that hypomania was like a boon to me – can read several pages in a go on computer screen, fast processing, superb working memory, during critical, demanding times of PG but it is vilified by physicians. But, there were also some undesirable effects like hyper-sexuality, SMS-ing classmates, dominating, disobedience, great confidence, less need for sleep, ok. They gave me powerful antipsychotics, anti-maniacs causing cognitive issues(failing attention, concentration, working/ short-term memory, processing speed, executive function, language functioning, no motivation), that are far more disabling and debilitating. As a result I was experiencing so much agony due to drop in GPA. I was juggling thru mental health forums where American students reported their grades dropped from A- or B to D, E, etc being on these antipsychotics. Thing is I performed mostly well in minors (I think it is 20 marks each); manytimes I passed with the PMT(pre-major total) score itself, but my performance was always bad in major(it is tougher, lengthy, more syllabus, also no gap to study). *#&, classes(daily from morning till evening) and exams(after every month) were incessant. Unfortunately, in my 2nd onward semester PG medications causing cognitive issues as well as the instructors were benignant(an irony), brought about great misery. I just want to finish the game once for all, bringing to book all those people responsible for my situation.

I know my classmates, contemporaries, and even juniors have completed PhD, I have no strong wish to have a ‘PhD’ title other than just to solve my personal problem; why would I change my field? I would love to do research, but I hate the coursework, exam treadmill. Since my UG years I lost my belief in classrooms, teachers, instead I believed in libraries, [though I got first division>70% cumulative score,I believe had my conditions been fine set, I would have performed well in PG however much brutal was the dept.], (now laboratories as in math we didn’t have labs.) I have a notion one can be as knowledgeable by studying texts, literature, as who has graduated from classroom. I want to go straight and do my work instead of crossing all these bullish formalities.

At the moment, I don’t aim at how my area will be fetching me in job market. I just want to do for my needs. Given my research aptitude I realized, I want to build upon it, my research skills I need to solve my problem.

Certainly, in one’s life no one can help than himself. I believe no one can be dedicated to us other than ourselves. I think one should have a great deal of preplanning, beforehand information of future course.

Yes in academia there is not one lie but 1000 lies. From the scheme you rank schools, programs to the scheme they use for evaluating candidates, lots of loopholes. You have to examine each one minutely, you will find.

You say you reorganized. But I don’t believe in psychology sort of thing. I believe in matter, nature, 5 elements, as being very powerful. The material knowledge and material have made the US superpower. A counselor wont adjust your time or prepare a schedule for you. I believe the US has very hitech labs, if my problem is not (completely) solved in PhD, I will come to the US for postdoc and continue that work.