Chaos at Christmas?

aibarr
Wed, 22 Dec 2010 14:59:11 +0000

I’m probably going to be the buzzkill, but I’m probably going to win for “Most Chaotic Christmas”. Monday morning I got a call from my brother on my office phone, and the first thing he said was, “What do you know so far?” (Never a good sign.) They’d found our mom unconscious and unresponsive on the floor of her apartment, her blood pressure was 60 systolic over couldn’t-get-a-reading diastolic… No blood circulating, really. Ambulance to the ER, put her on a ventilator and took her to the ICU. Kidney levels were crap, liver levels were crap, acetaminophen levels were astronomically high. She has a history of narcotics abuse, so the current working theory is that she’s likely been pilfering another resident’s Vicodin or Percocet (both contain a good kick of acetaminophen) and just spiked her level high enough that it set off acute liver failure. Now it’s just a waiting game. They’ve stabilized her and we have to see whether or not her liver kicks back in (she’s still comatose and on a ventilator). If her liver does kick back in, she’ll be okay. If it doesn’t, she’ll die in a few days. She’s not a candidate for transplant.

This puts us in a bit of a jam. Her sisters are in the same city as she is, and they’re with her now, but my brother and I aren’t in the same city. My brother’s plans were to fly back today, and he’s sticking to his original plan, but my husband’s and my plans were to spend Christmas with his family this year, since we spent Thanksgiving with my family this year.

My mom has done stuff like this in the past-- creating personal trauma to redirect everyone’s attention-- but this is the first time that there’s a very significant likelihood that she’ll die as a result of her actions. The way we understand acute liver failure from reading up on it and talking to her doctors, she’ll either be just dandy in three weeks, or she’s going to die in a few days. If she regains consciousness and sees that her stunt has worked and my brother and I cancel our Christmas plans to rush to her bedside, then if she doesn’t die this time, she’s GOING to end up killing herself one of these days. Our swooping to her rescue in the past has only fueled this fire we’re in now.

It’s likely that if she regains consciousness at all, she’ll be okay–and then, to go to her would severely endanger her in the future, and it would dampen our leverage to get her into treatment for her addiction this time. If she’s going to die, she’ll likely do so without ever regaining meaningful consciousness-- no possibility for a meaningful goodbye. I’m just scared out of my wits at the slight possibility that she’s going to regain consciousness, see that we’re not there, and then die before we can determine whether or not she’s going to recover. This is a game of chicken that I do NOT want to be playing. Not three days before Christmas. Not ever, really, but… not Christmas.

Everybody’s getting raisins for Christmas. It’s all I have the energy for.