Child getting cold feet

fineartsmajormom
Mon, 02 Nov 2009 12:22:05 +0000

Wow…your S is young and no surprise he is nervous. I started college at 17 and my roomate at Duke was 16. We both had our birthdays in the late Fall. She did better than me…I was pretty homesick but pulled out of it within the first month. Both of us remember panicking right up until HS graduation and then suddenly looked forward to the change.

Several kids, even older ones, seem to feel this way. My S is on the other end of the spectrum…we made him start 9th grade in US after completing 10th grade as a 14 year old in international school abroad. I couldn’t imagine him being ready at just 16 for college (super imature) so we hauled him back academically 2 years (perhaps too extreme). Now he is 18 and a senior and he is chomping at the bit to leave. I do remember the moment that he suddenly started saying he was ready to go to college. He returned from a 4 week summer program at a regional college when he was just turned 16 and started talking about “when I go away to college”. It was a bit like that other huge developmental milestone–potty-training–he knew when he was ready and all the books/pullups/videos that I had tried were useless until he decided he was ready. Same for leaving home…

I have a friend with son was terrified of leaving home–big hockey player, good student, 6foot 3, seemed so mature–but had never even gone away to summer camp, hated sleepovers, etc…anxiety right up until he graduated (at age 18) and then the anxiety suddenly ended during the summer when he was shipped off to see grandparents and cousins on his own. He had no adjustment issues at university.

I think you are wise to mention the gap year. Giving them the option to back out and take some time like you are offering is the best way to take away anxiety. Also, if he gets in one of EA schools, see if he can spend an overnight or two at the school this winter. It is definitely worth the expense of a trip if it gives him comfort that he will manage fine when the time comes no matter what school he goes to… They need to feel that they can confront things on their own…so let him get to and from overnight visit on his own even if you can drive him. Let him pack, organize the trip etc. It is an amazing confidence booster even if it seems relatively simple to an adult.

We are going one step further this summer…our son thinks he is soooo ready for college. I am not entirely convinced–I still pack his lunch most days! We plan to dump him in Europe after visiting family and he will be instructed to make it back to Madrid for flight home on July 29. Like the reality show on TV…“the amazing race” or some such nonsense. DS is absollutely sure he will manage perfectly (language not an issue with fluent spanish). However, he was surprised (not me) that friends and family are already starting an informal pool to guess the date that he loses his passport. He is determined to prove them wrong…he gets the jackpot if he returns with all documents intact